Childcare Takeover (the Break's Over)

You know, I'm pretty lucky when it comes to this "accidental daddy" thing. I got stuck with a great partner, a cute kid and as a result we all live together in a niceish apartment that includes an awesome office (even happily sometimes). It's the best situation I never asked for.

Hell, until very recently, I haven't even had to be a solo parent for over a few hours. That's a pretty sweet deal...well, was until yesterday.

Yesterday, the inevitable finally happened: the sitter fell through, Shannon had to work, my parents were busy and all our friends either have jobs or kids of their own they're trying to pass off on some sucker--I mean, share with the people they know like the little gifts they are.

Guess who's the sitter in that scenario.

Yes, much like the presidential line of succession that dictates that the Secretary of Education or Agriculture goes into the Oval Office should the 50 people in front of him become unavailable for some reason, I was forced into the big job for a full day's shift. My luck streak was finally over...for the first time in over 14 months, I would have to spend an entire day being the only parent to a 1-year-old.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I love the kid and all, it's just that the majority of people can get on my nerves after over 8 straight hours (which I suspect is why workdays are only that long, to keep the workplace homicide rate down) and I don't even have to change their diapers. No telling how I would handle someone who literally does nothing but scream, make messes and try to break my shit. Hell, if he wasn't my kid, I'd...well, I'd be able to tell you what I would do to someone who did the same thing without having DHS called on me.

I'm not even sure I can share my unedited internal thought processes during our day here without someone taking something out of context and showing this post to a social network and a social worker.

Instead, I'll let him tell it. He's done it before, plus he has no idea what I'm thinking so he can't tell on me. I think it's a solid idea...so here it is, baby DX's account of our first full day together.

"Like always, I woke up as soon as the big sky light shone. The first lady I ever saw, whose name I found out since then is MaMaMa, came in to get me. She always does that and it makes me happy.

I showed her my teeth when she came because I was happy to see her, and she did the same. She picked me up and gave me a kiss, then she took me out into the runaround room. The runaround room is my favorite room in the safeplace. It has soft chairs for the big people and a big square that shows people and colors and makes all kinds of noise. There are plenty of things for me to grab and throw too!

I like to grab and throw. I can do that now that I can walk on two legs. It makes me feel powerful, and I like to remind people that I am there by taking their hand toys and controlling the picture square with the control bat. (That's the thing that makes the pictures change and make the noises louder or quieter. I like the control bat because everybody looks at me when I have it plus I can hit people with it.)

Anyway, MaMaMa looked like she was going somewhere else. She had on the pretty blankets she wears outside and all her shinies. She yelled into the other room for her helper Da to come out of his bedtime and into the runaround room because she was "late", whatever that means. I was happy when I heard his name because I hadn't seen him since about 5 years ago, back when the sky was dark and he put me in my bedtime.

He came out into the room with us and plopped down on one of the chairs with his eyes still closed. MaMaMa told him it was wakeup time and he told her to go bye-bye. (I think that is what those words mean, anyway. Might say them one day and find out.) MaMaMa just smiled and shook her head and pressed her face on his, then mine, then went right out the wall.

After I saw MaMaMa leave and Da having bedtime on the chair, I saw my chance to really play. I ran around a lot! I grabbed a bunch of stuff I wasn't supposed to have and held it over my head because I was happy!

Usually when I do that, people look at me and say my name, which I like. (Oh, I do not think I introduced myself...my name is DeionStop, but my friends call me NoDeion.) Da did not appear to be too interested in me. So I climbed up on him and I pulled the stuff on his face!

He did not look too happy when I did, but at least he started moving around after that. Soon, he started to play with me! I liked it a lot! He threw me up in the sky and spun me around and turned me upside-down. It was a lot of fun.

After a while, I guess he didn't want to play any more and turned on the pictures of the men in the colorful diapers who play with each other a lot like he plays with me. (They don't seem to like it as much.) I don't like those pictures yet, so I went to play with my ball, fall on my face and lick the floor for a while because I enjoy the finer things in life.

After another while, I was hungry and I let Da know about it by politely screaming in his face. I think he got the point...he got up and made me my favorite morning meal. I think they call them "french toast bites"...I know that because MaMaMa tells Da not to feed them to me any more, but he knows they are the only thing I will eat all the time because we are cool like that. I was happy.

After I ate, Da turned on the most colorful channel. I think it is just for people like me, because in my opinion, it is a compelling cinematic experience and plus there are colors and letters and numbers and stuff. Usually when he does that, he wants to not pay attention to me any more. Maybe this time though, he just wanted to watch my favorite shows with me so he could tell all his friends how good they were.

I was wrong. I saw him pick up his light box and unfold it and start hitting it with his hands. I had seen him do that before, he called it "work". I did not want him to do that though, because he can not play with me as much when he is. I decided to help him finish what he was doing so he could get back to me faster. I went over to him and started hitting it with my hands just like him. So many things appeared on the light box! He did not seem to want my help, but I insisted again and again. After just a little while, all my helping really worked. He put his light box away! He did not seem too happy about it, but I figure it was a job well done.

After that, I stopped in the middle of walking and made a face like I was thinking really hard even though I don't have much to think about. I felt my bottom get heavy and I could not walk as easy. It did not feel right. I did not like it. I was about to start yelling for Da to fix it, but he was already putting on his hand covering to fix my bottom. He always puts one on before he does that. Nobody else does, but he is different in a lot of ways.

A little after that was over, I felt myself get mad! I did not know why at all, all I knew is that everything was making me sad and being sad makes me angry. Da gave me a sucky cup of juice, but I did not want it and threw it away! I stood in the middle of the room and I yelled and I yelled until Da picked me up, then I felt my eyes...get...

...a few days later, I woke up in my bedtime with nobody around, it seemed like.

I yelled for somebody to come be with me. Da took a while and I did not like that. When we went back out into the runaround room, I threw his hand toy on the floor because he really likes it and I did not want him to have it any more. He made a scary face at me and told me "NO".

I do not (act like I) understand too many of the sounds he makes, but that word I know and do not like, so I yelled back at him. We yelled back and forth at each other for a while. I think it is called an argument when him and MaMaMa do it sometimes, and I also think I won.

I had a really fun afternoon. I made a lot of noise with my mouth, smacked the picture box a lot, threw my food around because it makes things colorful, bit Da because I like him, and made really sure he did not pick up that folding light box and try to work again. I heard my name a lot that day. That made me really happy.

Da did not seem as happy as I was. I tried licking the inside of his nose to make him feel better, and he showed me his teeth but he still looked like he was ready to cry, go to bedtime or both. Just then, his hand toy played a song and he started to talk into it. Once he stopped, he looked even happier than I was. I wondered what could have made him so happy. I did not see any new food in front of him, he didn't get a new toy and MaMaMa wasn't here to hug him into her front...I could not figure it out.

I soon got my answer! A week later, Da's mommy Gaa came to play! She made a happy face at me, I made a happy face at her, and when she picked me up and started walking out with me, Da made a happy face at us both. Everyone was happy and it was great. I knew I would have a wondrous time with Gaa, and I felt kind of bad that we were leaving Da by himself while we went to have a big time. I was just glad to be leaving to a new place, though...I don't ever remember being alone with Da for that long. It was fun for a while, but it gets old."

Feeling's mutual, kid.


Janene said...

Ha ha! That colorful channel can really save the day. Glad you survived, AJ. Tell your son he did a great job with his commentary. You must be proud!

nothingprofound said...

"It's the best situation I never asked for."- AJ, just proves not all accidents are unhappy ones. Your boy sounds like a real winner, just like his Old Man.

captNaj said...

@ Janene- It really can, e-mommy. I'm not sure what kind of research they did into the interests and viewing habits of your average baby, but they are hypnotized by that particular channel. I warmly and sincerely praise those who came up with it.

On topic tho, I'll tell him you liked his post. He'll be so pleased he'll probably smack you (it's a compliment).

@NP- It's true, not all accidents turn out bad. Alcohol, penicillin and ice cream cones were all unintentional, and we like them just fine anyway. He's an interesting kid though...should be an experience getting to know him as he continues to develop a personality.

Jessica Ippolito said...

I LOVE when you tell stories from his point of view. Hilarious!

captNaj said...

I thought it sounded better than mine hahaha...glad you enjoyed it.

Oh, and welcome to umf, officially!