(undermyfitted...)

(things went way) Left in Twentyleven

2011-12-30T13:09:00.003-05:00

What's good umf'ers? I know I've been kinda spasmodic with the posts lately, but I have legitimate reasons (well, the technical "legitimacy" of one particular item is debatable, but whatever) for falling off of this a little bit. You see, over the last few months my life has undergone a number of changes, some good, some bad, some with an impact to be determined...but there's been a whole fuck of a lot of them this year.

Of course, with change comes the necessity to leave certain things behind, and although I've never been the biggest fan of all the "new year, new me" type bullshit that people like to spout around this time (the only people that say "wait 'til next year!" more than people on Facebook are Chicago Cubs fans...after the second week of January most people will be doing the same ass-backwards shit they've been doing since they could eat free at chain restaurants nationwide) I find that a lot of these events conveniently sync up with the end of the calendar year, and I really don't have a choice but to leave a few things in twentyleven as some of us eagerly anticipate the upcoming new year.

Some of these are things that have just been on my back for a while, some are things that I'm better served by getting rid of, some are as comfortable and familiar as the Cowboys sweatshirt I'm wearing right now. (I'm keeping that though. You'll take my skin before you take my last piece of 'Boys apparel...literally.) Regardless, now's kinda the time for them to go...most things in life have an expiration date, and one thing I learned this year is that mine is no different.

Usually approaching New Years', I prepare an obscenely long list of things I learned the year past...but since I've learned more this year than can fit in this post (especially since I'm only at work until 1), I'm gonna go with a short list of the things that won't make it to twentytwelve with me. Well...short in a writing sense. In reality, it may be the longest thing I've ever typed with my index fingers one key at a time. Aight, I'm rambling, let's get this over with.

That wallet- Once a pretty sharp navy blue Ralph Lauren piece with pony print received as a Christmas gift some years back, it is now a piece of shit with a pattern vaguely resembling a Navajo sand painting. It has served me well over the last...however long I had it...but it's long past time for it to go. (As for what caused the delay, I know I needed a new one a while ago, but moving wallets is a miniature version of moving homes, and we all know how stressful that can be. I could just never commit to a day.) Also being left in this year are those 2 fossilized coupons for free Whoppers I got at a Harlem Globetrotter game in 2006. If it takes you 6 years to eat fast food, it kind of defeats the whole purpose.

My amateur writer status- Now that over 200 copies of "FfYL" are out there in the world and I've made enough money to be less broke, I guess I've turned pro. At least, that's what the IRS will tell me...that's good enough.

My hopes of winning that screenwriting competition- Yeah, I got eliminated. It kinda sucks, but it beats just being in the dark for 4 months wondering what the fuck happened to my $65. Getting more spam than competition updates from a pro contest kind of dampens the whole spirit of anticipation. Hell, I almost wanted to be eliminated so I could just stop getting emails period. It's cool, I'm starting the next one next week...

My careful compartmentalization of my life from my parents- You know that part in the Wizard of Oz when they pull back the sheet and reveal the huge, loud and abrasive talking head as a normal guy? Having my parents find out about this side of my life (hi, if you two are reading this!) was like that in reverse. Oh well, at least I can throw out those eyedrops. Besides, it's kinda pointless to hide anything from them now because the last thing I'm going to have to leave in this year...

My non-parental status- Yup, that's right. I guess all those jokes about kids and the people who spawn them have finally caught up to me (let's hope the ones about everything else are slower). If you know me or read me, you know what kind of parent I could be...doesn't mean I have to like it. I'm looking forward to it about as much as my first prostate exam, but people tell me that I'll be possessed by some magical force compelling me to be there with a smile at some point, so I'm just kinda gonna wait on that to happen. (Of course, I'd smile more if the last time I had sex wasn't what got me into this mess, but that's another post entirely.)

As can be expected, I'm kinda fucked up about the whole thing right now (it shows I care) but...well, but nothing. It'll be over by March, however, and I'm just looking forward to getting this whole unpleasantness out of the way so I can serve my sentence. If you're curious about mom, she's doing just great and has been happier than Tickle-Me Elmo for the past 6 months, so you can forward all your congratulations to her. I only accept 'em for things I do intentionally. Hey, at least I get to write another book about it now, right? Could be worse...could be a girl.

Well, I'm about out of time on this workday and year, so I'm going to skip all the sentimental shit and go get drunk. For those who still check this reasonably often, I want to let you know I appreciate it and I'll definitely make an effort to try and keep umf (and myself) more alive than in recent times. I love you guys...I couldn't leave you in this year if I wanted to...and I don't. Happy new year, umf!

Job Appreciation

2011-12-12T15:18:00.002-05:00

If you even vaguely know me, you know that my current main source of income is somewhat unsatisfactory to me. There's a unnecessarily long post (and 1/3 of a book) about what exactly that job is and you probably don't care, but if you are curious I can quickly sum it up: pro file monkey. As you can imagine, it's an exceedingly undesirable thing to have to be underpaid to do for an extended period of time, especially when one feels that he can do something much better much better, and as a result I've made it pretty clear that I hate coming here to anybody who would listen...until I thought about it recently, anyway.

You see, there's a concept that I've always found interesting called "chaos theory", and it states that a change in a single event or decision in the course of arriving at a given conclusion can drastically alter the conclusion thereof. (If that explanation is a little wordy for you, there was also a pretty shitty movie to that effect starring that dude who used to punk people on TV and is now the half a man in a popular network television series.)

I often wonder what would have happened if I had never gotten on Craigslist that day and applied to sit at the desk I'm currently at. Would my current path in life be different? You see, as a college dropout, my employment options are kinda limited when the guy who sold me my sneakers has a Master's. Most likely, I would have ended up doing something involving a silly hat, a spatula, taxing manual labor, or all of the above. None of these career fields provide me with the time or internet connection I need to spread my gospel all over the internets on company time...it's one of the best benefits my employer doesn't know they offer.

Even my current efforts to escape it with new endeavors ironically would be crippled without it. Here at work is my main computer...occasionally I come in to this job early just to get some stuff for my other job done. Part 1 of my book would have been about half as long if I had never worked here...the inspiration factor of my time here is almost worth all the time I wasted obtaining it. The flyers, handouts, visual aids and editing drafts for my different big projects are all on company paper. Everybody who buys a copy of "FfYL" will recieve a free authentic envelope from this office free with purchase.

Wait...let's step it back a bit. I'm forced to acknowledge something that I've never really been comfortable thinking about as a result of my employ here. You see, soon after I was hired, I figured out that anyone who didn't enjoy the taste of short bus window on a crisp winter day could finish my job duties twice in the 8 hours I was forced to be here in order to pay my bills and buy various life enhancers. This left me with about 3 hours a day to do absolutely nothing with but talk shit on the internet...eventually somebodies told me that I should put all the aforementioned shit in one place...and 3+ years later, you now know that place as undermyfitted.

When your days are numbered in a place you've spent a long time in against your will, it's hard to help taking a step back and taking stock of your time there...just like I imagine jailfolk do when their parole date is near or an uninterested party in a relationship around the time a prenuptual agreement expires. It's kinda interesting what leads into what, huh? Even more what leads out of what...so I guess through all my hate, I don't have any choice but to appreciate my job.

How to Save a Life

2011-12-08T15:35:00.001-05:00

If you've spent any time at all in this city, you know that there's almost no such thing as a normal ride on local public transit system SEPTA. (If you haven't spent any time at all in this city, please accept my congratulations.) The $2 required to board one of these vehicles is less a fare than a cover charge to a floor show whose performers change daily. Most days the featured act is usually just some group of overloud middle schoolers or a couple having an argument about who is embarrassing who in public, but some days have extra special guests...and this was one of them.

There I was on the train platform this morning, waiting for the EL to come and take me home (yes, "home"...sure, I was going downtown to my current place of employ but since I waste more waking hours there than actually attempting to enjoy my life, you could make the argument that I only have an apartment to sleep in and keep all the shit that won't fit at my desk once the office is closed to the public each day) when I noticed an older gentleman, who I'll call Herman Cane, busily sharpening a 5-foot stick on the ground like he was about to try and hunt wild boar in West Philly and angrily muttering to himself as the train pulled up.

Admittedly, the sharp stick concerned me a bit, but people talking nonsense to themselves on SEPTA is so common, I actually feel less comfortable if there's NOT a babbling street crazy onboard (see, since the laws of public transportation dictate that one lunatic will ride each vehicle at all times, if nobody's screaming about how the government came and took their baby, that means less outwardly deranged people are present instead. I prefer my insaniacs clearly labeled.) so I just shrugged it off and got on the same car with the guy. Whether that was the right or wrong decision is left for debate...whether is made things more interesting is indisputable.

After boarding the train and sitting in the only empty seat that was, of course, right across from where Mr. Cane was delivering his tirade at an increased volume. It was then that I found out the true cause of his vehement dissatisfaction...someone had apparently stolen his walking stick earlier. He was very upset by this, and showed it with an impressively inarticulate display of profanese that not even my site is rated high enough to type without a parental advisory sticker. (Of course, since he had been grumbling since I first saw him, this means his cane was stolen long before anyone on the train had a chance to steal it themselves, making his rant not only disturbing, but misdirected.)

There he stood, spreading his gospel of rage to anybody who was forced to listen and offering a number of unorthodox observations on racial affairs and deviant lifestyles while brandishing a crude spear, challenging anyone to take it away from him at 8:30 in the morning. Obviously, being the goofy (and at that point, very well medicated) person I am, I found this funny as hell and couldn't stop myself from laughing. Big mistake, apparently. In his eyes, reacting to a person making a complete ass of themselves in front of a large group of people is the deepest of insults, and he then directed his wrath directly at me (and just for fun, I'll include my thought process in parentheses...as usual):

"And what the fuck is so goddamn funny? You think this shit is funny, this is why black people can't do a damn thing now, always think everything's a joke and shit...."

(I think everything's funny...)

"...it's young punks like you who are fucking everything up...shooting, raping, killing...don't do shit positive!"

(Well, I wrote a book...)

"...bunch of sad motherfuckers! I'm so tired of this damn city!"

(Me too.)

"...and I tell you what, too! That's why black people ain't shit...always stealing from their own! Do you see the white man stealing from his own kind?"

(Yeah, they're called CEOs, usually...)

You get the idea. Of course, by this point, Herman's bullshit was overpowering my ability to stifle my laughter, and I just bust out laughing. A few surrounding passengers timidly joined in. Mr. Cane obviously did not see the humor in this and was incensed to a new level. He then unveiled his "nein, nein, nein" plan, to show that he did not want any laughter at all, pointing his bumspear at me:

"Oh this shit still funny to you?! Bet it won't be funny when I fuck you up!"

(*laughter stops* Now he crossed the line...ima adjust the shit out of his attitude...)

I started to get up and approach him to suspend his campaign, but was stopped by a nearby passenger who reminded me that, justified as I may have been, being a large, young and strong black man beating up an old fuck who was off his meds wouldn't look too good in the paper tomorrow. I considered this, decided it was a fair point, and simply palmed my face and endured the abuse until my stop. After both he and I got off (of course we had the same stop, why would you expect anything else?) and I made my way to work, I began to consider what had taken place.

I pondered how close I had come to being in one of these very same brown files that haunt my every day here at the PD's office, and decided that I had saved both our days--and possibly lives--through my inaction and the wisdom of a stranger. Well, actually...I do wish it was purely my own self-control...but if I had been off MY meds, it wouldn't have made a damn bit of difference before he got defenestrated from a moving train. Of course, if I had the approval of the other passengers, I could have done it anyway...it wasn't assault, he got voted off the train for causing a disturbance! I can't promise I'll do it again though...if he decides to seek ejection next time, he will damn sure have my vote.

Hip Hop is Dead

2011-12-06T15:32:00.000-05:00

I don't usually concern myself too much with the Sixers, but when you see something like this go on in your field of living, sometimes you have no choice but to comment. You see, Sixers mascot Hip Hop, an oddly charming fusion of one-time franchise player Allen Iverson back when he partially owned the city (how many athletes get mascots patterned after them?) with splashes of Bugs Bunny in "Space Jam", represented the team for many years, dunking off trampolines, flashing his plastic bling, and cavorting in the stands of Sixers games to rile up the mostly absent crowd.

He was well liked in the city, mostly because he was an accurate representation of many Philadelphians...steeped in urban culture, loving basketball, reproducing rapidly, gray...but as I found out this morning, the basketball bunny is no more. You see, the Sixers recently were sold to another group of owners, who decided that the team could use an image overhaul. Sure, they could have started by getting better players so that other Philadelphia teams in different sports don't consistently outscore them...but they started in the obvious place...changing the mascot.

Now, this is a relatively unremarkable move...well, until you consider the alternatives. I'll remind you that good people spent better money for someone to sit in an idea fortress at Jim Henson studios and think up sports Muppets until they get just the right one. (If you're an amateur graphic designer or promoter, you might want to cover your eyes...it's a bit scary to know these people are being paid handsomely to suck at the job you want.)

First up...It's Phil E. Moose! Obviously selected because of Philadelphia's world famous moose herds than can be seen roaming the plains of this metropolitan area on most days, his bio claimed that he's over 7 feet tall, loves to play defense, and can dunk a basketball. The fact that he sounds like an improvement over some of the Sixers' current big men aside, this moose is apparently ready to get loose. Oh, and did I mention his name was Phil E. Moose? You get it? See what was done there? It sounds just like...you know what, if I keep going with this I'm gonna end up offing myself. Let's move on...

Next, meet B. Franklin Dogg, the All-American pet. He shows his love of Philadelphia by not only wearing the uniform of his city's basketball team, but walking around with a scale replica of the Liberty Bell on his head. This potential mascot has the added advantage of a subtle nod to the crackhead, another central figure in Philadelphian society. The mascot is, in fact, named after Benjamin Franklin, the most famous person ever to suffer a self-inflicted electric shock. Although the combined concept has precious little to do with basketball, this should raise support for the mascot with fans of Franklin...but if this one just isn't Benny enough for you, there is still hope...

...and his name is Big Ben! Yes, the Founding Father himself is being considered to handle the awesome task of garnering support for a moribund basketball franchise and being made into overpriced stuffed animals. I don't know about you, but when I see this mascot I get a bit intimidated. Just look at that steely gaze, those intense eyebrows, the beer gut formed over long periods of building our country one pint at a time, those man-boobs jiggling for the freedom of a nation...you're not human if that doesn't affect you. Teams around the NBA will likely be forced to forfeit out of respect for the American legend...or something...there has to be a reason for this.

Maybe it's just me, but none of these mascots give me much to cheer about. It could be that I just don't care for the Sixers...I damn sure won't start now (which is kinda the whole point of a promotional stunt like this). If you can pick the lesser of these evils, you can go vote for one. Me? I'm gonna treat this election like most others...all the choices suck, so I'm gonna go do something else. They say if it ain't broke, don't fix it...well, when you bring enough tools to think this is a good idea, as the new owners clearly have, sometimes you can't help trying to make repairs...

Captain Plan-It

2011-12-02T15:17:00.005-05:00

Ever since I was a child who used to start out building whatever was on the Lego kit box as the manufacturers intended, change my mind midway through, then end up with some hybrid of the pictured product and my own mental pictures during the process, the one thing I can say about almost anything I've ever planned out is that it never seems to turn out as expected. Sure, my creative compulsion, distaste for little details, and medium-short attention span have a lot to do with that...but it also seems to be a larger theme of my life in general.

Things far beyond my control often either loom menacingly in the distance, hurtling towards my world at terminal velocity before veering off at the last second like a game of cosmic chicken or descend conspicuously from the heavens like a gift from the gods themselves until I notice that the plummeting parcel looks suspiciously like a nuclear warhead. (Sometimes it's Hiroshima, sometimes it's Mars Bluff.) Financial equations solved by unknown variables, trains that time knows for a fact I missed held up for me to catch for minutes at a time, video models who walk up to me on my porch and turn out to be stalkery ex-con stage 5 clingers with horribly behaved children and colors for names...Shamalayan wishes he could come up with twists like these on a regular basis.

Point is, even taking into account the randomish nature of life in general, my own existence seems even more unpredictable than average (though it might be the rearview mirror effect...events during reflection on one's life may be larger or smaller than they appear).

Just as a minor example, just Wednesday afternoon, I had just finished making my (kinda) weekly question video and was taking my file serf cart back to my desk with a plan to post the video, waste the last half-hour or so of the day on the internet, go directly home, and lounge around in my bed glassy-eyed watching cartoons on my laptop while figuring out how to trick people into buying my book. It was a good, solid plan with a reasonably high success rate, and I looked forward to putting it into action and seeing it come to fruition.

Just as I approached my desk for final preparations, I was stopped by a co-worker who saw a couple copies of "FfYL" in the cart (hey, if they're gonna make me push a cart all day, I can put some of my excess pushing into the books...ain't using all of it for this salary anyway) and after inspecting it, informed me that there was a local bookstore that specialized in the work of talented, up and coming artists, but would probably accept my work anyway. She suggested I go down there that very day, introduce myself to the owner, and see if he'd let me hawk my wares from his shelves.

Of course, this would significantly alter my plans (they had already been changed by this 15 minute conversation that negated my end-of-work posting time which is why the video didn't go up until Thursday, but I'm not the kind of dick who goes "I don't have time to talk to you, I have to address my YouTube audience!"...yet.) but the chance to see my book on the shelves of an actual store was enough to call an audible at the line and change my play for the night. Sure, I'd have to postpone major parts of my plan and cancel some others...but it at least kinda resembled the blueprint.

After a short train ride, I found myself outside the bookstore and walked in, expecting a hard sell for a pretty alternative concept ("The book is...so yeah, it's like um...imagine if Dr. Phil was a 23 year old black guy...uh...who enjoyed intoxication, social networking and football in his spare time...and...uh...did stand-up...duh...it's based on my life but not based on my--okay, I'll leave now.") wrapped in a pretty strong cuss word. What I got was a great hour-long discussion of the entertainment industry, a few ideas about promotion...oh, and a request to come back for a book signing on Saturday.

(BOOK SIGNING!!!)

(Sorry.)

Not only had the guy agreed to stock my book AND put one on the "look at me!" shelf directly behind the register, but I had just ordered a new shipment of books that UPS said would be here on Friday, just in time to make my first appearance as a published author (ugh...I promise I won't refer to myself as that too much, it sounds douchy) and sell autographed books to people who had no idea who I was or that they would be my fans one day. Planned to perfection, right?

Fast forward through some light revelry and an uneventful Thursday of refeshing the UPS tracking page, and come to Friday with me. I came to work today expecting to get one of the only job emails I ever open, the one that says "Your personal package has been delivered, please come to the 12th floor to pick it up". (The other tells me the locations and times of various office parties.) After I saw no such electrocommunication, I checked the tracking one more time to see that my package would be delivered at the end of the day...Monday.

As Monday is after Saturday, it would become a bit problematic. I sat speechless, blankly staring at the screen for a few minutes like when the Cowboys lose (haven't done it in a while :) ) and wondered who I had wronged to deserve this. I mean, I've wronged plenty of people...but none at UPS lately. I still have a few copies lying around, but it would look pretty pathetic to show up with like 4 books and a veil of disappointment shading my glowing comedic aura. I couldn't even figure out what the dress code is for a book signing (I'm assuming it's "AJ") ...now this.

For a moment, I considered the alternative, canceling the entire thing...but then remembered that if I did that, I couldn't expect anybody to show up to the reschedule since I probably would think the person was full of shit and not bother if the roles were reversed. The only choice became clear. I had--well, have...still hasn't happened--to gather up my few remaining books and head down there to meet my devoted readers...there'd still be enough prints for all of them. (Plus, if I only have a few copies when people see me, they'll assume my book is popular and want to buy it themselves...I hope.) At least, that's the plan. Let's see how this goes...

Video Formsprung Wk7

2011-12-01T09:39:00.001-05:00

Funny story...I made this video yesterday and I...'ll tell ya later. (Gotta keep my traffic up somehow with this irregular-ass posting...) Thanks for the questions and of course, the love!

Arlene Ackerman: an American Tale

2011-11-29T15:24:00.001-05:00

In case the name Arlene Ackerman rings no bells with you, she is--well, was--the superintendent of the esteemed Philadelphia school district (and unless you collected a diploma from it, you know that that was sarcasm...and if you actually did, go Google "sarcasm", then come back and finish reading. I understand) before her untimely departure from the position for gross fucking incompetence.

If you're worried that this is one of those depressing stories about some shmuck who loses his job to layoffs and ends up selling spam over the internet to scrape out a meager living, you can rest easy...she was given a large severance package totalling almost $1 million, and being thrown out of your job because you suck gets a little easier when you land in a big pile of money that your employers have laid out for you to cushion your fall.

However, her journey did not start in an unemployment line, waiting patiently for government benefits with the other jobless Americans collecting 6-figure pensions...it started years ago out in San Francisco, where she acted as the superintendent of schools there and soon performed well enough to get a raise right before she fell out of favor and was pushed out, a recurring theme in her illustrious career. The average American would see losing a 6-figure job with no real oversight as a devastating blow to their lives...but not Ackerman.

She was eventually able to scrape together the few hundred thousand dollars she had left to her name and make a risky move across the country to seek new opportunities. This quest led her to the city of Philadelphia, where she was able to parlay her failure as superintendent of San Francisco schools into future failure in a new and unpredictable (if you're trying to make positive predictions) environment.

It was almost no time at all before she settled into her new surroundings, replicating all the successes she had experienced in her career on a much grander scale. Through her oversight, she was able to bring test scores up (as a topic of debate come election time), increase the graduation rate (of GED classes citywide), help students (find menial, unskilled jobs), and generally improving the condition of schools (that compete with Philadelphia's public schools in an effort to attract all the parents, pupils and pockets running from Ackerman's influence as fast as possible).

In time, those who did not see the merit of her contributions began to question her leadership. Her salary was also called into question, as she made over $6,000 per week at one time, (or what I make in 3 FUCKING MONTHS) and someone besides Eagles' coach Andy Reid simply could not be allowed to lead a Philadelphia franchise to weekly losses at that high a price. Of course, she also handled this with her famous tact, insinuating that the backlash against her was not because of her poor job performance or overinflated salary...but because she was a black woman.

Never mind that they would find a way to fire a polka-dotted hermaprhodite for fucking up that badly with chunks of an entire already unstable generation AND collecting large sums of money for the trouble...she claimed that she was being attacked for the color of her skin and the setup of her plumbing. It is likely that she knew the truth as well as any other person who even casually tracked the situation...but she also knew that the "ab homine" argument (it's not because I suck, it's because I'm ____ and that's not fair!) is a long standing American tradition beyond reproach.

Well, almost. Of course, if you've been reading this, you know that Philadelphia was the second major American city to spend years and millions finding out that Ackerman was not the right person for the job of total control over the kid factories, and was eventually coaxed out of her position with many taxpayer dollars (because your employer deciding that they'd rather have you gone than a million dollars is a great resume builder and awesome leverage in these kind of settlements in all walks of life).

However, Ackerman had one last wily trick up her sleeve. Despite making more than the entire staffs of some schools, she somehow found her life too lavish to finance with her own money stolen fair and square, and also likely knew that she would never be offered another superintendent job (because she did such a great job here, everybody knows she can't possibly top it...why bother?) Distraught over the loss of her job and lack of cash storage space for her pension and settlement payments, she apparently decided to commiserate with some other folk who had recently lost their jobs, where she came up with her most brilliant masterstroke yet: to apply for unemployment! (Yes, that unemployment. Yes, today. Yes, really.)

Yes, bold Arlene Ackerman, she of cunning mind and flexible morals, would collect the same (and likely much more) unemployment than a father of 3 who just lost his factory job if she has her way. Truly, this is a woman who knows how to make her own way (straight to hell). Hers is a story of determination, deception, repeated fuck-ups, and constant attempts to squeeze whatever possible from vulnerable parties by any means necessary...a true American tale. Arlene Ackerman, I salute you...with one finger.

Drive Me Crazy (in a Lexus)

2011-11-28T14:27:00.001-05:00

So over the weekend, which I mostly spent watching football in various degrees of intoxication, I began to notice a new series of Lexus commercials just for the holiday season. Well..."notice" kinda implies that it was within my power to ignore it...as an average NFL broadcast lasts 3 hours and contains about 11 minutes of the running jumping, throwing, catching, blocking, tackling, and other football-related actions that have surprisingly little to do with the feet for a sport with the name it has, the rest is obviously filled by commercials...and this weekend, it seems like this and its variants were most of them.

I honestly didn't pay it any mind at first...I'm not exactly in the market for a Lexus this holiday season or expecting one as a gift (hell, I'll be surprised if somebody gives me a bus pass), but the more I see of this shit, the more it just bugs the hell out of me.

For one, who actually knows the Lexus theme song to the point where they hear it and instantly react to it? I didn't know it until I heard it a few hundred times over the weekend and got it stuck in my head...and I'll tell you what, when I hear that stupid little jingle, the last thing that goes through my mind is "hey, isn't this the Lexus jingle? I might be getting a gift wrapped $60,000 vehicle for no apparent reason!" No, it's closer to "oh my fucking deity, if this song comes into my ears one more time, I'm going to send a bullet after it."

It's not even just the concept of this commercial I hate, it's the execution. It's not enough that I went out at spent a second mortgage on a luxury car to celebrate a religious holiday, but I have to arrange a cutesy presentation for the gift, hack into the building's PA system and replace the normal elevator music, AND find a huge red bow to put on the car? (Nobody ever thinks about it, but those things ain't free...like those giant checks they give out to winners of contests and sweepstakes, if I ever win one I'm gonna suggest that they give me a regular sized check and just slide me the money they save printing the big one.) The fucking Lexus wasn't enough? Oh, aight...

I mean, it's bad enough that they're pretty much saying that a luxury car makes a great stocking stuffer in the middle of the worst global economic state that any of us can remember unless you first car had a hand crank, but to wrap the message in a bunch of fake-ass commercialized holiday season sentiment just symbolizes everything I hate about this time of year. (Well, besides Black Friday, which is where people camp out by the thousands for days for the right to loot a large chain store and fistfight over the items which belong to neither combatant until they pay for it. That's over with though.)

The signs of holiday overlap become more and more apparent each year...they put the Valentine candy out before we take the Christmas decorations down, Halloween starts right after Easter, Thanksgiving is a few hours between work and the start of shopping season...and this year, my holiday spirit was fucked before the end of November. I gotta say...maybe it's that I'm 5 dollars over broke even on payday, maybe it's the fact that I'm just not that big a holiday person (but at least I don't pretend to be to sell cars), maybe I'm just hating because I don't have a sugar daddy to buy me a Lexus...but the shit just gets to me a little. Hey...at least the Cowboys won after I saw this commercial a few dozen more times.

PSA: f.u.c.k. (selling books!)

2011-11-21T14:44:00.000-05:00

What it is, umf'ers? Well, if you haven't been around lately--and it's cool, I haven't really either--I finally got my supply of "FfYL" hard copies. (Yeah, I started out with ebooks, but scraped up some printing money once everybody told me they would prefer hard copies all after the fact and shit.) They were packaged with an invoice, the bubble wrap that's more fun as a toy than effective as protection, and a lesson...that writing books is the easy part.

Selling 'em...eh, not so much. As I rode home on the train with a box half-full of books, a 2-foot hoagie, and a bottle of Bacardi 151, I began to ponder just how I could make everything in the box disappear as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, failing to take care of the first is a lot tougher to digest than the last 2 combined.

I don't want to make it seem like I'm flopping...I'm actually doing pretty good, sold a few copies locally, sent a few off to curious parties all over the country (and one very special lady in the Netherlands...hey girl...), and the digicopies are moving as much as they ever have...hell, even an early review or 2 has come in. (They were all good and praised the quality of my writing and humor, though a couple lamented the language as if a book with "fuck" printed on the cover was a Dr. Seuss alternative...oh well, can't please everybody, so fuck the ones who ain't happy.) It's not all bad.

However, that moment I've dreamed of since I took my first FfYL-related extended lunch break at work where I walk by some random coffee shop and see some black-sweatered hipster sipping a chai latte, updating his location on Foursquare, and holding my book while lightly chuckling at it between mouthfuls or raspberry scone (or the other moment where some eager female fans mob me like an AXE commercial because women will sleep with men just for writing bad books...imagine the lucky guy who writes the worst one!) is still pending...and for an impatient mafucka like me, that's a problem.

That being typed, it wouldn't be a problem if it didn't have a solution...so maybe this is it. I know selling books is hard work...but giving them away might be easier, right? (Right?) Despite barely having a profit margin to cut into, I'm finna do just that...so I'm proud to announce a couple giveaways! I know $5 (digital) or $10+shipping (print) might be hard to come by--and if not, please disregard the rest of this post and order now with the link >over there>--but if you can't scrounge that up, here's a couple ways you can get your hands on a free copy:

-*Like* the FfYL fanpage! No, it's not automatic, I can't give away that many (well, I only have 30some *like*rs, so it ain't all that many...but if you follow instructions, that number will be higher, so you see my point here...) but both the 77th *like* and every 77th after that will recieve a free print copy of the book! Besides that, it's the only place I'll be announcing future promotions...and there will be future promotions. (Christmas is coming up, right?)

Worried about not being 77th? Just join, invite a bunch of friends, then around 70, unjoin and rejoin...hey, the book is about smart life loopholes, why would I discourage them?

-Write me a review! The first person to email me (goldNboi7@gmail.com) and pinky swear not to Napster my shit can read the full digital copy for free, as long as they can write me a review and post it to a major bookstore site (or your own) within a week! Hey, the holidays are coming up...you know you're gonna be sitting around on the computer not doing shit anyway.

-Spread the word! If you can somehow get 5 friends to buy my book (have them enter your name in the "special instructions" field on the Paypal form, you get either a free copy of the book or a refund if you bought the book already...trust me, that's the only way you're getting one. :p

There will be more where that came from (if, IF, I can move a few more paid copies) but they only way to stay up on that is to check out the fanpage. I know there are some strings attached, but that's only because my fate is directly connected to your participation, ya know? I can't afford an ad campaign or a street team...so guess what you guys are now? Thanks in advance for spreading the word, even if I had to bribe you after all we've been through together. Help me help you help me help you help me!

Aight, umf'ers and f.u.c.k. scouts...to everyone who has already supported me with a purchase, a review, a *like*, a retweet, or even some interest...from the bottom of my heart, thank you. For those who haven't and ain't considering it...well, fuck you (no title pun). Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got some books to deliver around the office...I am not carrying all these home.

*unclips mic*

Video Formsprung-Wk6

2011-11-16T16:16:00.002-05:00

What...just because I'm back to posting I can't do vids anymore? Week 6, baby...thanks for the love umf'ers!

When Worlds Collide (or the Re-Introduction)

2011-11-14T15:14:00.000-05:00

So for over 3 years now, I've kept umf around as kind of a safe containment chamber for my online presence, the brick wall that divides Public AJ (the guy that my parents raised, that people see at work and that most assume I am until I open my mouth when they meet me) and Private AJ (the one for friends, females, and Facebook) for the purposes of shielding most of the people I know and know of from the full extent of my personality before they can handle it.

It's been a pretty effective system of keeping the riff-raff away from the cool kids table all my alternate personalities sit at, and also a decent safeguard against anybody who would have their image of me suffer as a result of reading the streams of my consciousness floating around the internet coming across them. Well, anybody whose potentially negative opinion of my life I give a fuck about, anyway. Of course, if you know me at all, you know that list is short...and starts with my mommy.

Yes, that's right...recently the carefully crafted lie that passes for my mommy's (fresh uncensored critical) knowledge of my life came crumbling down, and it all started with a very awkward phone call that went something like this:

*phone rings, AJ answers*

AJ: Hello?

Mommy: Hey, Anthony.

AJ: Hi, mommy! How are you today?

M: I'm just fine, thank you. What are you up to, my love?

AJ: Oh, volunteering at soup kitchens, coaching a youth basketball team, giving 110% percent at my job, bible study, saying no to drugs...you know, the usual.

M: Is that right? Aren't you a good boy, just like mommy raised you. I hear you're quite the writer, too...

AJ: Yes, I'm always on my best--*reviews sentence, remembers he has never mentioned writing aspirations*--wait, what?

M: Oh, yeah. I was playing around with the Google and saw a book cover with your name on it. (At least I know I've been submitted to search engines...) The book looked very interesting, it did.

AJ: *feels pressure, begins to scramble* Oh? There's a book out there with my name on it?

M: Don't play stupid, sweetheart. I know you...that lightbulb and crossbones is something you came up with. I've been watching you doodle since all your drawings of people had their arms and legs coming out from their heads.

AJ: ...oh. Yeah. So...did you get to read any of it?

M: Yes.

AJ: *heart falls out ass* I...see. *expects to be sent to room*

M: I liked it.

AJ: ...really?

M: Yes I did. I always knew you were a creative little thing, this only makes sense. I wish you wouldn't use that kind of language (lady, you have no idea) but I'm just glad you have plans beyond that job of yours. Your writing is good...I hope you do well.

AJ: Wow, thanks mommy! *beams* Wait...how much did you read?

M: The first few chapters.

AJ: Oh...okay. *thinks to self ,"good, she didn't get to the sex part or the part with the big personal confession."* Well, I guess since you know now, I can tell you I kinda have to go because I can't reconcile the mixture of pride, shame, and an odd relief that result from you finding out about my halo-deprived life and controversial writing career--I mean, work on some promotional stuff.

M: Oh, okay, sweetheart. I'll let you go, then. I love you!

AJ: I love you too, mommy.

M: Oh, and AJ?

AJ: Yes, mommy?

M: What's "under my fitted?"

AJ: uh...*crinkles peppermint wrapper in phone* You're breaking up... *makes mouth noises* I can't really... I think my call is dropping! *drops cell phone in sewer* Bye, mommy!

Okay, it's a little exaggerated, but it was still kind of a weird feeling to have parts of my life that really don't mesh come together...and more importantly, work well together. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to deal with this...I mean, it's not like you can make books and movies rated "E for Everyone but My Mom", so I suppose this just comes with the territory. If I can write shit that appeals to my twentysomething friends and can give my own mommy a chuckle or 2, I'm obviously doing something right. Still...I have a feeling Thanksgiving is going to be very interesting this year...

So, you wanna be a drug dealer?

2011-11-11T15:38:00.001-05:00

*fittedwearer's note: Happy Veteran's Day to all soldiers, past and present! I know this post is totally unrelated to the day's observations (well...mostly...there was Vietnam...and that whole business in South America...but that doesn't apply to the vast majority) but that's kind of the problem with running this kind of website for 3+ years...after a while, you hit all the holidays with themed posts. You want a Veteran's day post, there's one here somewhere...search and enjoy. The rest of you, settle in...and no drug use until the end of the post. (KIDDING...damn, don't be so quick to that "x" in the corner! The button, druggie.) Let's begin.

Since the first hit of opium...or coca leaf...or...ancient crack boulder...or whatever...changed hands at the dawn of human history, people have been dealing drugs to each other. It's always been perceived as a lucrative endeavor, its sellers of fortune romanticized and glorified from some of the oldest folk songs (such as "Pusher Man") to beloved classic films like "Scarface" and "Blow", documentaries like "Cocaine Cowboys", even current hip-hop in which pretty much everyone is moving 10 bricks a month (perplexingly, despite this implied income, many still have yet to pay back their advances).

The concept involved is pretty constant...the urban entrepreneur rises from humble beginnings, and after a while selling his product, gains wealth and power (usually by force), and enjoys the lavish lifestyle only someone with thousands of dollars tucked away inside the walls of their home can live. (Of course, at the end of just about every single story of this kind, the protagonist ends up in a box of some kind way before his time...nobody sees that part though.)

The palatial houses, fast cars, exotic women, and the intoxicating power such people posess can be a huge draw into "that lifestyle" especially for people too young to know any better (a state which can last to surprisingly high numbered ages in some folk). The appeal is easy to understand...who doesn't want to be on top of the world overnight? People often take to the block with dreams of one day reaching these heights...however, as many people find out, the lives depicted in this kind of media can be somewhat inconsistent with the realities of life.

You see, the people that are shown in these gold-plated, coke dusted fantasies are usually not on the block at all...they're behind it. Most people who take slangin' up as a trade will never see that status, or anything like it. The chiefs always get the songs and camera time...but for every chief, there are thousands of regular old Indians that don't get as much coverage.

Think of how a large company works...you have CEOs making millions of dollars to make decisions, middle managers who likely make just enough to maintain their lifestyle, and then you have the countless drones underneath them, collecting just over minimum wage to perform all the dirty work that keeps the company running while the big shots go golfing, talk global business and count money.

The under-the-table world is no different...you have the bosses making millions making major moves, you have middlemen, you have more middlemen (why do you think it's all so expensive?), then you have your corner boys. They're out there on the front lines, exposed to 90% of the dangers of the industry for less than 10% of the profits. Any way you slice that, it just doesn't add up...but many people just don't get that.

So, what I'm going to do is try and prove beyond doubt that being a low-level drug dealer just ain't worth it, even thought it may appear that way on the surface (go ahead and Google how many people start at the top, too...seriously, I'll wait). Follow me for a few bullet points, if you will...

- Profit margins for narcotics vary wildly by type, from marijuana, which can commonly have a 150% return on investment (that's if the seller doesn't like to roll up a few times a day himself) to harder, slightly less available stuff like heroin, cocaine, and crack, which can get up to 400% of what you spent back. For the purposes of this post, we'll assume that what you're selling earns 5 bucks for every dollar you invest for a 500% profit margin. Not bad, right? Let's continue.

-You start out with 100 units of your drug at a price of 10 bucks a unit, spending $1,000 to get your inventory. It takes you 5 days to move your product at a price of $50 a unit, and you don't even use any yourself or give out any bulk deals, leaving you with $4,000 profit at the end of a week... You've successfully managed to make a thousand a day...much more than you'd make at a 9 to 5, right?

-Let's factor in the fact that you had to stand outside, no matter time of day/night or weather conditions, for a standard 8-hour shift (and you really got off early, because most hustle men are out for 12, easy). That's $571 a day, but these were hours in which you were exposed to attack from a rival dealer, a stick-up from some kid with a gun, even a stabbing by a crackhead promised unlimited rocks for the week for doing so. Would you knowingly endanger your life at any given point in a day for $571? That's up to you. Moving on...

-If you want to keep all the profit yourself, for this $571 a day gross, you have performed a number of job duties. You were a salesman (with no commission and a capped earning potential), an advertising excecutive (who average the equivalent of $15 an hour) an armed security guard (who average a bit over $10/hr and likely more for protecting an active target like yourself), a customer service rep (another $10-15/hr...likely double to deal with zoned out rock zombies all day) an private accounting manager ($20/hr, easy), an inventory/stockroom manager (another $15 or so an hour)...oh, and a good lookout (potentially priceless).

This all comes to somewhere around $90-120+ an hour as separate jobs...but for $571 a day, you have done the work of 6 or 7 people...and gotten no overtime. That's a bad deal where I come from.

-While we're talking about overtime, let's mention the other benefits that a normal full-time salaried employee gets that you won't because of your chosen profession (like peace of mind). There is no paid vacation in that field...you're either at work or you're not making money. Personal days are your personal problem. Sick? No such thing as sick...cold, flu, stomach virus, gunshot wound...get out there and get that money. (There's no medical or dental either...that all comes out of your pocket.)

You'll never get to choose shifts, the fiends decide what your hours are. The pay can be somewhat irregular...you get paid when others get paid and pay you. Also, good luck with that 401k...your nest egg will likely be poached (by the cops or whoever else) when the time comes to use it. All these things are included with employment at most normal jobs...but this all comes out of your paycheck, and at great cost.

-On the plus side, you won't get taxed...but the expensive items you'll probably buy will attract attention, and eventually people will wonder just why you haven't filled out a W-2 lately. What's worse, the goods your money allows you to have are rarely absolute goods. The cars you buy will be followed, the house you buy will never be safe for you or your family, the girls you meet will have dollar signs instead of pupils...very little can be trusted when you fly blind into new territory.

-An added expense can be paying off those who would see your business shut down. Police, neighborhood folk who might not love their block crawling with dope fiends all hours of the day and night, local business owners, anybody that feels that your workspace is their territory and that you must share your profits to keep your venture (and yourself) alive...all must be paid off. This also comes out of your take-home pay.

-The prices of everything rise, and inflation is a bitch for everybody. During the course of the year, as a result of a big bust and scarce quantities, prices for your product go up from $10 a unit to $12 a unit. You have 3 choices at this point. Absorb the cost yourself and lose $2000 per pack of 100 units, decrease the quality of your product by watering it down and risk displeasing your clientele and driving them to a competitor, or find an alternate source for your wholesale purchase (if there is one). All 3 options will probably lose you money and leave someone involved upset...and the last thing you need is more ill will.

-Okay, let's talk about getting caught (and it WILL happen if you do it long enough). Unless you plan on sitting in jail until your court date, you're going to have to come up with some bail money, which, you guessed it, comes out of your own pocket. If you want to stay out of a state prison for the next 5 or more years, you'll want a private lawyer, whose services cost far more than your own. Of course, while you're dealing with these legal proceedings, you're not making money because it's a bad idea to be spotted on a drug corner selling drugs with an open drug case.

-Worst case scenario, you get caught, booked, and have to do a bid. They gave you 10 years for trafficking (because small-timers get big boy time too) ...that's 10 years of lost wages from your day job, pain and suffering, unpaid (or nearly unpaid) labor...oh, and 10 years of your fucking life. You might have made it a few years completely undetected...but once they gotcha, they gotcha. Is a year or 2 of the fly life (if you even get that) with parties at the finest bars and hotels worth 10 years of the all-guy life at the Iron Bar Hotel? I'll let you think about it.

Let's review. In a year, you can see over $200,000 dollars (that is, if you haven't blown all of it making it rain in local hood bars) pass through your hands. Admittedly, that's a lot of bread...but to get it, you've worked pretty much every waking moment, put your life in constant danger, put your family at risk, done more jobs than an immigrant...and unless you have a horseshoe, a 4-leaf clover, and an entire rabbit lodged somewhere in your pants, gotten arrested.

If you were willing to go through that much to accomplish any other end, you might have made at least twice that over time...however, I will admit this is much faster. All that said, I'll ask you again...you wanna be a drug dealer?

Penn Statement

2011-11-10T15:40:00.000-05:00

Obviously, the hot topic in sports...hell, in the world...is the ongoing Penn State sex abuse scandal. Living in Pennsylvania, I have a somewhat intimate idea of the scope and impact of the matter and formed an opinion on it relatively quickly, but elected to hold off until I knew some more facts of the case to share it with y'all....I know not knowing the facts doesn't stop most people, but you're likely here because I'm not most people.

I won't get too into the details, because if you're reading this you have a computer and know likely more than you want to about what what exactly is going down. However, I feel that there's a certain inequity in this case, namely that the nexus of the entire thing (according to just about everybody) is an 84 year old man who, as far as anyone knows, has never done anything more illegal than steal credit for coaching a Division I football program for the last 5 or 10 years.

Let it be typed that if old JoePa knew any more than is reported, I cannot defend him in any way whatsoever. When you see the charges that are being brought up here, you can see why I can't condone any shit like that. However, where so many people are jumping on his back for his percieved inaction in not reporting the claim to police, they miss a key part of the story...that a grown man, by his OWN CONFESSION, walked into a shower room and saw a child being violated by another adult...and did NOTHING about this.

That man's name is Mike McQueary, and in case you hadn't heard, he still has his job (yes, even after Penn State did the equivalent of nailing their own personal Jesus to the cross). Why the FUCK aren't we on this coward with all the wrath we can muster? You tell me, what kind of person could walk in on a scene that I have plenty of narrative powers to describe but no desire to picture and about-face like "oh...bad time, I see. I'll come back later...you guys have fun."

With all the options at his disposal, such as tearing the disgusting pervert a new fucking asshole, separating the two like a hockey ref, or even clearing your bitch ass throat so the kiddiephile knows that he's being watched doing something that is totally not cool and...y'know...stops...he elects to go home and call his daddy. Way to exempify the honor, integrity, and other rare elements that Penn State football program claims to instill in its young men, Mike. I'm sure your father was very disappointed in him, raping kids and all.

As if that wasn't enough, he had the brain fart that precipitated the upcoming shit storm...instead of going to the police about the CHILD RAPE HE HAD WITNESSED FIRSTHAND, he...tells the coach of the football team. Again, well-handled, sir. Of course, this is the point in time where everybody and their mother wanted Papa Joe to pick up the phone and immediately report this damning hearsay to the...wait, what? Did I just say "damning hearsay"? No such thing, is there? Yeah, that's right...can't exactly go to the cops with what you heard somebody saw.

This brings us to Joe Paterno's alleged involvement in this truly fucked up scenario. He, knowing that the last sentence of the last paragraph is something you either learn the easy way or when the cops hang up on you, informed someone who could then launch an investigation into the at-that-point-unsubstantiated rumors. (Say what you want about Joe addressing the creep in question directly on the matter...can't just go up to a person you consider a friend and go "so...banged any preteens lately?" Can't exactly "oh, my bad, then" that one.) At this point, as far as I understand how chains of command work, it became the responsibility of the nominal boss, the athletic director, who Paterno did inform, to pursue an investigation into somebody that works for him having sex with little boys on school property.

The point of the last couple of paragraphs was to make a point about Paterno's culpability in the situation...which is minimal. Review the steps in this situation. On one side, you have the the former football player who decided that stopping a child rape in progress was too much for him to tackle, and on the other you have the athletic director who decided that protecting the image of the university was more important than ridding the campus of a predator (how's that working out?).

In the middle, you have Joe Paterno, who appears to be the only person who did anything close to what was required of him...and was fired for his trouble. Popular opinion states that not only does Paterno deserve this, he deserves the chair for running and masterminding a underage brothel on a state-sponsored university campus...or something. Don't get me wrong...personally, I understand why JoePa had to go. He is the face of Penn State, and right now that face has black eyes, a broken nose, a fractured orbital socket and a buck-fifty scar. I can see why they have to have some plastic surgery.

However, in all the craziness surrounding this thing, some things get lost in the shuffle. For one, (and this went without typing, but nobody's going to say I didn't type it) there are children who were forever scarred by what went on because some guy thinks a football coach is more equipped to handle criminal matters than the police. That's fucked up. The rapist is still a free man and is not being shot in the dick with rock salt bullets right now. That's fucked up. The true champion who noticed a child being sexually assaulted and thought the best thing to do was inform his parents will walk onto the field on Saturday and help coach the Penn State football team...and THAT is fucked up.

In fact, the fact that McQueary keeps his job (and even gets a promotion...he is now the head coach) while the only person who did anything even remotely resembling the right thing is railroaded right out of Happy Valley is a travesty. I don't particularly count myself as a fan of Penn State or Joe Paterno, I just know when shit doesn't make sense when I see it. Say whatever you want about Paterno's involvement or lack thereof...the fact is the only person who knew for an indisputable fact that children were being harmed by this monster was Mike McQueary and he did NOTHING about it. This is an indication of the obvious...that Penn State administration fucked this as far up as they possibly could.

They say that the worst kind of cowardice is to know what the right thing is, and fail to do it. This means that a confirmed example of the worst kind of coward will walk the sidelines each Saturday as long as McQueary is deemed fit to be a punk ass leader of young men. If I was a Penn State football player, I would refuse to take the field as long as my coach is fired and the one who dragged him into the bullshit is still on the sidelines. Bottom line is, Penn State tried to make an example out of their patriarch in the wake of this disaster...what they are doing is showing an example of what they will tolerate as representative of their football program and school at large...can't blame JoePa for that. Just sayin'.

My New Job

2011-11-08T14:02:00.002-05:00

So in case you didn't hear the first 27 times I told anybody who would listen or see the gigantic jankified non-formatted cover/buy link over there, I dropped my first ebook, "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life" yesterday. (Seriously, I spent a month on Twitter writing an alternate version of it one post at a time...I seriously believe if you strung together all my advertising tweets, you'd get another fucking book.) Since I want to one day write and sell shit on a full-time basis, I decided to take a day off from the job that I don't give a fuck about in order to promote my new one as a writer.

I gotta say, I really liked it. My job, my rules, my way. (You can see the most formal attire allowed in the office in the picture...okay, fine, it's just an excuse to show off my umf/FfYL promotional t-shirt, but it's cool ain't it?) I reported for my job whenever I woke the hell up, got fit for duty with a couple bowls, got drunk and ate pizza before 10:00, lounged around all day wearing just a fitted and the hope that my ebook would sell, and spread my gospel all over the internet...and made a couple dollars doing it. It was what I had always wanted to do with my life ever since I figured out that "Power Ranger" was not a valid career choice.

To be honest, sales were a little slow at first. It might have something to do with my mental image of overadvertising. I know I hate when I see people talking about the same shit over and over like I would even consider giving a damn and I'm not only asking people for a damn...I'm asking them for that and $5. (Not to mention the fact that most people still want print books...first I decide to be a writer in an age when nobody reads, now I write ebooks for people who don't have any way to read them. This is not my life.)

I began to worry that my first attempt--well, second if you count screenplay "TBX" that's still alive and kickin' in that contest--at something longer than a lunch break was the fail, that I sucked as a writer and a person, and that I would be stuck in this soul-sucking rot pit for the rest of my miserable fucking life.

Then, something amazing happened. The internet began to work. People started posting, tweeting, sharing, linking. The views on the Smashwords "buy" page soared. People actually remembered that I used to have some website somewhere and came here to check out the book. The orders came in, first one, then another, then another. Finally, things were pointing in the right direction...maybe I wouldn't be a starving artist anymore!

Okay, that's bullshit...I didn't even make what I would in a day at work...obviously since I came back here...but dammit, it felt good to know that this thing was a possibility and that one day soon, I would be able to report to the best job (and coolest boss) I've ever had. Of course, today I suffered a rude awakening, both literally through my alarm clock and figuratively, as my indie-writer-for-a-day experience was at a temporary end. I dragged myself out of bed and my spirit ached with the thought of walking right out of creative stoner heaven returning to bill-paying purgatory.

However, there was something just a bit different. Instead of the permeating feeling of foreboding and dread that washes over me in waves every day from the time I wake until...well, the time I bake (but still!) ...I felt a strange new emotion...hope. There was a light at the end of this tunnel, and it might just have crossbones under it. I am now hopeful that because of "FfYL" or "TBX", I will be able to get the fuck out of here before my sanity finally lapses and I disregard most of the job advice I laid forth in my book. However, I am fully aware that while those sets of letters may be some of the most important in my life in the near future, there's one more that I would have never done any of this without..."umf'ers". So yeah, thanks for that...and wish me luck getting hired for my new job!

Romostasis: A Sit-Down with Tony Romo

2011-11-04T14:51:00.002-04:00

*fittedwearer's note: I know I've been gone for a minute, but now that I'm done with "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life", you can take this post as a full-time return to umf and my posting and infotainment duties thereof. I'm a little rusty writing things with less than 50,000 words after 2 months spent writing a 200-page book and feature film, but in light of recent events, I'm giving it a shot.

You see, Monday night while I was not watching Monday Night Football (hey, give me some better matchups and I'll tune in...I ain't spending 3 hours watching the Browns and Jaguars battle to a 3-3 tie AND and hour watching the same Geico commercial) I got an unexpected knock on on my door. I wasn't really expecting company, but I was pretty drunk as I had spent the whole day kissing cans of beer instead of going to work...so I figured, fuck it.Imagine my surprise when I opened the front door of my apartment and found myself staring into the face of the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys and (for some reason) my current favorite football player, Tony Romo.

It was the day after a rough outing against the Eagles, and I gotta say it was one of the few times I didn't feel like seeing any Cowboy's face until Tuesday around 11am when I check BTB, but since I unfortunately live in the city of Philadelphia, I knew old Tony was in trouble if somebody spotted him standing in front of my door in a trenchcoat, cleats, and a rain hat over his helmet...so I invited him in for a a quick chat. It was a pretty interesting conversation, and that's why I'll share it with you now.

*AJ hears knock on door*

AJ: Huh? Who the hell is that?

*AJ gets up and heads for door*

AJ: I'm not giving out any candy to these kids...their parents are probably Eagle fans. I swear if it's another one of those damn birdwatchers come to give me shit about last night, I'm gonna put a ho--

*AJ opens door, sees Tony Romo*

AJ: --ly shit, it's Tony Ro--mmff!!!

*Tony puts hand over AJ's mouth*

TR: SHH! You know who I am, I know who you are...just keep it down, man...you trying to get me killed in this city?!

AJ: (muffled) ...again?

TR: *rueful smirk* Yeah, you're AJ all right. Jerry told me all about you.

AJ: Jerry? You mean...*remembers* Jerry Jones? Damn, he remembered that conversation?

TR: Sure, man. He told me all about it.

*Tony lets AJ's mouth go, AJ lets Tony in, closes door, Tony takes off helmet then hat and sits down on couch*

AJ: Seriously?

TR: Yeah...Jerry told me to come talk to you...he said your chat with him really helped out. Convinced him to fire Wade a week later.

AJ: Wow, I'm not going to admit how proud I am of that...but wait, how the fuck did you get my address when I met Jerry in a cheesesteak shop and never gave it to him?

TR: Dude, do you have any idea how much Cowboys merchandise you buy from the team website? I mean, you have a stained glass Cowboys lamp. I'm pretty sure Jerry can find your address if he wants. In fact, he's sending a ride here now to pick me up in a while.

AJ: Fair. Anyway, ain't you supposed to be on your way back to Dallas to play the Seahawks? I know I wouldn't still be here if I had a choice.

TR: Man... *sigh* I don't know, I just decided to hang around here for a few days and wonder where I went wrong.

AJ: Is that why you still have your entire uniform on?

TR: Well, no...we football players always walk around in full uniform. Haven't you ever seen a commercial?

AJ: Uh...ok. Um...I would offer you a drink, but all I have is these cheap beers.

TR: Dude, I went to Eastern Illinois. Do you know where that is?

AJ: No.

TR: Neither do I! Nobody does! There wasn't anything to do BUT drink cheap beer and play football.

AJ: *laughs* All right...you got it.

*AJ gets another beer from fridge, comes back*

AJ: Anyway, not that you're not welcome...Romophobia is not condoned in this household...but what are you doing here?

TR: Like I said, Jerry said you could maybe help me out. I mean...that game on Sunday was just so depressing. We thought we were a pretty good team after last week then got treated like Madden on rookie level last night. I just don't get it, man. I have no idea what to expect from week to week.

AJ: Guess that makes 2 of us.

TR: Yeah, I do kinda feel bad for you guys...I know my career has shortened your lives a bit.

AJ: You have no fucking idea. Anyway, what was with that display? You didn't look comfortable, you didn't hit Dez or Miles after warmups, you looked kind of pissed off all night, and I'm pretty sure even if the Eagles defense had left the field we would have had to convert a third down to score...I've been a fan of yours for a while and I can tell when you're not right. What's up?

TR: WHAT?! You're pinning this on ME? I have a BROKEN FUCKING RIB and I go out there and compete on a high level to give my team a chance to win every game I pull a 9 over my head, and this is the thanks I get?

AJ: Tony--

TR: How the hell am I supposed to get the ball down the field when I don't even get a Mississippi to throw? I'm not going deep without protection...football, condoms, it's never a good idea!

AJ: I know.

TR: I know you know!

AJ: Damn sure do...but, Tony...

TR: Why is everybody always on me? It's not even like I can set the story straight, if I tell the media the reason we lost last night is because we insist on keeping an autistic backup tight end with hands harder than his head or because our starting linebacker would be faster on a Segway and not really because of anything I did, I'm throwing people under the bus. Hell, at least if they're under it, they're off it...they never did that last night.

AJ: Tony, I...

TR: And another thing! What the fuck difference does it make what direction my hat faces? Okay, it's backwards, but so are you for worrying about it. At least I can turn my hat around.

AJ: Whoa, whoa, Tony...friendly fire!

TR: *sigh, puts head in hands* I know...I know...I'm just so sick of it. So sick of it all. Cowboys fans hate me, non-Cowboys fans hate me even more...sometimes, I'm not sure I don't hate me.

AJ: Huh?

TR: I go out and put up top QB stats every year I can throw a damn ball and all I hear is how I much I suck, the same rhyming name jokes I've been hearing since I got my last name, and about that FUCKING FUMBLE 5 YEARS AGO! I--I just... *Tony breaks down, begins to weep*

*AJ puts a hand on Tony's shoulder pad*

AJ: Hey...hey...I barely even remember that fumble...

TR: *still sobbing* Yes you do! You even said you wanted to punch me in the stomach for it a couple weeks ago in one of your videos!

AJ: How did you...

TR: Jerry told me!

*Tony continues to cry*

AJ: Oh...well, I can't do it now...might hurt your ribs or my hand on that Kevlar and I don't want to do either.

TR: I try so hard and I just wanna... *blubbers*

AJ: C'mon, now...

TR: *waterworks still on* ZubbabubbablblblblAAAAAH!!!!

AJ: Aight, that is just about ENOUGH!

*AJ smacks Tony diagonally across the face, Tony looks up, stunned*

AJ: Now listen up. ESPN can say whatever they want about you, but dammit, any Cowboys fan with the sense they were conceived with knows that there are 20+ teams that would GLADLY take you over what they have. Sure, you're a bit frustrating at times because you kinda do dumb shit occasionally, but the reason we get so upset at you is because WE KNOW how good you can be and we HATE appearing wrong about it.

TR: You're just saying that to be nice...

AJ: Trust me, I'm not a nice guy. I told anybody who would listen that Vinny Testaverde sucked. I still would punch Drew Bledsoe on sight. Hell, I planted coke in Quincy Carter's locker! Trust me, if I didn't believe in you, I damn sure wouldn't say so.

TR: *sniffle*

AJ: We know with you we're never quite out of any game until we need more points than we have seconds left...but sometimes the other team is never out of it until quad-0 either. If you can turn that shit off, we will praise you like you figured out women. Don't you see that? You're not the only quarterback to fumble away a game...I have a feeling you won't even be the only one tonight with that douche Rivers playing.

TR: Hey...hey, yeah! I don't suck that bad, do I?

AJ: Not even close.

TR: So...so you guys still believe in me?

AJ: Damn right. Those of us who actually watch the games, that is.

TR: You'd rather have me than Rivers?

AJ: Yup.

TR: Than Vick?

AJ: Vick is a POS. Fuck him.

TR: Yeah, he kind of is! You know what AJ, Jerry was right about you! I can do this!

AJ: You bet your ass you can! Now get out of here and go take it out on a different set of birds!

TR: YEAH!!!

AJ: Sweet. Aight, lemme walk you downstairs.

*AJ and Tony walk downstairs, get outside, stand in front of home*

TR: Well, it was good meeting you, AJ.

AJ: Right back at you, T9.

*silver stretch limo-tank with blue star pulls up at corner, honks*

TR: Welp, that's my ride. I'm heading back to Dallas to try and turn this thing around.

AJ: That's the spirit, Tony...we ain't done yet.

*Eagles fan appears, spots Tony*

Eagles fan: Hey! Tony! Tony Homooooooooo! You ain't got nothing! You suck, butterfingers! How bout them Cowboys! E-E-G-E-L! FLYYYYYY, EAGLES, FLYYYYYYYY....

TR: Is this how they always are?

AJ: All the fucking time...

TR: Wow...no wonder everybody hates them. I'm sorry you have to live here.

AJ: Yeah, me too. Hopefully not for long.

TR: Heh...thanks again, AJ.

Eagles fan: YO TONY! How's Jessica? Bwahahahaha! Kicked your ass, yes we did! Great part is we never have to play you guys again! Dream Team, bitch! FLY, EAGLES, FLYYYYYY...

AJ: Hey, Tony....before you go, could you do me a favor?

TR: I think I know what it is...

*Tony reaches behind back, cartoonishly produces football*

TR: Hey kid...catch.

*fires at head of Eagles' fan*

Eagles fan: E-A-G-oof!

*football hits Eagles fan's face with extreme velocity, causing his face to fold in on itself like a vagina and teeth to fly out the back of his head, Tony leaps around wildly in celebration*

AJ: You're my hero, Tony.

TR: Thanks, AJ. Okay, gotta go man...go Cowboys!

*Tony heads to vehicle, gets in*

AJ: Yeah...go Cowboys!

*limo-tank pulls off*

AJ: Man, that was cool. Nobody's ever going to believe this...

*AJ hears sirens in distance, looks back at Eagles fan still on ground with football imbedded in face with blood leaking around it, AJ hears sirens come closer*

AJ: Oh shit, nobody's ever going to believe this!

*AJ scurries back inside to avoid wrongful arrest for hate crime and wait for Sunday*

Video Formsprung-Wk5

2011-11-02T16:18:00.001-04:00

I did it! I did it! On the right day too!

Full-time return very, very soon...thank all of y'all so much for continuing to rock with me!

Video Formsprung-Wk4

2011-10-27T12:20:00.000-04:00

*sigh*...I'll get it right one week....in the meantime, here's a late edition of "Formsprung"!

Thanks for all your questions this week...nice to know umf'ers still think about me...lol...

Video Formsprung-Wk3

2011-10-20T10:40:00.000-04:00

Sorry umf'ers, meant to post this yesterday...check it out and enjoy. Thanks for all the questions!

Video Formsprung-Wk2

2011-10-14T10:29:00.000-04:00

*fittedwearer's note: there's an explanation for the lateness in the vid...smfh...

Thanks for all your questions this week! You know what to do for next time...love umf'ers!

umf live! (10/7) Occupy wherever Movement, sports fanhood and health, Westboro back on that bullshit, "F.U.C.K. for Your Life" update, more...

2011-10-07T18:04:00.001-04:00

Maybe I can talk to yall a little more this way...I do miss umf'ers, yaknow? As alfuckinways, for the love!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.0

Video Formsprung-Wk1

2011-10-05T18:59:00.002-04:00

Formsprung- Season 2

2011-09-14T14:17:00.000-04:00

What's going on, umf'ers? I know we don't spend time together like we used to, but we'll always have "Formsprung"! Let's get right to it...

Where you were on 9/11?
Oh I was in 9th grade English when my teacher rolled the TV into the room from wherever they keep them and turned it on. At that point only the first plane had hit, and nobody was sure what happened. A few minutes later the second plane hit, and things got a little clearer. We got out early that day, and I remember thinking on the way home that we hadn't heard the last from the terrorists...and I was right. 10 years later, we're less free than we were that day, no more safe, and trillions poorer...not sure you can pin all of that on Al-Queda. Just sayin'...

NEW ORLEANSSSSSS

...is definitely gonna get a special shoutout in some future work of mine. Never forget those who show you love, or they'll forget to show it.

Ever think life isn't fair, how there are peole balling out of control while others struggle?
Yeah, I do wonder about that sometimes...how the really rich have everything they could ever want in life while the regular folk like us scratch and survive. Here's the thing though...except for the rare lottery ticket, any time you see a family with money, realize that at some point somebody earned that shit. It might have been 2, 3 or 5 generations ago, but somebody did something right to set their shit up. The best way to make life more fair is to be that person in your family history.

Who do you want to prove wrong about your life?
That's a very interesting question and I'm probably going to disappoint you with my answer. Honestly, the only people whose opinions stick with me are the ones who supported me and continue to support me. I know there are people out there who think I'm never gonna be shit, but they ain't too big a deal themselves. Think about it this way...it's easier to prove yourself and a few others right than to prove everyone else wrong.

(Damn, I think I just wrote my thought of the day!)

Your wife says pick one head pxssy for the rest of your life, wat you pickin?
Oh, she'll likely be very dissatisfied with my choice...but she'll probably want to invest in some kneepads. The importance of a good blowjob in the survival of a relationship cannot be overstated. It's the one act that can happen any and every day of a given month...and if you want to keep your man, probably should.

What do your parents do for a living?
Well, my mommy works at the Liacouras Center (which is why I had that job...nepotism makes the world go round) as...some kind of person with a desk, I don't know. My pop managed appliance stores most of his life, but lately he's just busy enough trying to keep my sick and half-crazy sister in check...and trust me, that's a full time job.

If you are witnessing a girl fight and one chick is winning do you stop it?

Hey, if I was in a fight and I was winning, I wouldn't want some chick breaking us up...I feel equal rights are equally right. Obviously, if someone is gonna die you may want to step in, but other than that my number one job is to get it on video.

Fav Burger?

I spend literal hours in my kitchen trying to perfectly recreate a bacon cheeseburger from 5 Guys with lettuce, tomato, fried onions, jalapenos, mustard, A1 and a tiny bit of mayo...but have never been successful. I won't give up though. You hear me? I WONT!

Is baseball really boring or its cause we're black?

No, it's actually boring...other than the odd 10-9 slugfest, most games are pretty dull. I do know a couple of avid black baseball fans though, so I think it's about what you grew up watching. Then again, there are people who love them some golf and NASCAR, and those people are overwhelmingly white, so you might have something there with the race and sports thing...

If you could talk to your 12 year old self, what would you say

heh...I'd say don't buy all those damn Pokemon cards! If I had all that money back, I could have produced my own damn movie lol...

(at least they're still good to break up buds on/with...)

Do you want reparations for slavery?

haha...if they ever end up offering them, sure, I'll take 40 acres and a Mustang...but I'm not holding my breath. Besides, there's an old Native American saying: "he who waits for forked tongue white man government to give fair shake end up living on reservation". I'll just try and get mine the hard way...

Do you go mall walking?

Well, the only mall in Philly is the Gallery and it's a hood mall...if you hang around there too long, you'll catch a case or an STD...so no, not really. In a better place, I could see myself hanging there.

Do you smile all the time or do you have a "natural frown"?

I smile more than most people (smirk, grin, whatever). I'm a generally happy guy, and am also high a lot, so random hilarious thoughts often flash across my consciousness for no real reason, causing me to smile or laugh. It would probably make most people feel awkward, but I look at it like they're just jealous that I'm having a good time...lol...

Floyd vs Ortiz who ya got?

As much as I like Ortiz's all-offense, "one of us is going down no matter what" style, I'd put my money on Mayweather. Besides, if he loses we're never gonna get that Mayweather-Pac fight...

what do you do for fun on the weekends?

This time of year, the ideal weekend would involve a Friday of unwinding after a long week of having my soul rended by this pointless job, a Saturday of either laying there intoxicated and thinking (which is where all this shit comes from) and/or trying to lure some girl to my house until the Cowboys game comes on, at which point she must either make some quiet, a sandwich, or some tracks. Yeah...that sounds good.

Almond Joy or Mounds?
Almond Joy...I don't eat them a lot, but when I do I really like 'em. Plus, they have a blue wrapper...when I can't decide between the 2, that usually breaks the tie.

OMFG YOUR ON TWITTER NOW?!
*sigh*

Yes.

It's for business, dammit...at least that's how I justify it to myself. I still kind of cringe whenever I sign on. I also haven't started doing #thisthing yet...although I know it's just a matter of time. Necessary evils to make it, I tell ya...

@fuck_4_yourlife

How's that ebook coming?

Great! I'm still kind of upset I don't get to post every day like before since I only get these couple of hours per day to work on this stuff, but I'm sure it'll be worth it once I sell a couple hundred copies...or more. High hopes, baby. :)

"FfYL" coming soon...it's the best 5 dollars you can't smoke. Get all the latest updates, previews, and random bullshit on Twitter @fuck_4_yourlife.

(See, business!)

Another great week of questions...keep it coming y'all, this might be the only form of post I get to do for a little while. You know I get to missing y'all and shit...lol... Aight sports fans, until next time, please get familiar with the umf Facebook fanpage and if you want all the latest shit on "Fresh, Uncensored, Critical Knowledge for Your Life"...*deep breath* follow it on Twitter @fuck_4_yourlife (ugh that's fucking annoying...). Well, I'm gonna get back to my f.u.c.k.'ing book right about now, but if you have a question for next week:

any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...

Formsprung- Season 2

2011-09-07T14:26:00.000-04:00

What's good y'all? I told you I'm gonna be better about this scheduling thing...let's start off my comeback tour (lol wow wtf) with a nice, rousing edition of "Formsprung". Let's see what you curious folk have for me this week...

What are five artists you want to see before you die?
Maybe it's because I spent 4 years working at the Liacouras Center concert hall when everybody from Lil Wayne to the Temptations to Avril Lavigne to Korn and everyone in between came through, but I've never been a person who gets too excited about concerts...I'd much rather go to a Cowboys game. Now THAT I want to do before I die.

Do you send smileys to guy friends?
hahaha naw man...that's real gay. There's a big difference between:

"Hey you trying to hang out later?"

and

"Hey you trying to hang out later? ;)"

I will not be my homeboy's booty call...please, don't do that bruh.

Do you and your high school buddies still keep in touch?
The few actual friends I had in high school, I still keep in touch with...the rest are what Facebook was programmed for.

How often do you go clubbing?
Rarely to never...the atmosphere is unappealing to me (strobe lights can be very deceiving), the drinks are too expensive, and I have a better chance of bringing somebody home from the local bar...not that either is necessarily a good idea. For me at least, there's really not much for me there.

why don't you promote your blog more?
Well, there's the fanpage and the odd shoutout on Facebook...but other than that, I guess you're right, I don't. Guess I've never wanted to be that guy who throws his link all over the place at people who don't want to click it. He's the cousin of the guy who hands out his insurance salesman business cards at a party...and that guy's a douche. Seriously, I guess I just haven't come up with any good advertising methods...I'm open to suggestions though...

Wayne sells a mill in a week again, surprised?
Not at all...people will love them some Weezy for as long as words that don't rhyme yet to most people need to be beaten into shape until they do.

Does Obama deserve another term?
Hey, he's done an okay job considering the shit show that he inherited and the conditions he works under...in fact, he's a better man than I...if some people in politics acted toward me the way they blatantly act towards him, I'm not sure I don't have them black-bagged by my secret police by now. In fact, after watching Barry O age about 15 years in less than 4 due to the stress and pressures of the job (which people trash him for anyway), I'm not sure why anyone like him would want to be president...so looking at it that way, no, he doesn't. Qualified for it, yes...but I wouldn't wish it on him.

However, no discussion of this is complete without the sentence "as opposed to who!?"

A meteor is fastilt approaching the earth. You have 24 hours to live , word to mase, what do you do?
24 hours? Damn...I wish I could come up with something besides the old standards "get drunk", "smoke everything I can find", "burn down my office building and the Eagles' stadium", "impregnate as many different highly attractive girls as possible", "steal and fly a jet fighter", "walk down an up escalator and vice-versa", and "write a post about it", but I'm just not that imaginative...sorry.

Name your flaws or thingd you dont like about yourself.

Somebody will be able to write a complete biography one day based entirely on episodes of "Formsprung"...hey, I asked for it... :) Here are the big ones...

1) I suck at math. Suck. 2 digit numbers give me fits...it will probably take me longer than it takes to type this sentence to figure out what 46+87 is.

2) I can be lazy as fuck sometimes. I ate dinner last night off of the aluminum foil I baked it on because I didn't feel like washing dishes...something I haven't done all the way for longer than I care to admit.

3) I'm impatient...I wait an average of 3 hours for every train to work, I've had the same job for 25 years, and in my world, football season isn't for a couple months.

That's about enough of my shortcomings in public haha...

Football season starts Thursday, Give your SB winner now
Hmm...let's see...San Diego's been so good for so long without winning it all and they're one of the few NFL teams I have no problems whatsoever with...if it can't be my Boys, I want them to have it. They're owed some good fortune after having the number 1 offense and defense in the league last year...and missing the playoffs anyway.

(Of course, there's another squad who deserves a lucky win or 3 this year...but nobody else is talking about them, and I prefer it that way...so I won't either.)

Oh, and the answer is 133! I knew I'd get it!

Why did you and your last ex breakup?

Well, to quote Scott Pilgrim, it's a long story full of sighs...but it can be summed up thusly:

My ex...wasn't what I thought she was! She wasn't what I thought she was!

She played me for no good reason...who the hell takes a committed relationship like it's bullshit!? Bullshit! I was with her for a while...we both seemed happy....but she wasn't who I thought she was! And that's why I feel the way I feel. So if you want to call her, then call her ass! But she wasn't who I thought she was!

That's all I've got to say...

*storms off*

hahaha...I forgot how much fun that was! I'm definitely gonna try to make it a point not to skip another one...soon. Thanks to everyone who asked a question this week, and if you want to get one in for next wekk, just find the question box >over there> or look for the link under this:

any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...

Checkin' In: A letter to umf'ers (yeah, you!)

2011-09-06T13:51:00.000-04:00

Uh...hey guys,

I just wanted to let y'all know that I definitely didn't forget about y'all (and announce the official completion and registration of the script for the TBX movie, in case anybody didn't hear me the first 34 times I said it on the internet and to any 3-D people that would listen) ...how could I forget a group of people who take time out of their days to get me to constantly reveal sordid details of my life on a weekly basis? Seriously, I missed talking to y'all, even with all my new life directions and shit.

Oh, and on that topic, the reason I posted like 3 times last month is that I was taking my best swing at the online Champion Screenwriting Competition with the now completed and registered TBX script (35 times...so I'm a little hype, fuckin' sue me!). Prize is $10,000, the right to get my work in front on some eyes that are located above some deep pockets, a free pass out of this 40 hour a week hellhole and the general acknowledgement that I'm the fuckin' man with a pen in my hand (keyboard...you know what I mean). So, yeah, that's kind of a big deal. Doesn't excuse my complete lack of posts...I can dig that...which is why I'm writing this.

As I'm sure y'all probably noticed, I don't get to post on here as often as I would like any more...one reason is that I use most of the time I steal from my job to write stuff like screenplays and e-books nowadays...and the other is that I don't want to use up all my good riffs on unpaid endeavors. (You'll thank me when you don't recognize every joke in some future mass-produced foolishness of mine.) That'll definitely change when I can get the fuck out of this job...you just couldn't imagine how hard it is to get any real work done when your job gets in the way.

Anyway, I want to thank y'all for continuing to spread the word about umf in my semi-absence and continuing to check out some of the old posts (it's only fair since nobody read many of them the first time :p ). It was kind of crazy to take a month off and see my munbers hold steady, and even spike on a few days...but hell, I'll take it. It means a lot to me to know some folk are with me even when I'm not around. I know I've been neglecting the fuck out of the umf fanpage (which you are still invited to *like* and make suggestions on) as well as the actual hat over here...I'll try to be better about that, I promise. I'll make it up to you too...any way you want (except that, you sick freak) just say the word.

I guess I'll keep this short (well, short for me...keep it capri?) ...I know y'll have probably found something else to do with the 10-30 minutes a weekday that used to be mine...and honestly, I can't blame y'all. It's not you, it's me...you're great, but you're just not my type and I'm not really ready for a relationship, and I'm sure you'll find the right...wait, this isn't a breakup, just a checkup. Just wanted to let you guys know with all the things on my mind these days, you guys are still right up there...seriously. You just don't pay me...lol. Aight, I got an e-book to write...."Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge (for your life)" (Yes, I'm serious...get your Kindles ready..."F.U.C.K. for Your Life") is coming sooner than you think). Thanks for riding with me...trust me, this one goes somewhere fun.

Love,
AJ

Formsprung- Season 2

2011-08-24T14:35:00.003-04:00

What's good umf'ers! The bad news is I only got one question this week. The good news is it was enough for a post in itself. Here we go...

I know you have a story from the Great Northeast Earthquake of 2011.

Of course.

The time was around 2:00 sometime. I was working on my big secret(ish) project here at my desk on the 11th floor of this near-hundred year old building on the East Coast when I began to feel really lightheaded and the room started to sway back and forth around me. For about a quarter of a second, I chalked it up to drunkenness and just continued typing.

Then, it hit me...wait just a damn second, I'm not drunk at all...I haven't touched a drop all day (well, since the sun came up)! Maybe one of the jokes I just typed was so funny that the room I was in had a chuckle at it too...but more than likely, the entire building was actually shaking. I looked up at my supervisor with what had to be the single most fucked up look I've ever arranged my face into and saw that she had a similar look on hers. This confirmed that indeed, my workplace was vibrating.

I knew then I had to devise a plan, and thankfully my muses did not fail me...I decided to put my feet under me and get the fuck out of there at once. (I couldn't help thinking of that age-old question, if your house was on fire and you only had time to save a few things, what would they be? I found out for a fact that those items were "my smartphone, my fitted, and my black ass.")

After I alerted my co-workers that they might want to adopt a similar course of action, then headed for the reinforced concrete stairway. (Many of them elected to pack into the elevator in this emergency...I can see the thought process... "Oh, I'm standing in a life-size game of Jenga being played by someone with the meth shakes? I know what I'll do! I'll get into this small metal room suspended hundreds of feet above the ground from a cord with about 20 of my best friends and we'll all be saved together!")

People from lower floors acted like they didn't want their fucking lives, walking slowly down the 20+ flights of stairs needed to get out of the building...of course I, being reasonably intelligent, did everything but trample them on my way out, instead using a series of polite jukes and passes to be one of the first people out of the undulating building and onto the sweet, sweet sidewalk. Of course, by then it was all over...but I can't say I'll ever forget yesterday. (Yes, the fact that I have a lifetime memory involving this job now makes me wish the shaking had an Etch-a-Sketch effect on me, quaking 3 or 4 years of bad memories and wasted time out of my mind like a clean slate...but I digress.)

There you go...you just spent 5 or 10 minutes reading about the most interesting 30 seconds of my life. Sometimes things just shake out that way, I guess. I made a couple Facebook statuses, had a couple extra drinks last night, and moved on, hoping to never experience that again...in Philly. If I want to be in an earthquake, I'll move to Southern Cali...at least the weather is nicer (and they don't shoot up buses).

Who says less ain't more? Hopefully I get a few more next time, but hey...at least I have time to finish what I was working on yesterday before I was rudely interrupted by tectonic plates and shit fuckin' around. If you want to ask a question for next week, just find the blue question box >over there> or just hit the express link:

any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...

Formsprung- Season 2

2011-08-24T14:35:00.000-04:00

What's good umf'ers! The bad news is I only got one question this week. The good news is it was enough for a post in itself. Here we go...

I know you have a story from the Great Northeast Earthquake of 2011.

Of course.

The time was around 2:00 sometime. I was working on my big secret(ish) project here at my desk on the 11th floor of this near-hundred year old building on the East Coast when I began to feel really lightheaded and the room started to sway back and forth around me. For about a quarter of a second, I chalked it up to drunkenness and just continued typing.

Then, it hit me...wait just a damn second, I'm not drunk at all...I haven't touched a drop all day (well, since the sun came up)! Either one of the jokes I just typed was so funny that the room I was in had a chuckle at it too...but more than likely, the entire building was actually shaking. I looked up at my supervisor with what had to be the single most fucked up look I've ever arranged my face into and saw that she had a similar look on hers. This confirmed that indeed, my workplace was vibrating.

I knew then I had to devise a plan, and thankfully my muses did not fail me...I decided to put my feet under me and get the fuck out of there at once. (I couldn't help thinking of that age-old question, if your house was on fire and you only had time to save a few things, what would they be? I found out for a fact that those items were "my smartphone, my fitted, and my black ass.")

After I alerted my co-workers that they might want to adopt a similar course of action, then headed for the reinforced concrete stairway. (Many of them elected to pack into the elevator in this emergency...I can see the thought process... "Oh, I'm standing in a life-size game of Jenga being played by someone with the meth shakes? I know what I'll do! I'll get into this small metal room suspended hundreds of feet above the ground from a cord with about 20 of my best friends and we'll all be saved together!")

People from lower floors acted like they didn't want their fucking lives, walking slowly down the 20+ flights of stairs needed to get out of the building...of course I, being reasonably intelligent, did everything but trample them on my way out, instead using a series of polite jukes and passes to be one of the first people out of the undulating building and onto the sweet, sweet sidewalk. Of course, by then it was all over...but I can't say I'll ever forget yesterday. (Yes, the fact that I have a lifetime memory involving this job now makes me wish the shaking had an Etch-a-Sketch effect on me, quaking 3 or 4 years of bad memories and wasted time out of my mind like a clean slate...but I digress.)

There you go...you just spent 5 or 10 minutes reading about the most interesting 30 seconds of my life. Sometimes things just shake out that way, I guess. I made a couple Facebook statuses, had a couple extra drinks last night, and moved on, hoping to never experience that again...in Philly. If I want to be in an earthquake, I'll move to Southern Cali...at least the weather is nicer (and they don't shoot up buses).

Who says less ain't more? Hopefully I get a few more next time, but hey...at least I have time to finish what I was working on yesterday before I was rudely interrupted by tectonic plates and shit fuckin' around. If you want to ask a question for next week, just find the blue question box >over there> or just hit the express link:

any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...

Formsprung- Season 2

2011-08-17T15:07:00.001-04:00

What's good umf'ers? If you don't know what this is by now...

Still no Twitter?
lol thanks for noticing! If somebody gives me 7 really, really, REALLY good reasons to do so without using the word "follow", I'll do it. That's as far as I'm willing to go.

How'd you like Watch the Throne?
I haven't heard the whole album yet, but it's way better than most of the other shit floating around right now. One beef though...that cover...whoa. Fright night.

Now that Jayz and Kanye have found a new way to combat leakers, will the music industry change?
Nope...and here's why.

1) Did you see what they had to go through to keep it under wraps? Locked suitcases, secret hard drives, offsite data storage, government-strength encryption...it was like nuclear launch codes. Nobody's doing that for every album, but Agents Jay and K can afford it...can you see some random ass career mixtaper doing the same?

2) People will figure out a way around it...just ask the movie industry.

How depressed do you get when you see rich people livin life like jay and Kanye and then we're struggling working dead end jobs?
I don't get depressed when I see a dude that legitmately worked hard and used his skills to be successful, because I don't want anybody doing that to me WHEN I do it. However, when I see some unfunny hack doing what I do, clearly doing it badly, and making way more money than me to do it while I make pennies to do something I don't care about...that's what chaps my balls. Fuck that no-talent assclown (and by now, you KNOW who I'm talking about).

What celeb would you pay a dollar to slap the shit out of them?
Holy shit that's a deal! How many dollars can I use?! Crockett is the latest to hit my "hate list", but I'm not sure he even qualifies as a celebrity. DeSean Jackson? Usher? Justin Beiber? Billy Ray Cyrus? Nicki Minaj? Charlie Sheen? Eli Manning? DJ Khaled? Carlos Mencia? You know what...can I buy 10 slaps and get a couple free?

What was your last good deed?
My last good deed...hmm...about a month back, I was in line at the ATM and the lady before me finished her transaction, calmly tucked her head up her ass, and walked away without her credit card. After Googling "ways to use a found credit card" and finding out they were all illegal, I ran her down and returned it (and I was kidding about the identity theft part, in case the cops are reading this).

Oh, and if it counts (and apparently it does nowadays) I held the door for an old lady earlier this week. She looked at me like I had just given her 5 dollars and said "that's so rare nowadays, you're such a gentleman!" before walking away with an apparently restored faith in humanity. I didn't know that had fallen by the wayside...we should all be a tiny bit ashamed.

did you see they found DNA on that space rock?
Yup...I want to see somebody tell me there's no such thing as aliens now!

!!!!NEW ORLEANS!!!!
lol where were you last week?

What do you deal with these chicks who have god complexes, like you 're wasting your time approaching them?
I know the type...trust me, you are wasting your time. I learned that a few years ago back in high school...the good part is they have about 10 years max to act like that, and that's IF they don't pop out a few pups and get fat as the queen of all manatees, hit hard times and get bummy, or just generally fall off beforehand. Trust, dude...ignore them, nothing makes those bitches feel worse than knowing not EVERYBODY's world orbits them.

What was the last interesting convo you had about and with who?
I had a nice long conversation yesterday with my boy Tone here at the job about my current screenplay and a couple other ideas for 3D projects I'm bouncing off of him...I got a hell of a lot out of it. I really, really wish I could tell you and umf about it but...the internet, ya know?

WHy do females like lightskinned dudes more than us brown ones?
You're talking to the wrong females...women LOVE chocolate. Work that to your advantage, my brown brotha.

Males getting pedicures? YAY OR NAY
I know the whole metro new age thing is in now, but I can't endorse that. Toe separators are just not masculine.

Do you think about your parents dying?
As a matter of fact, I do sometimes. Not to be morbid, it's just that I know that if I'm lucky, they'll go before I do. I'm expecting it in the back of my mind somewhere. I often wonder what I'll feel like, what I'll do, what'll happen to my sick sister...then I remember how lucky I was to have both of mine around for 23 years in the first place. That and the realization that no parent should have to bury their child usually help me work through the thoughts. Either way, I think I'll call my mommy today...

what are you afraid of?
Failure, irrelevancy, and bees...and I haven't even decided what order those go in.

J Cole Yay or Nay
Who dat? haha na, I like his shit...definite yay.

how often do you cry?
Not very...occasionally when the Cowboys lose (and as you can imagine, I was out of tears by about October of last season) and every so often a single drop of molten lava will blaze down the side of my face right before I explode in anger at something or other...but really, not often at all. Come on, I'm a guy...

WHY IS JADAKISS AS HARD AS IT GETS???
Out of necessity based on certain environmental realities that Mr. Kiss was likely exposed to during his formative years. The standard defense mechanism for coping with these negative sitmuli is to develop an emotional shield and present a tough and durable, i.e. "hard" persona to the world to avoid the pain that life can cause. Mr. Kiss, as he frequently expresses in his lyrics, is no stranger to gritty urban adeversity...thus, to survive, he must be much harder than your average person...in fact, as hard as it gets. That's why...well, either that or Viagra, I don't get into his business all like that.

(I want to let y'all know that's the 3rd time I've gotten that question in about a year and a half, and pride myself on providing a different answer every time haha)

Are you satisified with your life so far?

You ask me this question as I sit here as pretty much an utter unaccomplished nobody at my meaningless job doing something a monkey could do (for pay he likely wouldn't be able to put bananas on his family's table with), 2 and a half hours before I take public transportation (and hope I don't get shot on it) back to my 1 bedroom apartment in the heart of beautiful West Philly. I think it's safe to say "no".

Besides, Affion Crockett's ass having a TV show while I can't even get 100 readers or *likes* pretty much fucked any chance I had of pretending I was satisfied right up the ass. Definitely safe to say "no". "Fuck no", in fact.

Thanks for another great week of questions! I swear, y'all never run out of the good shit...great episode this week! (It's the 75th, if that matters haha...) Aight, if you want to ask one for next week, get familiar with the question box >over there> or..you know how links work, right?

any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...

Drunk with the Clicker: In The Flow

2011-08-15T14:51:00.000-04:00

*fittedwearer's note: yes, I did bring this entire section back just for this.

So over the past few weeks watching various things on Fox (Family Guy and those other cartoons that look a lot like it) I've seen a few...hundred...thousand...commercials for this new sketch comedy show, "In The Flow", with ex-Wildin' Out member Affion Crockett (if you don't know him, you don't need to). Before it's premiere airing last night, the network anointed him over and over as "the next biggest star in comedy"...as that's the spot I want, I decided to check out the competition. Honestly, the commercials didn't look that funny at all, and originally, I had planned to spend about 5 or 10 minutes watching it just for the old S and G. What followed was one of the most memorable hours of my life.

Not because the show was any good, mind you. I'll at least save you the suspense of a review and say "it fuckin' sucked", if that's what you've come for. What I'm going to share today is a loose account of my experience watching the show, in an effort to prove that man not only deserves no broadcast programming time whatsoever, he should be suspended from YouTube, have his Twitter account shut down, slapped in the Facebook, put under review by the NAACP and forced to go 3 rounds in an MMA match with a person who is actually funny, with the proceeds going to a charity for starving but talented comics. I can never recall laughing less at something that was supposed to be funny. Comedy in general is hit or miss...but when you're striking out every time you pick up a bat, you need to hit the showers. Case in point:

9:03 pm- After one last airing of the promo spot for the show (and a heated internal dialogue involving my anti-sheep sensibilities clashing with my desire to see things crash and burn), I decided to give the man 5 minutes of my time. I had a powerful suspicion I would not care for his comedy stylings at all, as they mostly consisted of doing his best imitation of Dave Chappelle's mildly retarded cousin, but had to confirm that it would be as bad as I thought going in. As it turned out, it was worse...

9:07 pm- Midway through a very uninspired Tiger Woods comeback skit involving Tigs playing miniature golf to cure his wayward game (and making a few awful sex jokes in the process...come on man, it's been damn near a year, all the good ones were already used), I realized that if this was what they were opening with, the tank wasn't too full. Just how bad would this get?

9:12 pm- A new low. Not content with not being funny, he decides to not be funny and pimp a struggling fellow network show at the same time. He asked the audience what the number 1 show on Fox was, and of course they all responded, in unison..."American Idol"! (Forget that that show has fallen off to the point where it's less a TV talent show and more the broadcast version of herpes, something that just keeps coming back no matter how much nobody wants it...Idol's #1!) This was a perfect opportunity for Crockett to unleash his next comedy innovation...discarded American Idol judge audition tapes! He used this segment in not one, but both episodes, implying that this will be a running segment for everyone who loved the show to enjoy every time they tune in...so both of y'all should be very pleased.

Of course, this was merely a thin premise used so he could bust out a few of his imitations...first up was "Manny Paquiao" (Everyone who doesn't watch boxing just went "huh?"...and for good reason) who showed up, spoke bad English, threw some shadow punches, and left, before later appearances from "Drake", "Chris Rock", and "Nicki Minaj", whose appearance was especially unimaginative. (I mean, "Nicki Minaj" is right below "the next person who will kick me in the nuts" on my "favorite people" list...if you can't make me laugh at a parody of her, you suck.) I couldn't help but think Fox execs had him wrap the skits around American Idol to remind people it still comes on.

9:15 pm- Still awaiting my first chuckle, I saw a real dud of a Twilight parody following a light brown skinned man (Crockett) named "HiLight", who recieves special treatment based on his fair skin tone...because that's a healthy thing to encourage and all. I didn't know where the skit was going when it started, and that's exactly where it ended up.

9:17 pm- A skit called "Wake-Up Call", where 2 hotel employees deride a patron who asked to be woken up at a specific time, using the line "Wake-Up Call!" as an opener (She didn't go for the obvious comeback "wake up call, you work behind the desk at a hotel making the same money as an immigrant day laborer!"). The jokes are harmless enough, I've heard better on a few schoolyards, but the real danger in this skit is in its potential to be quoted in real life with even less funny jokes. I can almost guarantee that the first person to use "wake up call" to preface an insult to me will need one, because I'm putting they ass to sleep.

9:23 pm- The funniest part of the hour, an Orbit commercial involving a man bobbing for apples and coming up with a man's thong in his mouth. How bout them apples, indeed.

9:27 pm- I decided I couldn't stomach any more of this on an empty one, and decided making myself some food was a better use of my time than anything on the show...so I went about it.

9:38 pm- Next up is "Afritar", an Avatar parody involving the jungle, marijuana, and a guest appearance from Snoop Dogg (the real one). Hilarious, if only to see Snoop in a blue jumpsuit and face paint looking like Negro Smurf. Okay, "hilarious" is strong...I smirked upon seeing Mr. Dogg and that was it...but compared to everything else, it was uproariously funny.

9:40 pm- During some terrible skit that I've repressed like a bad childhood memory, I found myself wondering how he got a TV show at all. The only possible explanations were blackmail or fellatio...and I still haven't decided which.

9:42 pm- The one that probably will have people talking about the show if it will be talked about, the Obama skit. It purported to show what our president was like during his time to himself and featured Crockett with extremely blackened lips that looked like he was trying to imply that Barack Obama uses a car cigarette lighter as ChapStick. Of course, the skit went to all the most obvious places, Barry O was depicted drinking malt liquor, smoking oversized joints, shooting dice, dancing around with his rough-looking homies, and generally cooning around. I think this skit set my people so far back, CPT will now be referred to as "Crockett Time". One thought ran across my mind as I continued to watch this painfully unfunny display of pandering self-hatred..."doesn't he get enough of this from white people?"

9:52 pm- After a skit about conscious rapper Common's new cold medicine, a joke that barely deserves a Facebook status, let alone 3 minutes of screen time, it was time for the grand finale, "Skinny Paint". This sketch was a monument to homoeroticism, following a group of young rappers who have ditched their skinny jeans (which are for girls anyway) in favor of simply painting their bottom half in fashion colors and flailing around with their legs spread. The network-mandated blurs weren't enough for a viewer not to be able to tell that they were actually naked from the waist down. It was less funny than powerfully uncomfortable to watch...I felt like my eyes had been raped by the time the show was over. When someone compares your comedic display to sexual assault, you generally didn't do too good a job.

I came away from the show with a sickening feeling that life was unfair. I knew then how talented amateur chefs feel when they see Rachael Ray's screechy, non-chopping ass making 500 grand an episode, how decent women might feel about bitches on reality TV or how Mexicans must feel about Carlos Mencia. I felt, firsthand, the totally justified feeling that someone is nowhere as good as me at what I do and is far more successful than me at it. In short, the comedy show left me feeling worse than I did before I watched it. By definition, that's all the review you should ever need. Fuck you, Affion Crockett.

Bitches ain't Shit: a letter to the otherside

2011-08-12T14:00:00.001-04:00

*fittedwearer's note: Even though I severely doubt it, I'm willing to accept the possibility that this is just a statistical anomaly involving a random glut of really shot out chicks living within the Philadelphia city limits...but other than that, I mean the living hell out of everything I'm about to type.

I know I spend a lot of time ragging on the females of my generation...it's not my fault, many are some of the most fucked up persons ever to touch 2 feet to the surface of the Earth. I mean, females have always been crazy (yes, all of you...and the likable ones just contain a form of craziness compatible with whoever likes them), but that's old-school crazy. We've dealt with that as men for thousands of years, and loved them anyway.

No, this is a new breed of bitch entirely...self-centered, entitled, profligate, irresponsible, unstable, lacking any kind of goals or direction, totally undomesticated (I mean that in both the homemaker sense and the sense that they can't be brought inside a place where other people are without a regrettable incident), attention whoring and whore whoring, all served with a side of Beyonce-flavored superwoman (or Bizarro Bitch, in this case) attitude that is almost inexplicable when paired with the other attributes that many of them possess.

In short, those bitches ain't shit. You hear no shortage of men willing to attest to this....and why not, it's true! In fact, I'd hazard a guess that well over 75% of the female population of an average city (or just this one) holds absolutely no merit other than what you can see. However, every so almost never, one encounters a female with her head pointing at the correct angle. She, with her caring ways, sensible nature, functioning moral compass, talents, independent attitude AND capabilities, and...all the other stuff that's the opposite of those bad things I wrote before...should be honored and celebrated. In fact, she's exempt from the "bitches ain't shit" theory at large...she's not a bitch at all, she's a real woman! Many don't take the time to make that distinction...I will.

Dear real women,

Fuck you, you dippy, fraudulent broad. (Sorry, had to scare off all the chicks who don't deserve to read this letter but just spent the last 2 paragraphs going "oh, that's me!" Stop reading this. Kill yourself. You're part of why a lot of us have trouble with this distinction now.)

Okay, now that the riff-raff is gone, I can say what I have to say. I wanted to let y'all know that somebody out here appreciates what you're doing. Seriously, you stand out from the crowd like the rest of the world is black-and-white and you're in HD. If you deserve to read this letter, you're beautiful. You may or may not be physically attractive, but let me tell you your beauty is beyond question. It can't be easy to live in a fucked up world and remain an unfucked person, but I'm asking you to try. I know there's not a lot of reasons for you to be the way you are nowadays, with everyone around you acting a damn fool and seemingly being rewarded for it...but it's very refreshing to still have slivers of faith in femalekind, and it's all because of ladies like you.

My mommy told me you existed. She told me what to look for in a woman...unfortunately, the only benefit many of your peers have is the only one my mommy would likely never tell me to look for (and if she did, that would have made a very awkward conversation). Not you. You're different. You have merit as a person. You can hold a conversation, speak in sentences with more than 4 words...hell, I'm even interested in you when your nipples aren't showing. You may be a college student trying to make it, trying to start a career, attempting to raise a reasonably well-adjusted child, or otherwise trying to take over the world...whatever it is, I respect it. You know why? Because it's not "nothing". There's nothing sexy about a lack of ambition, and yours looks good on you.

I know a lot of guys can't or won't see it. They'll go right for the smoking-hot but otherwise worthless bitch and pass right over your ideal self, then when she flakes off we say "bitches ain't shit" and wish we had a good woman...meanwhile the luckiest of us could have had you all along. Of course, by the time we figure out happiness is greater than hotness, we're usually all a little older and you've found someone who can appreciate all your gifts, leaving us shit out of luck. It's the same thing I (rightfully) accuse females of doing with "nice guys"....but trust me, anyone who can't appreciate your gifts and presence shouldn't be someone whose party you're interested in, anyway. I refuse to be that guy, and that's why I'm writing this.

Really, I just want you to know how valuable you can be. You are the rarest of finds nowadays. Gold prices skyrocket in uncertain times...when our new-age currency loses worth, people find security in it. A similar effect happens in the romantic world...when our new-age currency of temporary affection and serial orgasms loses worth, people find security in the love of a good partner. When global shortages like this one go down, the worth of a decent woman is astronomical. Realize that you're premium goods and that you deserve better than sale rack shoppers...most of the guys who complain that "bitches ain't shit" ain't shit themselves.

I beg the few who were qualified to read this, don't change. Most of the men you run across won't deserve it at all, but eventually one might and you can't risk shortchanging a guy like that. A pretty girl or a fine bitch is a good look on your arm at a cookout, at a fancy restaurant, or taking a kinetic nap in between your thighs. A beautiful woman is a good look in your life. I recognize the difference, and believe it or not, a few other guys do too. Once a good girl goes bad, she IS gone forever...I'm just asking you not to go. Like I said, it's certainly true that bitches ain't shit...but then again, you're not one at all (the majority of the time), are you? If you can, try and keep it that way...a lucky guy will thank you one day.

Love,

umf by the numbers!

2011-08-11T15:08:00.000-04:00

I can barely believe it myself, but I've been talking to y'all (well...I was talking to myself for about a year before some of y'all figured out I was here, but whatever) about any and all manner of everydamnthing for 3 years. Yup, that's right, since August 2008 I've been wasting days of your life 10 or 15 minutes at a time...and like I said in my letter to umf'ers last year, I really couldn't picture my life without it or y'all, real shit. It's been quite a fun time in my life, went through a lot of changes...hell, I'm still making a few...and y'all have been there for the whole ride. I can't add up how much I appreciate that...but even though this experience we refer to as umf is so much more than the sum of its parts, I can at least show my work...so here it is, umf by the numbers!

735- number of posts (excluding this one) on umf.

4- Approximate number, in months, of work time I've wasted to create these 735 streams of my consciousness. The best part about my job is not doing it so I can do this.

49.3- Estimated weight, in ounces, of the amount of herbal medicine it has taken so far to inspire post after post.

5- Times the layout and color scheme of this place has changed. All have been various combinations of blue, silver, and white, the colors of a certain NFL football team.

1.4- Approximate number of times I reference the Dallas Cowboys on umf per week, and that's only in the offseason. That number just went up slightly, as I have just done it twice in the last 4 sentences. It will also increase exponentially, as the season will soon start...go Cowboys!

11- Number of "field guides" I've written about various things in life, such as hoodrats, surviving city life, smoking weed, cheating on a significant other, and Facebook Ettiquette.

0- other places on the internet you can get that kind of information.

1- number of poems I've written for each of my parents for their individual Parents' Days ("Pop Culture" and "Mommy!", respectively). My sister also got her own post for her birthday one year. None of the people involved have read their posts, nor will they in the near future.

107- Number of Facebook *likes* for my most *like*able post ever, "Facebook Species- A Field Guide".

Many more than 107- Number of people who probably didn't *like* it too much because they saw their species identified.

361- Number of times the Google search term "how to sound cool on Facebook" has led to umf...it was such a popular term, I felt it was my duty to write a post detailing how to do just that.

74- Weeks of weekly Q&A segment "Formsprung" I've done since I started that. That's over 800 questions! Wow. I'm one lucky SOB for having such inquisitive readers...otherwise I'd actually have to come up with something to write on Wednesdays.

1- times I've been asked what it was like to be black. My 4-part answer to the question might change my life. Trust me, you'll see.

1,442- Number of views on the statistical most popular umf post of all time, "Amsterdammit". Guess I'm not the only one pissed about Amsterdam's law changes. (What law changes? It's Amsterdam, I'm mad and swore never to go there in the post, and apparently so have many others...what do you think changed?)

16- Record number of comments on a single post, "Slut Walk". I also recieved a few very nasty e-mails about my words in the post. I never knew a bunch of filthy sluts could get so offended.

0- Number of times I've been invited back to umfJHS to make anti-bullying speeches. Was it something I said?

2- times I've seen Purple since that fateful day. Both times I fled like Wesley Snipes from the IRS...it's actually a pretty good workout.

8- number of posts celebrating the finer points of my favorite language, English...just to show I'm not all jokes and cuss words.

2- editions of personal made-up word dictionary "High Definitions" I've done so far...and I'm not done. Urban Dictionary ain't got shit on me.

38- Number of posts based on my real, actual, 3D life.

<10- The number of them I'd believe if I wasn't actually there and the main character in the stories.

59- My official number of umf followers. It's been that way for a few months, and it's really annoying to me that I can't find a 60th person to like me and my scribbles.

76- Number of *likes* on the umf Facebook fanpage. It's a start...

5- Number of "AJ's thought of the day" I put on there per week. It ain't easy.

0- Number of tweets I've twatted since declaring my hate for Twitter. #personalintegrity

19- number of my readers who have also become my (AJ's) Facebook friends...the rest of y'all are invited too.

1095- Number of days since my life was irreversably changed, thanks to y'all.

4- in evers, the amount of time I'm going to remember what this time, this site, and you guys meant in the course of my life. A lot of folk say they love their readers...but you know I wouldn't even waste time kicking that bullshit if it wasn't true. Fact.

7. Just because it wouldn't be right it this number didn't appear here somewhere. Thanks for everything, umf'ers!

Formsprung- Season 2

2011-08-10T14:43:00.001-04:00

What's good, y'all? Last week I kinda just skipped this entirely because I only had one question (you guys can still ask those, I'm only semi-retired from this and I'm coming back full-time soon) but I see a few of y'all remembered me this week, so here it is...Formsprung! Let's start with the fruits of my layoff...

how's the movie coming?
I'm actually done with the first draft of the first screenplay...I have a little focus group going, kind of testing the material in the script by letting folk read it (and I guess any of umf'ers who ask can read it too...just send me an email if you want a peek) but it'll be polished and ready to go by the end of the month. I'm actually pretty excited about it...especially since I'm already writing the next 2 or 3 movies in my head :) Thanks for asking!

Kid Cudi Yay or Nay?
Well, I haven't heard too too much of him since his first album, but I did like what I heard...it's was like a whole album of smoke-along songs. I'll give him a yay.

if you were mayor of philly, what would you do about the flash mobs?
Well, they have the right idea by fining the parents, but I don't think it goes far enough. First, we bring back the stocks. You know, that plank of wood with holes for your head and arms that was designed to make you stand in the center of a village and look stupid for a few days? That's what we do with the kids we catch doing the shit, we throw 'em in the stocks for a weekend or so, right in Center City so folk can ride by, ridicule them and maybe toss a rotten fruit or 2 in their direction. With the advent of YouTube, public embarrasment has taken on a whole new dimension. Oh, and if your kid gets picked up more than once, you get clapped up in there right with them. At least you'll be forced to spend some time with them...

have you ever been "exposed" on Facebook?
lol no hahaha...what is there to expose? Just about everything about me is either on there or over here on umf, I don't have too much to hide. What are they going to expose me as? I'm not a down-low brotha, a police informant, or a deadbeat parent...so what? "Exposing Potheads"? "Exposing Cowboys Fans"? "Exposing Camera Phone Ninjas"? I have a feeling I'll be fine...

On a scale from 1-10, how wrong was that guy in the bus shooting video for stepping on the kid?

Yeah, he did kind of trample that poor kid trying to climb on the bus driver's back...I saw that too. Under any normal circumstances, I'd say stepping on a kid is pretty fucked up to the tune of at least an 8.5, but factoring in that 2 people were standing a couple of yards away dumping semi-automatic assault rifle fire directly at his person, I can definitely see the thought process "gee, I'd better get out of the way of those bullets pretty quickly by any means necessary"...so I'll give the guy a 3. You still stepped on the rugrat, man...you should apologize.

You're attacked by a pack of teenagers in the streets of Philadelphia...what do you do?
Well, I'm a pretty big, strong guy and I would sure give it the old college dropout try, but I'm not sure I can beat 10 teenagers by myself on fair ground. However, I have a theory that if you make an example out of the first attacker, the rest will be a little less eager. I'll just grab the first in a bear hug, bite his neck like a zombie, knee him in the nuts multiple and throw him back to his friends...and THEN pull my knife. Crazy? Damn right...but would YOU fight somebody who just did that to one of your homies? Sure, it's better to talk things out...but flashholes don't do too much talking, so I can't either.

why can't males hit females to start with?

Good question. I'm not sure, myself. As movie after movie (and Saturday-morning Spanish variety shows) shows us, it's perfectly fine for them to hit us at their discretion. The standard reasoning goes that we're bigger and stronger and all that and that's why it's different...but I've always been of the opinion that if I walked up to some MMA fighter (likely bigger and stronger than me) and called him all types of names or otherwise provoked him, I stand a reasonable chance at getting my ass kicked, and he's not going to give a damn that he knows he could probably kick my ass. Be clear, I'm not advocating wife-beating here...there are few reasons for anybody to put their hands on anyone else, no matter what sex either of them are...but any reason that's good enough for one should be good enough for the other...we're equal now, right?

Thanks to everyone who asked a question this week! I appreciate y'all carrying a torch of burning questions for me in my quasi-abscence. Aight, that's about all for this week, but if you wanna get one in for next time, the blue question box is still >over there> and...I see a link in your future...

any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...

Surviving Philly- A Field Guide

2011-08-08T13:17:00.001-04:00

Philadelphia. From the Latin for "city of brotherly love" (and the American English for "shooting gallery with landmarks"). Birthplace of freedom, former capital of these United States, home of the cheesesteak (and the Eagles, but I try not to hold that against them) my current base of operations and...a very dangerous place. They used to say "if you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere, but you show me where up there one can get beaten to death outside a courthouse like in ancient Rome or some shit. My feelings on this place are...mixed, to say the least...but contrary to popular belief, a decent life can be scraped out in this city for as long as one is forced to inhabit it. Below are a few guidelines to help any new residents, as well as Philaveterans who could use some savvying up, make their homes within 10 miles of the Liberty Bell and continue to breathe at the same time...trust me on this, I've lived here a while now (and am currently living to tell the tale!).

Mind your own damn business- It may be the instinct of decent, upstanding folk to vocalize their concern for a stranger's style of dress/social graces/parenting skills. Often, these observations are both truthful and beneficial to the recipient of the advice, and should be freely dispensed to all who require it for the betterment of their own lives and the lives of their children. Well, in Perfectville anyway. We're here to discuss Philadelphia, where people set up hits on Facebook and call the goons to try and shoot up some guy who said you maybe shouldn't slap and cuss out your infant child...as well as everyone on the bus with him at the time...so maybe it's best to keep your commentary to yourself right then. If you must act, be like me and take a silent picture of them to ridicule with your friends later...it's about 87% as satisfying and nowhere near as deadly.

Huge packs of schoolkids = trouble- If you find yourself here and see a throng of 20+ rowdy 15 year olds walking toward you, they ain't going caroling. That collective of hormonally imbalanced teens just might be what they call a "flash mob" around here (even though I prefer to call them "flashholes" to differentiate them from the YouTube folk who just want to do the Thriller dance in a public area) and they exist for only one reason...to fuck shit up. People, property, police, whoever gets in their way...they've brutally attacked a few people just this month (yes, I'm aware today is August 8th) and their sheer numbers can be overwhelming. They form quickly and disperse just as fast, so follow the tsunami rule...if you see one beginning to swell, get the fuck out of there.

Avoid neighborhoods with directions attached- In the last 50 or so years, I hear they've tried to give various sections of the city cute little names like "Brewerytown" or "Queen Villiage". This is a ploy to fool somewhat dense imports into thinking they're moving into some posh, up and coming new neighborhood...if I hadn't lived here for a while, I would think the Nicetown area was an enjoyable place to live instead of some of the worst square footage in the city.

However, the old classifications of these neighborhoods were as follows: Center City, North Philly, South Philly, and West Philly (if you're wondering why there's no East Philly, it's because Jersey touched it and the city council voted that rather than pay the enormous sanitation fees, they'd just push it into the Delaware River and be done with it.) and none of the directional areas are good places at all...trust me, I live in West Philly. Philadelphians may note that there IS a SouthWest Philly as well, but as the place has 2 directions in its name, my advice applies double...avoid it twice.

Don't think the cops will help you- They're mostly just for decoration. They busy themselves with acts of public service like robbing bars in uniform after hours, selling confiscated drugs to federal agents, and blaming mysterious black men for phantom shootings to get a beat with more Dunkin' Donuts on it. They'd much rather pat down people coming off the train to see if they have a bag of weed than try putting a handle on one of the country's top 5 murder rates. In fact, unless you're the one breaking the law, you will rarely see a police officer do much else besides pull over bikes in Center City for not using the bike lane.

Consider carrying a weapon- It may be the only way to defend yourself from the various dangers the streets of Philly can present. Mace is okay...for a girl...but hard to aim (and I'm pretty sure some of these weirdos develop immunities to it). Guns are always popular and quite effective, but I personally prefer a knife...they don't jam, are legal to carry without a license, and never run out of ammo, which can be useful when fending off a pack of rabid preteens. Nothing deters an attack like the threat of leaving the encounter with more pockets than you went into it with.

Never wear Cowboys apparel- As young Blue Star Brigadier Jaime Wert found out last year, it is a justification for physical attack (in the minds of some dickheads). The only way I've discovered to negate this effect is to be a large black man that many people will think twice before wantonly fucking with based on his choice of football team.

Be very aware of your surroundings- Keep that neck on a pivot. If possible, keep it spinning 360 degrees. Watch your back, because you never know when some street crazy will get fired from a job he thought he had, board the train you're on and decide to take his bad day out on the side of your head with a claw hammer (yes, this actually happened here...well, minus the backstory, I just had to justify his batshit craziness somehow). Also, always be prepared to hit the deck at a moment's notice...no longer content with drive-bys, people have taken to standing on the sidewalk firing at public transportation. It's only a matter of time before the reverse is true and someone gets sniped from a moving train car or something. Stay aware, stay alive.

Well, hopefully you enjoyed these handy hints to living and...living in the world's most ironically nicknamed city. Other than "never date a girl named Purple", it's some of the best advice I can give on the subject. (I mean, "City of Brotherly Love"?! *Insert your joke here, I've used all mine for the day!*) For umf, I'm AJ...thank you, and good night.

PSA: Overexposure

2011-08-02T14:59:00.001-04:00

*taps mic*

Well, I've been gone from around here for a while, but I've still been plenty active on Facebook (and find this as an irresistible opportunity to ask you to *like* umf on Facebook) and noticed a little trend on Facebook, "exposing" pages. These exist for the purpose of...well, really it's just making fun of people...and while that's not the worst thing in the world for me, it's the things some folk are saying that are getting my brow all furrowed. It started out with "Exposing Deadbeat Parents" (or maybe not, do I look like a Facebook historian to you?) where people could go to air out their grievances about the irresponsible parents in their lives. I thought that was pretty funny...even had a little celebrity moment when a picture I took of a woman texting on the train with her month-old and completely unrestrained baby balanced precariously on her lap somehow ended up on the page to a chorus of outraged and hilarious comments.

Of course, it didn't stop there. Next, there was "Exposing Sluts of *insert your city here*" (who didn't have to be exposed...apparently it's something to be proud of in twentyleven) then "Exposing Frauds", "Exposing Bitter Baby Mommas", and "Exposing Duck Bitches who Think they Bad" appeared soon thereafter...and that's when a dangerous little thing called "subjectivity" creeped into the equation. As you can imagine, quite a few people were quite upset about having their pictures added to the annals of Facebook ridicule...especially those who did not deserve to be listed. (You can't tell me that at least half of the people who ended up on the pages I just mentioned were contributed by jilted exes/rejected suitors/other varieties of folk with high sodium content.) Feelings got hurt, arguments got started...generally things got way more serious than they should ever really get online.

However, the phenomenon hasn't even reached the full extent of its destructive potential. Nope, with new, even more controversial pages like "Exposing Snitches", "Exposing Down Low Brothas" (that's "gay", for those who don't speak Jet magazine) and "Exposing STD carriers", incredibly lives are now are at stake based on Facebook. (Well, I guess it wouldn't be the first time, but that's still dumber than failing summer school.) People's pictures and personas being attached to concepts like that is no laughing matter...I don't have to tell you that having the wrong people hear that you like to carry on long, informative discussions with the cops in your spare time can be hazardous to your health, true or not. Even having the wrong people get wind of your alleged case of herpes can cripple your love life. (I'm not saying somebody is automatically discounted for appearing on the STD page...but will I think twice? Three times? 4? Will I think for long enough for her to go get tested and come directly back with the results? You're damn right I will. Show me the girlfax.)

I'm just saying, people...this shit is getting way out of hand. Bad things will happen. People will be hurt. Lives and reputations can, will, and likely already have been ruined beyond repair, and that's why this needs to end sooner rather than later. It was good for a couple laughs for a few days, but it's just about run it's course. (Besides, people are running out of ideas now..."Exposing Chubby Chasers", "Exposing Double Dippers"...okay, I made that last one up, but still. I even had an idea for an "Exposing Store Bought Bitches" page where people could go and denounce, with pics, users of stuffed bras, butt-enhancing panties and other kinds of wearable lies for women...but I'll sacrifice it for the cause.) Besides...it's still Facebook...people don't need to be exposed by others...they do it themselves, one status at a time. Let's stop the madness, people.

(Of course, nobody's going to listen to liloleme...but that means I get more excuses to post...lol...)

*flips mic cavalierly into crowd, walks off*

Formsprung- Season 2

2011-07-27T15:16:00.001-04:00

What's good with y'all this Wednesday? Glad to see y'all are still tuned in now that I'm not here as much...but I promised I'd always have time for your questions, and I meant that shit...so here's "Formsprung"!

Thoughts on Amy Winehouse?
I wasn't a superfan, but I appreciated her music. I'd be lying if I said it was a total shock, but it hit me in kind of a personal place actually...really shows that somebody can be young, vibrant, and have all the talent and success in the world and still potentially be an extremely unhappy person. You could have been so much more, Amy...now you'll just be a couple of albums, a bunch of Hot Topic t-shirts and a Wikipedia entry. It's crazy...I just refuse to let that be me. (Hard) drugs are bad, kids.

what is your biggest regret in life?
Not realizing what I wanted to do in life sooner instead of wasting damn near 4 years in this manila clusterfuck, actually...

What are your top 3 movies ever?
I'm gonna do this really quickly before I start thinking about it...otherwise I'll be sitting here all day. In no real order:
1) Training Day
2) The Matrix
3) Friday

(That looks good enough for me not to go "what the fuck, I put Movie A instead of Movie B?! Oh shit, I forgot Movie C, and Movie C2: The Sequel"! later.)

ever won anything?
The last thing I won in a contest was that costume contest last Halloween (green spandex has that effect on people) the prize was a bottle of disgusting alcohol, which could still get me drunk, so I eventually forced down my throat. I'm entering a screenwriting contest next month, so I'll keep ya posted.

Gold Jewelry Yay or Nay
Not really for me...but as long as you don't walk around with a gold scorpion medallion looking like somebody's uncle at a cookout, you're good.

Do you know of a decent vapouriser..thats cheap? I wanna cut the carcinogens :)
I can dig it. "Decent vaporizer" and "cheap" don't come in the same sentence though, trust me. That's why I don't have one (yet). Wish I could have been more help...

Do to you listen 2 oldies? if so what is your fav oldie song?
Sometimes...my parents used to listen to their old people music back when I was a lad, and some of it stuck to me. I know a few Earth, Wind and Fire songs, enjoy the occasional Hall and Oates session, and even stumbled on a Billy Joel track recently. Can't forget Rick James either. I do really like the Temps though. As for my favorite track of theirs...do you even have to ask?

"It was a day in Sepetember..."

Fav Strain of "medicine"
Heh...actually, I don't get to combust much of the name brand stuff lately...most of the shit I get now comes in generic white bags reading "Economy weed, 2 week supply" in bold black letters....not that there's anything wrong with that. I do remember really liking Bubblegum Kush tho...it somehow actually smells that way.

How long could you last without your mobile phone?
24 hours...I did it once.

Did you hear Netflix is hiking their prices?
Sure did. Got the email like everybody else. I was pissed off like everybody else too and still think it's kind of a dick move to pull in a time when people have to make choices like "gas or lunch at work today"...but honestly, as of right now it's still the best thing going. To steal my boy Robbie's Facebook status from a couple weeks ago: "Unlimited access to thousands of movies and TV shows for less than the price of 2 movie tickets? What a rip-off!" I'll drop a DVD or 2 from my plan and be aight.

Wacka Flocka Flame yay or nay?
None for me, thanks...I'm not too much of a Flamer.

Your wifes hair Perm or Natural?
Hmm...as long as it looks decent, I don't get too much into a woman's hairstyle choices. Truthfully, I barely notice as long as I can get my fingers out of it when I pull it...so I say if natural works for you, go for it. However, I will say if a chick is walking around looking like that thing from the Addams Family's black cousin, that bitch needs to be slapped with a perm.

Top 5 things you wanna do b4 you die?
Well, I had a post on that a while back and it hasn't changed much...here's an excerpt:

"2) Lead a spontaneous choreographed-looking mass public dance...I don't even dance like that, but it would be cool as shit to have random folk in the streets singing some song and gettin their inner Chris Brown (good Chris...he just dances...only Dark Chris goes around gnawing on bitches and carryin on) on in the middle of the street musical-style. People in suits swinging around traffic lights, ties flowing in the wind, hoodrats pop-lockin' on the sidewalk, some dude with a sunni, a white tee and a durag could have a dance solo...seems like fun."

Have you ever been disrespected?

I'm sure everybody has...never been pulled out of a vehicle in the streets, stripped to the boxers and sent home like in "Paid in Full" or anything...but 2 incidents come to mind.

The first was just yesterday...I forgot my work computer password and called down to the tech department to have it reset. Unfortunately, the place is staffed with filthy Eagles fans , one of whom (hi, Karen!) changed my password to something hateful and Cowboyphobic, which I was forced to type so I could keep working on that TBX mov--uh, that movie. My vengeance is forthcoming. There will be blood.

The other was a couple years back when I played on a flag football team here at the office (yes, once upon a time I liked this job) and a guy on the other team took his TD celebration way too far, throwing the ball in my face. As you can imagine, I wasn't pleased...so when we took our turn on offense, I made sure the guy was on me when I went out for a pass. The next ball that came my way, I intentionally underran it. He made the pick, but I was able to dislodge the ball (and possibly a rib) by disregarding his flag and spearing the shit out of him. We forfeited the game, but I feel I won. That story still gets brought up around the office every so often haha...

!!NEW ORLEANS!! and fuck your current job, you're a writer.
Thanks, man...means a lot to hear somebody else say it...

Damn, that was a ride. This is why I'd never be who I plan to be soon without y'all...seriously, I appreciate the living hell out of it. Aight, until next time, umf'ers!

any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...

Life: Unwrap, Use, Discard

2011-07-25T14:25:00.002-04:00

If you haven't taken a look around lately, maybe you haven't noticed the world is an increasingly disposable place. Of course, there are the standard throwaway items we've all come to know and love, paper plates, plastic utensils, condoms...all designed for one convenient use and then the trash (where it can likely be recycled into some new future trash). It's not necessarily a bad thing, I know if I had to wash a plate every time I cleaned one, I'd either be about half my weight or eating Chef Boyardee ravioli from the can with my hands like on the old commercials, (it's not THAT good) but sometimes I can't help but be amazed at how much of our lives can be tossed as easily as yesterday's newspaper.

Don't get me wrong. The only time I go green is with a lighter in my hand, but it seems like all the delicious gourmet meals for the soul that life offers end up scraped into the sink like scraps before we even really taste it. It goes beyond the normal items we use and throw away without a second thought (and the 3 or 4 wrappers it came in). Even items you may not think of as disposable can be just as eligible for the garbage as a marinara-stained styrofoam bowl. Used to be a family would get a big wood-paneled set, put it on the floor of the living room, and let it do its thing for the next couple generations (it would follow the entire circle of life...babies would be conceived near it, folk would grow up in front of it, and old people would often die watching it).

Now, that TV you just bought 5 years ago? Collecting dust in a closet or basement (the trash for people who haven't admitted to themselves they're throwing something away yet) in favor of a sleek new plasma flatscreen. The car you spent 3 years making monthly payments on, putting gas into at a price of one firstborn child per gallon, and lovingly polishing on warm summer days? Now it's on its way to a used car lot to be sold by a guy in a pink and green checkered sport coat and white patent leather shoes because you just had to have this year's model. I'm not innocent...for years I treasured my G1 smartphone as a valued sidekick to my modern life. Now it sits in a suspended animation drawer in my house collecting any dust that somehow gets in there. Not only that, but as I type, some Japanese smartphone company is whipping up some electronic wonder that will make my current Galaxy S look like a fuckin' Tamagotchi. Laptops, iPods...well, iAnythings...all the top of the line til the bottom of the hour.

Our culture is a shrine to disposability...popular music, movies, TV shows, all quickly fabricated with no real quality, used on a very temporary basis, discarded, and mashed up into new trash candidates. It happens in real life too. Jobs are disposable (but only by the people that run the companies, unfortunately). Social networking has made friends as disposable as clicking "unfriend". Love and relationships are all but passe...nobody does that any more, even romance often boils down to single use only (the kids that come out of them are often treated as disposable too). Even marriage, something once thought of as bonding and permanent, has around a 50% trashing rate nowadays, usually for reasons like "he takes all the covers" or "she won't retweet my jokes".

We often are so wrapped up in what happens next, what the new one could do, and when, why, and how we're gonna get the latest and greatest on the block...until the next one comes, anyway. " One thing that hasn't changed in all this time is that the quality things are still worth the maintenance they require...true friends, self-respect, a good woman, family (that deserve to be called that), cherished memories...all need to be meticulously cared for to keep on working. However, the fact is ending is better than mending in most cases, and a lot of things just ain't worth the effort. The whole thing can leave you really wondering what SHOULDN'T be thrown away after one use...I guess the only real answer is "whatever's not in the trash yet"...

My Ambitions as a Writer

2011-07-21T14:53:00.002-04:00

I got something to say...it's kinda hard to find the words for...so I'll steal Tupac's.

I won't deny it, I'm a great writer

Can't nobody do it like me

Spit truth, add humor to it like me

but a lot of people think I'm crazy

I won't deny it, I'm a great writer

at least when I'm high on weed

I love umf'ers and all but...

I gotta get started on my real career

My ambitions as a writer!

So much material to write, if my writing will go far

This life as a file clerk is bullshit, I gotta start

sharing my rough and rugged style, and profiting from it

my posts often say "Fuck it", and motherfuckers love it

To reap all the fruits, you got to plant on your knees

the shit ain't complicated, I'll go far as I take me

and my ambition's as a writer to make it

Life's a bitch, I'm tryna hit, and if she wont give then I'll take it

Doing this is fun, sharing thoughts on a daily tho

I gotta step up my life, cuz I seem to be always broke

I recently discovered I had talents unusual

People love it when I scribble and the feeling is mutual

But I'm sick of working here, time for somebody to pay up

I got no time for this job, I gotta write and get my weight up

I'm on a moving up mission, want a bil', so I'm trying

to get the fuck up out of here, blow up, take off and start flying (peace out!)

Ima write tho, make y'all laugh, it's mandatory

I'm not shutting this down, don't get the shit distorted

but I'll have to post less, please bear with me in the meantime

I'll miss a couple posts, but I'll make it up in screen time

That's right, got a couple big plans in machination

Funny how seeing your purpose can lead to maturation

This might come out of nowhere and seem a tad ambitious

but I'm ready to break out and put my back and pen into it

don't waste your time with doubt, cuz I swear I'll fuckin' do it!

I really apologize for inconvenience this may cause

Can't write every day, I'm trying to grip the world's balls

I love spending every day at work beside ya

but check it, listen, pay attention

I got ambitions as a writer.

(I won't deny it, I'ma great writer)

Peep it.. it's now my only wish to rise

above these bitch-ass co-workers I despise

It's time to ride, I'll be the first to fly, give me the time

I'm ready to blow outta here tonight, not see them again in life

Hard to sustain them in this place, but dreams are tough to kill

They've been trying for years, but cannot break my will

They said I need to conform to come up, succeed

I'd rather die before I do it cuz my mind is free

Fuck being in here, so I gotta sacrifice

Just a little of the window into my life

They won't get a chance to get me like they got the 10 year vets

Been a rebel all my life, why stop thinking for myself?

Been writing for life, feels right, why not get paid for that?

Got skills but not recognition, so my shit's off track

Might not have time every day, but trust, I need it man

Shit, I can get a show if Carlos Mencia can

if I can start on the path to live life my way

I can maybe justify not doing "You, Me, and Friday"

Fuck this job and the police, I got ambitions as a writer.

My posts are controversial so how come they ignore me?

Still on the block, I know there's something better for me

been hesitant to accept, my future's bright, now seeing it

it's a lot of fun to write, I hope it's as much being it

had stand-up kind of dreams, hopes of getting elected

I hope wherever I land, it's everything I expected

They wrote me off when I dropped out, so I formed new powers

to write away my day at work and waste mad hours

That's when they told me that I could

had motivators on my side, so I know I'm good

Got a few laughs, developed a few skills

and a coupls years later, now I'm trying to pay the bills

Kill em with jokes that's legendary, a facetious mercenary

I'll make 'em die laughing, have these motherfuckers buried

get many comments on my posts, umf'ers say I kill it

Knowing when they see my book or my movie they gon' feel it

Witness the realest, an authentic aspiration

Gimme couple years, I'll be known across the nation

One day kinda soon, I'll look back on how I did it

for myself, my fam and friends

and all those that was down with it

the fittedwearer will always be right beside ya

hope you get it, my time's now splitted

...I got ambitions as a writer.

Formsprung- Season 2

2011-07-20T14:18:00.000-04:00

What's good, y'all! I know I've been gone for a minute, but I had to come back to answer for my absence...21 times, in fact. Here's "Formsprung"!

wats your fav android apps?

Quick 5:

Catch Notes: writes down all the ideas I have on a daily...without it, remembering all the thing I plan to write down eventually would be like trying to catch those little flakes and shit that fly around in the sunlight in your house.

Qik- Video calls...I don't have to tell you what that's good for (but will anyway)

Online Sports- Finds feeds online of sporting events and lets me stream them on my phone

JoinTogether: the world's finest 3D marijuana encyclopedia

ChompSMS: lets me make my texts all pretty and blue.

Socks with sandals yay or nay?
Don't do that, bruh...

your girl hits you...do you strike back?
My mommy always told me never to hit a girl...first. Best believe if she hits me like she wants equal rights, she'll get 'em, fast.

Wat do you normally eat 4 breakfast?
Nothing lol...seems like I manage to wake up late every day (but I do find time for a medicine break without fail). On weekends, I usually just eat whatever's left over from last night...I don't let society tell me what foods to eat at what times lol

If we have a draft soon, what job would you want in the military?
Oh, we're having a draft? That sounds like--hey, look, a distraction!

*runs to Canada*

Skinny Jeans Yay or Nay
We're talking about for boys, right? Nay. Hell nay. Fucketh nay. I even wrote something like that a while ago...

Best Pizza?
I haven't really had enough to answer that question...all we have here are the local shops, and I don't want to get a mail bomb from some nut in Chicago. Of the big few chains, I definitely prefer Domino's with Pizza Hut a close second.

Do you have a best friend?
Damn right!

Clubbin with a crew or solo dolo?
I don't even go like that myself but...people go to the club alone? Damn, for all that I might as well stay home, get drunk and play with Facebook...I have about as much of a shot at getting some, and it's a bit less expensive.

What's the perfect beer?

The one in front of me!

Do you go to the movies alot?
Not really...I would more if tickets weren't 15 bucks apiece. Times is hard, and bootlegs are easy.

How was your senior prom?
I don't know...you'll have to ask the people that went. I took the money my parents would have spent on it and had a very fun summer after senior year...even had a couple dollars left over for college (which I immediately spent on weed).

Are you an investment junkie?
Ha! Right now I'm way too broke to buy things that don't make my life go on a day to day basis...but if I ever come up a little, I damn sure will be.

Would you approach a celeb on the street?
Depends highly on who it was. I'm not really one of those people who gets all effervescent whenever some star of a canceled reality TV show comes around, and I worked at the airport for a while and saw plenty come through and only approached one (Troy Aikman!) but if there was somebody I really admired (likely another Cowboy), sure why not?

Have you ever been depressed?
Every time I run out of weed...but if you're talking about the wrist-cutty kind, no not really...

Wat is the worst feeling in the world 2 you?
Failure. Nothing worse than your best efforts just not being enough. Being kicked in the nuts kinda hurts too.

Spike Lee Or Tyler Perry?
Come on man...you're putting "Do the Right Thing" up against "Madea does Something?" "Malcolm X" against "Why Did I Get Married (to Janet Jackson and let her kill my infant son and eventually me)?" One dressed up as Michael Jordan's sidekick, the other as an old overweight black woman...you tell me who wins.

Do you like taking pictures?
Not as much as some people, I "only" have like 20 pics of myself on Facebook...but I'm always up for a good photo op (and no, "3:30pm daily" or "changed my shirt" are not good photo ops).

Would you rather be on house arrest for a year or in jail 4 5 months?
Definitely house arrest...just the concept of being locked away with other dudes for an extended period of time does not appeal to me. Plus, the food's way better on house arrest...man cannot live on fruit cocktail alone, ya know?

Wats yo fav meal yo momma used to make?

See, that's a hard question to answer. For the first 21+ years of my life, I couldn't cook anything beyond Hot Pockets, so anything that ended up hot and in front of me was a culinary miracle beyond compare. Now that I can, I realize there's nothing really special about spaghetti or barbeque chicken, other than that she made it and I didn't have to. That's um...not to say her cooking wasn't good. Hi mommy! (In case you ever read this...and you can stop reading now.)

Where have you been for the past 4 days?

Sorry bout that. As you've probably guessed, I've been kinda busy the past few...

1) Still trying to escape this pointless suck hole of a job for my eventual career in writing one query letter at a time.

2) Writing 2 movies.

3) Moonlighting as an emergency Phillies relief pitcher in their warmer games.

4) Being pregnant by proxy.

I only made one of those up....wow, I really do tell y'all everything, don't I?

Aight, well that's our 21 for this week. I've got a screenplay to format, so I'm out...if you wanna get one in for nrxt week, you know what to do.

any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...

Famous Last Words

2011-07-15T14:21:00.001-04:00

As "1000 Ways to Die" reminds us every episode, there are a lot of ways to end up dead...disease, injury, Purple...even heavy exposure to life over too long a period can cause death. However, just as varied as the manners in which people die are their last words...those who know their death is imminent often speak of friends, loved ones, and life experiences, maybe a lifelong secret whispered to someone close ("I cheated on you..." *croak*).

More interesting are the last words of those who don't necessarily know their number is up yet. These tend to follow patterns, and the trained person can even predict when death is likely to result based on the context of a statement. That's right, if you just listen out for the following phrases in certain situations, you will know that somebody is likely going to die (or at the very least, get seriously fucked up).Watch closely...

"Hey, watch this!"- The classic calling card of impending doom. Usually shouted by some rocket scientist who has decided to surf on a mattress atop a speeding car, plank on a 7th story balcony railing, or lean way too far over a guardrail at a baseball game trying to catch a foul ball (made none of those up...actual humans were naturally deselected in those ways). When somebody says this, they are likely to do something conspicuously and often fatally stupid, often for the benefit of YouTube. As acts like this tend to fall into the "danger to myself AND everyone around me" category, when you hear "hey, watch this!" and turn to see your friend playing hacky-sack with a quarter stick of dynamite , do at least one of you a favor and get out of the blast radius (I say "at least one" because if nobody's watching, he may stop).

Related statements: "Get this on tape!", "Wanna see something cool?", "Dude, this is gonna be epic!"

"What's the worst that could happen"- is literally asking for something to happen. Why people choose to insult Murphy and his law at every available opportunity is a mystery, but the asker of the question usually finds out for a fact.
Related statements: "Nothing could go wrong."

"What's that? Let's go check it out..."- The unknown can be dangerous, and this phrase pretty much ensures that it will be. The "white people in scary movies" theory dictates for every time this sentence is uttered, one person loses their life. The theory goes beyond film, however...it's often the very last thing the overly curious are able to say as that rustling sound over there in the bushes turns out to be a sleeping jaguar or that beeping sound turns out to be a bomb. It's also a favorite of tornado chasers, who risk (and often lose) life and limb trying to catch footage of swirling dirty wind and flying death shrapnel.

Related statements: "Let's go look over there in the sketchy alley!", "I wonder what's in those dark woods?", "Where's that noise coming from?"

"One more!"- whether said during a night taking shots, while running some stupid and dangerous contest which you were lucky to survive the first time, while trying to see just how many straws will break a camel's back while inspecting the process from beneath the animal, or mid-stroke during sex, sometimes one more is all it takes to really fuck your world up.

Related statements: "Another round!", "Who's got winners in the flaming sword fight on stilts?"

"Aww, look at the cute little--AAAAHHH!!!"- Many unsuspecting animal lovers meet their end after uttering this phrase. You see, some people have no concept that wild animals can actually be real animals in the wild, and doesn't care how cute you think it is if it thinks your face is tasty. Some people even go out of their way to get fucked up by animals, keeping exotic beasts such as apes and tigers in their own homes or tempting fate by pestering crocodiles for years at a time until they hire a stingray hitman to take you out.

Related statements: "It's sleeping, let's go pet it!", "Oh, I'm sure it's harmless..."

"Do it then!"- A direct challenge to a presented verbal threat, it's often engraved on the headstones of the fatally bold. Unfortunately for this type of person, sometimes when you call someone's bluff, it answers the phone.

Related statements: "You wouldn't.", "You don't have the balls...", "You ain't gonna do shit..."

"...and now I'm going to tell everybody!"- Shouted defiantly after the unintended discovery of some grand and likely evil scheme, it's usually a perfectly acceptable course of action, but not the best thing to declare your intentions to do in front of those you plan to expose. You know what kind of men they say tell no tales (and also, as a side note, will notice there is no mention of being able to shut a woman up in any condition).

Related statements: "You won't get away with this!", "I'm going to expose what's going on here!"

The sound of an orgasm- Usually regarded as the harbinger of ultimate pleasure, in the wrong scenario it's as good as funeral bells. Getting walked in on by a jealous husband? Unknowingly slipping into a woman with pussy plague? Getting some crazy chick who you will likely get into a knife fight with at some point pregnant? All valid tickets on the express train to hell...whether you die or not.

Related statements: "I love you", "Hello" (to the wrong woman)

Hopefully you enjoyed and learned from this list of famous last words...and remember, if you ever find yourself about to speak one of the phrases listed...REALLY reconsider what you're about to do. Happy Friday, umf!

Formsprung- Season 2

2011-07-13T15:04:00.000-04:00

What's good with y'all this Wednesday? We got a lot of questions this week...44, in fact...so new rule, the maximum question per week limit is now 21 (why 21? It's my site, that's why). I'll definitely get around to an answer for every last question that finds its way into my inbox (I promise), but for right now...here ya go!

Did you see where another guy got his dick cut off? There has to be a law against this!
Yeah, I saw...ouch. Put that shit in the garbage disposal too. Short of developing cyborg technology and making that dude a RoboCock, that ain't coming back. I know marriages can get a little rocky, but making your husband into a Ken doll is never the answer.

That's why when I become President, any woman who removes a man's equipment without justification (and trust me, it would have to be one HELL of a justification) would have both pairs of lips sutured shut permanently, then simply left to live their life. I think that's fair.

How would you change education in America?
It has to be more about actually teaching and bringing out the strengths of the individual kids instead of just filling out some pointless bullshit worksheet...that doesn't teach anything but how to fill out pointless bullshit worksheets. We need to realize that some children must get left behind. Also, the only mandatory part about school would be the things people actually need to learn (reading, writing, arithmetic, the fact that neither of the last 2 words begin with "R") ...the rest is optional. Oh, and parents would be required to spend at least an hour a day teaching their kids about life, under penalty of death.

Are you a jersey shore fan?
lol no, not at all...I saw when the little orange snowman girl got punched clear off a barstool and halfway across the dance floor by some dude, but other than that I can't say I've watched a single episode. I'm really okay on those...interesting examples of humanity.

!!!!!NEW ORLEANS!!!!!
Gotta love a loyal reader...

OVER/UNDER 2 Lebron championships
Pardon the indecision, but push. 2 sounds about right...he's got maybe 5 elite years left, and I think he'll get better at clutch situations with time (he damn sure can't get worse) but the problem is other superteams are forming at the same time...oh, and he would have to get past the Lakeshow (or whatever other WC team comes up) for a title. So 2...and if you put a gun to my head to go one way or another, 1.

Do you smile in pictures or mean mug?
Either, depepnding on the context of the pic...but since this is my current FB pic:

I'll go with "mug". (Hmm, wonder what this profile picture says about me?)

Weed Rap Yay or Nay
Hey...I like weed, I like rap...what's not to like?

Do you DAP white guys off or give them a handshake?
haha...that's an interesting question...I never really thought about it. Honestly, I go for the handshake unless they're coming with something else (as long as they have the required cool points to use a pound, dap, fist bump or other hand greeting...if not, you WILL get left hanging).

How many times you brush ya teeth a day?
Once...but I usually rinse my mouth out with plenty of alcohol during the course of a day, so it's fine.

Lose your hearing or eyesight?
Hearing, definitely...do you have any idea how many people would be better seen and not heard?

Why don't you vlog?
Occasionally, I do...I would do it more, but:

1) I don't have a decent webcam...

2) or a laptop, for that matter.

3) I'm usually at work when I do this...I can get away with typing and shit, but sitting at my desk talking to "myself" will raise a few eyebrows.

You know what, I might do a few more though...

Do you check WSHH or mto?
I don't have to, my co-workers check them for me and send me all the good stuff lol

Bracelets on Guys Yay or Nay?
Well...

Are you a good trash talker?
You're asking ME?! I talk more shit than a gastroenterologist on a daily basis here, and you want to know if I do the same all the time? Where do you think I practice lol...know what, add me on Facebook and find out.

planking yay or nay?
I...just don't get it. Is it fun? Is it exercise? What? What the fuck is the point? I did think it was hilarious when I heard that that one genius tried to plank on his 7th story balcony railing and ended up as wood chips on the ground...Charles Darwin would have chuckled.

How much do you think the government watches you?
Have you seen the number of cameras in the average American city? Outside stores, on street lights, on all public transportation, in police cars, in people's hands...so, likely whenever you're not in your own home...and maybe even then. Whatever...hope they enjoy the show.

First job?
My first job was back in junior year, when I worked concerts, games and other events at the Liacouras Center as a...um...what exactly did I do? Well, I worked there. Actually, I was a little tight on money a while back and went back there for a concert recently...I didn't get to see the concert (and don't know if I actually would have wanted to) but did see 2 separate fights featuring the same 2 girls, countless specimens for my hoodrat studies, the longest (yes, longest) titties I have ever seen in my life, AND got a free lighter out of the deal! Yes, there is a post about it.

Ever been frisked by the police?
lol...like once a week...we have a thing called "stop and frisk" here, which allows cops to stop any "suspicious" folk and run a light search of their person. I could have sworn those old guys with the high socks and the powdered wigs wrote something about that not being cool (in this very city, actually), but local law enforcement figured fuck it, I guess...

Smash 1, marry 1, kill 1, Kim Kardashian, Amber Rose, Meagan Good
lol...aight, why not.

"Kill" is easy...Kimmy K gets voted off this mortal coil for a egregiously bad fame to merit ratio. "Marry"...hmm...Amber Rose has my sister's first name, so it's definitely not something I'd want to utter in romantic contexts for the rest of my life (a few minutes would be okay though, so she'll get the "Smash" sash), so I guess that's Meagan Good by default...plus she was in "Friday", so she gets bonus points for that. Yeah, I'm going Amber Rose, Meagan Good, Kim Kardashian, in that order.

Have any gay friends?
Possibly, but not on purpose...seeking out people to be friends with just because they're gay is heterophobic.

everybody has an american express list, things you never leave home without. what's yours?

I'll do you one better...

(from L to R: phone *represented by case, something had to take the pic*. wallet *moths flying out not pictured*, ChapStick, keys, fitted *color and logo may vary*, extra battery for phone, battery charger, pick)

You might notice and be surprised that there is no lighter...well it seems I never leave home without losing one of those, so it's only appropriate.

Well, that's about all we have time for this week! If you wanna be part of the fun for next week (or part of the leftover fun from this one), all you gotta do is...well, y'all seem to have figured that out, but here's a link anyway.

any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...

Formsprung- Season 2

2011-07-13T15:02:00.000-04:00

everybody has an american express list, things you never leave home without. what's yours?

I'll do you one better...

You might notice and be surprised that there is no lighter...well it seems I never leave home without losing one of those, so it's only appropriate.

any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...

Training Day

2011-07-12T14:35:00.001-04:00

It was last week sometime (I don't know the exact day, for someone like me, that was months ago) when I did my bi-weekly check of my office email inbox. Among the usual job-related (and therefore completely uninteresting) mass emails, notifications of lost and found things in the building, (which only cover physical items able to be purchased at a store, unfortunately...just once, I want to open an email that says "FOUND: common sense, please claim as soon as possible, claims by multiple people encouraged/one of my co-workers' noses in my boss's ass/my childhood" or "LOST: 1 smug supervisory attitude, was a family heirloom, has sentimental value/a life's worth of hopes and dreams after working in this soul crushing suck pit for 15 years"...I know those things happen all the time, I would just like to see it documented) YouTube video links, and offers to sell unwanted Phillies tickets or pay someone to take unwanted Sixers tickets, there was an email addressed specifically to me from Upstairs. These kind of emails usually mean trouble, and so I opened it expecting the worst.

I just about got what I expected. The email informed me that, after 3 years of service...well, showing up...that I had been selected for "staff training". In case you've never had a job, (you lucky and likely very rich or good-looking so-and-so) staff training is a pretty universal process where new hires to a company are forced to sit down, get a mandatory history lesson about a place that they really want to know nothing about that they're not getting paid to know, and have their job duties explained to them in a manner far more time-consuming and often insulting to the intelligence than necessary. (Did I mention I have been here for 3+ years? If I don't have a pretty firm handle on my job by now, I either need to be fired because I suck at life or promoted because I'm the greatest job delegation specialist of my time.)

At first, I was all for it. I had a few jobs before, so I knew generally what to expect as far as training...an hour or 2 away from working, a poorly acted and laughable video, maybe filling out a questionnaire or 2...but what I didn't know was that this complicated, dangerous and almost unimaginably technical job putting files in numerical order and pushing a cart around required very thorough training. 2 full days of training. Wait, full+...it would have required me to stay half an hour (or 45-50 minutes, depending who you ask) past my let-out time, all to be trained in the dark and mystical arts of clerical work. No talking, no phones(!), no sleeping, and damn sure no umf. These mandates became a bit of a problem for me.

I began to evaluate the potential effectiveness of the program through a series of self-addressed questions. Would I be paid to complete this training? No, not any more than I would if I simply showed up and did the same thing I've been doing for the past 3 years. Would my corporate advancement be hindered by a failure to attend? Very likely...but then again, if I advance here, this becomes a career, and if this becomes a career, I'll get a strong urge to wait for the subway train while standing on the tracks...so I'd just have to miss out on all the raises that nobody is getting anyway. Would I learn anything by attending this training? Yes, but they would all be things that people I work with would be justified in asking me about later, thereby increasing my responsibility and not my paycheck. (Currently I'm like one of those magic 8-balls except all my answers are "I don't know" and "that is not certain" and "go Google it, bitch".) Not to mention I really don't plan on being here long enough to use any new, nifty job skills I may learn during that 16 hour chunk out of my life. At that point, after considering all the possible variables and permutations of the decision. I decided "fuck that."

I was not wasting all day learning useless bullshit I would likely never see again...I spent 12 years doing that when it was required by law. I came in today after a long weekend, determined not to go down there without some kicking and screaming. Plan A was to simply pop up at my desk and start working like I never heard anything about it...but then I found out that another email had went out yesterday to make sure I was reminded of my duty to train after my day off, so that was scrapped. Plan B was to insist that I didn't need to go...but I was told that everyone else had to go too (and had to stop myself from asking a hypothetical question involving everyone else leaping from a bridge for fear of the answer).

That's when I saw my rather imposing-looking workload...I had never been so happy to see so many files. I had no idea that much happiness could fit into a manila folder. I happily informed some higher-ups that workplace efficiency would suffer to a grave degree if I were to be removed from my job duties for any length of time (they didn't need to know I could have it done by lunchtime...and here I am). One look at the Leaning Tower of Probation Files accumulated by my desk was all the convincing they needed to release me into my normal job duties. I might not have attended the training program (and have no plans to...somehow I believe I'm gonna be swamped for a while) but it should be quite evident by now that I've managed to get the best on-the-job lesson of all: that appearing useful is of far greater importance than actually being useful.

Farewell, welfare!

2011-07-07T13:26:00.001-04:00

...is what you can say if you're on welfare in Florida and fail a drug test. One of the hot-button issues going around halls of conversation everywhere (no, not She Who Will Not be Jailed...we discussed that bitch yesterday, we're off that now) is the drug testing of people recieving government assistance. Laws mandating this have been debated for a long time, but just recently passed in Florida, which is likely the first of many states to enact such a policy. Of course, on the surface it's a noble intent...if you have money to buy drugs, you have money to feed your family and therefore don't need the government's. That's fair to say...after all, people shouldn't be using taxpayer dollars to fund their substance habits (and I can say that without hypocrisy, as I haven't collected an unemployment check in 3 years).

However, let's dig under the surface a bit. Welfare recipients usually have kids, right? Now let's say Mommy doesn't have a job, likes to smoke weed and isn't smart enough to somehow obfuscate this fact from the authorities. As a result, she fails a drug test and loses her assistance. Now, of course, she's wrong for taking government money and buying anything besides food, clothes, and utilities for her household and she herself honestly doesn't deserve it because she should get her lazy ass up and find a restaurant that needs a waitress, a head of hair that needs braiding, some babies that need sitting or a lonely old man who needs a special friend. But she's not the only person involved, is she? What about her children, who haven't done anything besides be born to a mother with fucked up priorities and now have no food on the table? Do they deserve to be punished along with her?

Of course, I used marijuana for an example (even though it's just a plant, as I say so often) ...and that's mostly because the ganja is the only thing such screenings catch unless you've pretty much literally got your crack pipe in the room with you. You see, most of the harder stuff (heroin, speed, coke, crack, pills, all that) is out of your body in less than 48 hours...cannabis can take up to a month to completely leave your system. That means our stoner mommy from last paragraph will lose her benefits, but over in different families, Meth Fiend Daddy and Coked-Up Auntie will get to keep right on snorting and shooting away on our dime...and keep their kids. What about the guy who has a cigarette with every thought but not a job in the world or the woman who, every morning, brushes her teeth with a bottle of Jack...and then drinks it? Aren't they hurting their families too? There has to be a better way to...um...weed these kind of people out.

Okay...so we take the kids away from their bad parent/guardian. That's fine...but then who takes care of the kids? They don't just open the door and let them out in the streets like unruly pets, do they? Oh wait...that's us again, isn't it? Orphanages, Child Protective Services, childcare stipends for foster parents, all sure to go up...and you bet your ass you pay for that. Add in the cost of these screening programs (yeah, most people don't handle cups of warm piss for free) and how much money do these measures really save? I don't know, maybe it's just me...I can get behind the spirit of laws like this, illegal drugs are not on the taxpayer's shopping list, I dig that...it's just the implementation that kind of confuses me (well...that and the fact that plants can be illegal). Whose welfare does this protect again?

Formsprung- Season 2

2011-07-06T15:05:00.000-04:00

What it is, y'all? In case you're not with the program, this right here is "Formsprung", the top-rated weekly reader question and answer segment...that I know of (and please don't correct me, let me have this). All week umf'ers have been contributing anonymous questions (which I thank y'all so much for), and I'm now going to answer them to the best of my ability...or just say something I think is funny. I don't know yet. Whatever, let's get this started.

How was your July 4th?
Actually, I didn't really do much...I came back from vacation late that day and used that time to dread going to work the next day. I didn't go see any fireworks either, but I downloaded a moving "fireworks" screensaver on my phone for the day and that was good enough for me.

Did you see the "White Oj" was found not guilty?
Heh...is that what they're calling that woman now? I could see that. Yeah, I did...hey, in the eyes of the law, it couldn't be proven that she was gulity of all the charges...so legally, they made the right call with the shaky direct evidence available. Of course, common sense would tell you that people don't generally get inked and go shake their ass to Ke$ha a week after their child dies, but what do common sense and the law have to do with each other? Doesn't hold up in court, unfortunately...

It's okay though, I have serious doubts about her ability to lead a normal life from here on out...Facebook exploded like Bin Laden died again when the verdict was announced, and if that's any indication of how she'll be treated by pretty much everyone, she won't be living that down anytime soon. Ever seen "The Scarlet Letter"? That chick is marked...you don't have to necessarily die to lose your life, and I have a strong feeling that she and what she deserves will meet each other.

(By the way, you see how we didn't even use a name and we all know what we're talking about? That's serious hate buzz...that shit is permanent. The bitch is like Voldemort now...)

New Orleans!!!!!!!!!!!!

What, no ALLCAPS this week? lol...

Ever been 2 jail?
Oh, na...not for me. That's for the birds (and it makes sense in that context, as it is a building filled with cages often lined with newspaper). I don't plan on going, either. One of the few benefits of my day job is I get to see how the criminal justice system works on a very personal level, and I want NO parts of it. Fuck that.

Are you a porn aficionado? Fav Star?
heh...not really...I prefer the company of 3D females and that's a very thin subsititute. However, I will say that chick Pinky has some serious skills...she could suck the air out of a bowling ball.

Cigarettes Yay or Nay?
I'm kind of a special case...sober, I could go the rest of my life without one (theoretically...not like we'll ever know) ...but let me start drinking or blaze one up, and I'm down...well, up, actually...it's an awesome high-booster...still can't smoke over like 5 a day though, I'll never know how pack-a-day smokers do it. So to answer your question, neither yay nor nay...but with a J.

when do you get time to write all that here (at work)? You usually look busy!
...and what do you think I'm busy doing?

Do you tumblr?
I don't...never really saw the point. Then again, you're talking to one of the 3 Americans under 25 with internet access who still doesn't use Twitter (and won't) so...

How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Dammit, I meant to count before I left this morning and didn't...I wear somewhere between 40 and 60 pairs of sneakers in just about every color imaginable because I have many hats and they deserve partners...see?

I'm even kind enough not to tag my Facebook friends in pics of them for no reason.

AJ........ Do you love these hoes?
No, sir...I do not. I know those that do love hoes, sluts, skanks and scallywags (especially sluts), but me? Na, I don't love these hoes. Those hoes either.

Do you dance?
Not sober...I'll hit a 2-step in the bar/club and maybe a little TD dance when things really go my way in life, but you won't catch me cranking that anything. I'm too big for all that...I start spinning on my head and somebody's gonna get kicked in the face.

What you think about solitary confinement?
On the surface, putting somebody in time-out all alone so they can think about what they've done is a long-standing tradition, but I actually was watching a National Geographic special about it not too long ago...supposedly it drives people the fuck crazy (or gives them time to increase their existing crazy rating). As a method of separating those who don't deserve to be in the presence of others, it works...as a method of rehabilitation (the entire point of jail, in theory) not so much.

Boobs or Ass?
I'll take what's behind door #1, please...

Threesome with any 2 WOMEN, who you picking?

Se Ri Pak and Annika Sorenstrom...I think they'd be great golf partners, especially since I've never really played and might need some coaching.

How was your high school graduation?

I'll be honest, I almost didn't go. A lot of common ceremonies hold no interest for me. I figured, fuck it, I'm done, I don't want to go back and deal with these assholes any more.

Of course, my parents, who had been through 12 long years of less than stellar grades, suspensions for lateness and "insubordination" (when the fuck did I agree to be subordinate?), and other stupid shit, insisted (mandated) that I go, so they could take pics of me in a weird ceremonial dress or something. I showed them though...wore my tassel on one of my Cowboys hats. School staff complained, but what the fuck were they gonna do, fail me? In the end, I'm glad I went...especially since I got to flip off an unliked teacher from the stage consequence-free...

That was interesting as always...thanks for all your questions this week! How I've been doing this Q and A for 68 weeks and damn near 800 questions lightly boggles my mind, but it's always fun and as long as y'all got questions, I got answers. Aight, if you want to throw something at me for next week, it's easy...look for the question box >over there> or if you just prefer links:

any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...

Staycation: All I ever wanted...

2011-07-05T14:53:00.001-04:00

As you may have noticed, I didn't post anything here (or on the umf fanpage...had an announcement about it there today which I won't repeat here because everybody who really cares *like*s umf on Facebook) Friday. I had all intentions on it...in fact, I had the post from earlier today all typed up and ready to go. That's when my laptop cut off...and of course, I didn't save a damn thing. I got a little upset, and as the hammer struck the pulverized casing of what once was a laptop for the 17th time, I suddenly realized I needed a vacation...from everything (so if you called/texted/commented/whatever'd me this weekend, there's your explanation for my disappearance from the face and Facebook of the earth).

Of course, I'm broke (and likely will be until somebody finds me funny enough to start consistently paying me for it) so I couldn't exactly hop on my private jet and traipse off to the Bahamas for a weekend, but luckily I was invited to an extended hotel party in Somewhere Else, PA for the 4th...I figured that was close enough. I decided to make that my vacation. After vowing to myself to stay off my phone and the internet until Monday (something I only cheated at a little but did a decent job doing for a guy whose right hand should be part Android by now) I set off for my low-budget escape. It sounds cliche, but I came back with a new perspective...here are just a few of the things I learned during my staycation.

-When I'm really actively having fun, I have no desire to tell Facebook about it in the moment. Maybe afterwards, maybe never (some things are better left untyped...there, anyway) but I never stop what I'm doing, remark to myself what fun I'm having, pick up the nearest internet-capable device, and give 140 of my best friends a play-by-play. This lends credence to my theory that most people who do so aren't having as much fun as they say...or are just trying to sound cool on Facebook (and are, by definition, failing).

-One can go into a Target having forgotten his toothbrush and come out with that, a 7-pack of ankle socks, and a Super Soaker (and almost a pair of Captain America boxers, if they had them in my size).

- Always screw your weed closed tightly. Somehow, I discovered early Saturday morning that I hadn't followed my future advice and as a result, had my prized crops integrated with the hotel carpet. Yes, I did try to recover it (and discovered the quality of the room vacuuming was top-notch, as a side note) and got less than a quarter of it back. I fought back tears at the moment, but was soon okay.

-Corned beef hash tastes like shit. I found this out through a 3rd party (hi Randi!) but was glad I did not have to learn this with my own mouth.

-Watching "Cops" and "Cheaters" for hours at a time is a little more fun away from home.

-Hotel pillows are very comfortable...and they don't really care if you take them (as far as I know).

-"Fuck it, I'm on vacation" is a pass for damn near everything. Fuck it, I'm on vacation. Hoarding most of the bacon from the breakfast buffet one day and using it in various sandwiches and other preparations the entire weekend? Fuck it, I'm on vacation. A Bloody Mary garnished with a slice of said bacon (so it qualifies as part of a balanced breakfast) at 9am? Floating around in the pool on a giant inflatable donut with a cup full of every available liquor and mixer thrown together into a watermelon Southern Parrot Comfort Bay 100-proof Smirnoff Limon martini-garita in the middle of the day? Fuck it, I'm on vacation. Shooting small children in the face with a Super Soaker? Fuck it, I'm on vacation (it's fine, they liked it). Running around wearing nothing but an elaborate towel cape and Dallas Cowboys board shorts for large chunks of the weekend (and allowing a picture of it to be taken?) You get the point.

-You don't have to leave the country to have a great vacation. You don't even have to leave your state...just your state of mind.

I feel like a new man...lol...

Back to School- The End (or the High School Reunion Song)

2011-07-05T12:29:00.001-04:00

Anybody who's graduated or listened to the radio in the back half of the 90s has heard that Vitamin C song. (If you can't tell which of the worldwide smash hits during her long and notable career I'm talking about, it's "Graduation".) Although my high school experience was likely a bit different from hers, they played her song at my own high school graduation and it always made me think, but I never quite knew why. Now I do...the song, while a nice look at what "taking the next step in one's life" SHOULD be, bears little resistance to the reality I've encountered in my 6-ish years out of high school. So, I decided to write a more realistic version of the song...hopefully I get lucky and it gets played at every high school reunion ever in the future of mankind much like the original is now the inseparable anthem of graduations everywhere...so here it is, "After Graduation (Friends on Facebook)":

And so we went through school thinking this was our lives

it was 12 long years, but somehow we survived

spent the last 4 in some pointless classes

now daycare for teens put us out on our asses

No Child Left Behind doesn't fly as adults

if you just failed to launch, there's no catapult

been so long since we walked down that aisle

a few stopped right there, but others went miles

the paths our lives have taken never cease to amaze me

some of us went as planned, others just went crazy

and if you got something to get off your chest

better do it now, who knows when we'll meet next

and I always flash back to that day in June

we said we couldn't wait, but it came too soon

well, a bit too soon for some of us at least

it's sad when high school is when your life peaks...

ain't that about a bitch?

As we go on

we can't forget

most of high school

was pure bullshit

and as our lives changed

different paths we took

but we can still be

friends on Facebook...

They said we had potential, could go past the block

but not all of us got to be astronauts...

Admit you thought that things would never change

but now what's a surprise is how little stayed the same

some got jobs, some of us did bids

and some of us just used all the time to have kids

can't help but find it ironic where our lives are at

the star baller slings fries and wears a paper hat
some high school things fade and they get gone soon

The prom queen now goes "moo" and jumps over the moon

she was a stuck up bitch, how now brown cow?

but the girl she made fun of is a model somehow

the geeks all got rich and therefore cool

and the guy who got the girls now gets all the dudes

church girl thumped the bible, now she's working the pole

crazy how people act, but they end up switching roles

ain't that about a bitch?

(chorus)

la la la la

yeah yeah yeah

la la la la

we can still be friends on Facebook

Some of us wish for the past cuz our lives suck now

We survived high school

but fucked it up somehow

I guess we thought we'd always be okay

but real life hit since graduation day

some of us found hills for our lives to go down

a lot of shit changed since we left this town...

told us at graduation the limit was the sky

a few years later, for most of us that's a lie

ain't that about a bitch?

(repeat chorus 3x)

Thanks for hanging with this series, umf'ers...it's been great. Class dismissed!

Prima Facebook: a guide to what your profile picture may say about you

2011-06-30T14:55:00.004-04:00

*fittedwearer's note: Hey, anonymous asker...told you I got you :)

There's a Latin term, "prima facie", that literally means "on it's first face" or loosely, "the first impression". It's often used in legal circles and courts of law, but today I've decided to apply it to the internet's favorite court of public opinion, Facebook. You see, everybody and their baby momma has a Facebook page, and the first thing anyone sees of it is the default picture. What some people don't know is that a lot of information can be gleaned simply by looking at one's profile picture, at least on a basic level.

Of course, people are more than their Facebook pictures just like their statuses are not necessarily a thorough window into their soul (at least I hope not in some cases)...but if a status translates into real life as a t-shirt with a phrase printed on it, a picture could pass as your actual face...after all, you put it up, so it can be safely assumed that it says something accurate about you that you want said...but what are you saying? Below is a list of common picture types and the messages they may send to others...whether you realize it or not. As an added bonus, for each picture type, I'll throw in which Facebook Species tend to use them, for even further insight into the online personality of all your friends...let's begin.

A normal pic of one's face (smile optional)- I'll start out with this one because although it was the original picture form, even back before the internet was out (yes, there was that time...my kids won't believe me, but there was) it's become increasingly rare in the modern day. This standard picture serves no purpose but to identify the person in it...which, of course, is the entire point of a picture.

What it says about you: "I'm a reasonably normal human being, or at least I'm good at masquerading as such."

Facebook Species: potentially universal.

The Paycheck Pic- We've all seen this one...it's when some Wendy's assistant manager cashes his weekly wages and takes a picture of all $548 (a dead giveaway is $5's and 1's cleverly tucked to the back of the knot) to show all his friends how he's liviiiiiin for the cityyyyy....

What it says about you: "I've never had anything of value and have probably never seen this much money in the same place."

Facebook Species: Faceballer, Facebook Gangsta, Very Special Friend

Toke Shot- For some reason, posting pictures on the internet of yourself using (currently) illegal substances has become all the rage in recent years.

What it says about you: "I really, really want you to know I smoke weed...and I don't want a job."

Facebook Species: Faceballer, Facebook Gangsta, Very Special Friend, Live Journalist

New Tat Pic- Often, people choose to let their friends know they have a new tattoo by posting a picture of it on Facebook. While this is a perfectly acceptable practice in and of itself, some of the the tattoos present ripe opportunites for ridicule, especially for those who claim they got their tattoos "for the summer". An especially hilarious example of this involves an otherwise normal picture with some ink fail slathered across the subject's face.

What it says about you: "Hey, check out what I want on me for the rest of my life!"

Facebook Species: somewhat universal, but strongly represented by Facebook Gangstas and Profile Divas

MySpace angle- This commonly female shot, accomplished by aiming one's phone at a downward angle toward the face before taking a picture, is a favorite of those with something to hide, be it a moustache, acne, a nonstandard face, or 50 extra pounds. An interesting note is that for every 10 degrees the camera is angled up, the subject appears to gain half a point on the standard 1-10 scale....unfortunately, this effect cannot be duplicated in real life.

What it says about you: "Please believe I look like this...pretty please?"

Facebook Species: Facebook Smut, Profile Diva, Friendster

Middle finger up- Another common pose involves the extension of the middle finger. This shot indicates a cavalier attitude towards one's perception, and can often be misinterpreted as a direct statement to everyone who looks at it. This is rarely the case...otherwise, you wouldn't be friends.

What it says about you: "If you don't like me or my pic, fuck you."

Facebook Species: although one of the less common poses, it is used by those in all walks of Facebook.

The image of imbibing- Many people enjoy taking pictures of themselves in various states of drinking and drunkenness...it's fun to do, but too many pictures of this type may send the wrong impression...or the right one.

What it says about you: "I'm not scared of a good time!"

Facebook Species: whichever ones drink...duh.

Cleavage Pic- Another common one for females are pictures which emphasize, or show almost entirely in some cases, their cleavage. Some people frown upon this practice, as it is inherently attention-seeking and desperate, but if those things were the best part of your personality I bet you would show them too.

What it says about you: "You, having seen all I have to offer, now have no need to concern yourself with me as a person."

Facebook Species: Facebook Smut, Profile Diva, Tabloid Princess

Butt Flick- *see above* An added note is that if the subject gets *likes* for this kind of picture and none for the normal ones, they're far less attractive than they think.

What it says about you: "This is likely better looking than my face."

Facebook Species: Facebook Smut, Profile Diva, Tabloid Princess

Gun Shot- A relatively new category, but with the advent of Facebook Hitmen, it has become necessary to list. Few people are stupid enough to appear on Facebook brandishing a gun, but every so often someone tries it.

What it says about you: "I'm way too hard for Facebook."

Facebook Species: Facebook Gangsta

Group Photo- Although most people who appear in group shots do so to be seen with a group of their friends, some people use it as a smokescreen to disguise the fact that they're the friend that make the rest look better, since not everyone would immediately know which person they are. It's a tricky practice, but can be easily detected by pictures that lack proper tagging to create confusion.

What it says about you: "Look at everybody but me!"

Facebook Species: whoever could use a bit of camouflage

Shirtless Guy: Many physically fit men enjoy showing off their bodies to their female friends on Facebook. What they sometimes fail to realize is that they have male friends who may not necessarily want to see that shit every time they have something to say to them.

What it says about you: "I want all my posts deleted off my male friends' walls because people are starting to ask questions. Also, I was likely a fat kid...and look at me now!"

Facebook Species: Friendster, Mouse Potato, Facebook Gangsta

Significant Other Shot: While often a cute way for those who care about each other to show it to the world, in many cases one partner has a picture of the couple and the other barely acknowledges they're in a relationship. Of course, the "no pic, no claim" rule takes effect here, the party without a picture obviously isn't really in the relationship...but you can't tell the poor sucker who goes with them that.

What it says about you: "I'm taken!"

Facebook Species: couples, Relationship Hoppers

Sports Logo- Pretty obvious. However, it's always interesting to see if the logo changes to a different team in the same sport when the team's fortunes change.

What it says about you: "Go _______!"

Facebook Species: sports fans, Bandwagoners

Bathroom Mirror Flick- One of the most common kinds of pictures, it has a few telltale signs...a camera flash in a mirror, the camera or camera phone actually being in the picture, and...oh, the fucking bathroom. One of the most entertaining parts about this variety of picture is that people often try and make their sexiest faces in the least sexy room in any given home. Luckily, with the advent of front-facing cameras for smartphones, this kind of picture is expected to decline.

What it says about you: "Check my style...and my tile!"

Facebook Species: Facebook Smut, Profile Diva, Mouse Potato, Insomniac, Live Journalist

The Flipbook- This is the most vexing ones, as in most cases the location and facial expressions in the picture do not change, causing a flipbook-type effect if you scroll through their pictures really fast. The purpose of taking the exact same picture with a different shirt every fucking day has never been fully explained, but one theory states that most people who do this are conceited and can't get enough of looking at their own face and assume all their Facebook friends are of the same mind...this is almost never the case, as nobody needs more than 3 of the exact same picture, let alone 300. The funniest examples of Flipbooks are those which get few if any *like*s.

What it says about you: "Look at me! Lookalookalookalooka! I'm pretty! Look, look, look! You need to know what I'm wearing every day! Look at me! Look at yesterday's picture! You know you love my face...right? RIGHT!? Am I as attractive today? Tell me I'm cute! Validate my looks! *sigh* I'm so insecure..."

Facebook Species: Profile Diva, Facebook Smut, Mouse Potato, Live Journalist, Tabloid Princess, Pity Magnet, Very Special Friend

All right, I hope you enjoyed that look at what your picture can say about you. Hopefully, your picture sends a good message about you...or at least an accurate one. For umf, I'm AJ...thank you, and good night.

Formsprung- Season 2

2011-06-29T14:52:00.003-04:00

Welcome, one and all, to the weekly reader question and answer extravaganza known as "Formsprung!" We've got a lot of questions this week (that's all thanks to your awesome folk) and we'll get to them right after a bit of an announcement...we're gonna see how YOU like being asked a bunch of random shit!

I'm happy to announce that I'm now an official pollster over at Votovana.com (you haven't heard of it yet but trust me, you will) and I want y'all to go over there and participate in some of my fascinating polls. If you want the world to know what kind of smartphone you prefer (Android, bitches!) or what percentage of your Facebook friends you actually like (50-74% for me...but that's yall!) head on over and make your voice heard! Aight, let's get to the Q's for that A...

If you had to have sex with one of the Wiggles, who would you choose? And saying "just shoot me" is not an option.
There is no emoticon for the expression I had on my face upon reading this question...how about "just shoot the person who asked this"?

Seriously, thanks for the laugh haha...what the fuck...

threesome with any 2 girls, who you picking?
Girls? Eww, that's sick! Didn't you see my post yesterday?! You better hope Chis Hansen doesn't get that ass...

How many states have you visited?
Let's see...Pennsylvania, Texas, New York, Connecticut, Georgia, North Carolina, Maryland, Delaware, Jersey by accident...hmm, I may need to get out more.

IE or Google Chrome?
Chrome is what they have at work, so I'm going with that lol

Do you regret not finishing college?
I don't...I don't regret going for that year either though, it was the only way to find out for sure that it really wasn't for me.

You ever skateboard?
haha not seriously...I've stood on one and tried to ollie for about an hour, participated in a few downhill skateboard luge races and spent half of 8th grade playing Tony Hawk 2, but never anything that could actually be considered skateboarding...

do you have a drivers license?
Yes I do, you need that to get into bars...what I don't have is a car, but then again one of y'all is supposed to buy me an Aston Martin for Christmas, so I expect that to be resolved in the nearish future. :)

using condoms or going raw?
Of course,. I prefer the natural sensation like most guys...it just can come with a very high price tag, so I definitely use the helmets if I'm getting in the game with new personnel...

The fries from Five guys, regulars or Cajun style?
They make regular? Cajun all the way!

There may be no Football :(
SILENCE YOUR UNBELIEVING MOUTH (and also, that's not a question)!

how you liking your new phone?
I like it way more than I expected! It's faster, has better games, video chat (great for late nights), makes it way easier to post a bunch of bullshit on Facebook, and also adds to my pic ninja aresenal, as it has 2 cameras...always fun to catch somebody off guard with a front camera pic. I even got (kind of) adjusted to the lack of a real keyboard. I'll always remember my G1, but this my new lifestyle partner....thanks for asking!

Peaches. Or Cream. Which do you prefer?

Um...this sounds like one of those 2nd grade trick questions like "does your mom know you're gay"? On the off chance it's not, I'm going with peaches...yeah, definitely peaches...I enjoy the occasional peach...I'm going to stop typing the word "peach" now, I'm starting to feel weird.

Wat u think bout the Walmart video?

I finally saw it lol...it's 'tarded, but I was entertained...and WalMart is a damn good place to shop.

How racist do you think the average white man is?

I wouldn't know, they usually stop telling their black guy jokes when I walk into the room lol...not enough to actually say anything, I guess.

How racist is the average black man?

On average? Maybe 2 or 3 on a scale from 1-10, but given the events of the past few centuries...

Curren$y Fan?

My sis loves him, has all his mixtapes and begged me to get "Pilot Talk" for her on the way home one day...me, not so much. I grew up with rappers with more substance and lyricism, so maybe I'm biased...

If you coulld live anywhere in the world where would you stay?
Hmm...to LIVE? There are a lot of places I want to visit, but spending my life in a place is different. it would likely have to be America, I like the food and general way things work (relatively)...somewhere sunny and warm most of the time...likely somewhere in Southern Cali...maybe San Diego, home of umfJHS...lol...

Ever tried lean/syrup?
lol I remember college...yeah I have...it was okay to try, but not my kind of thing. I like being able to stand up or think straight at least once an hour...

Hot Dogs or burgers?

Honestly, given that choice who picks a hot dog? I mean, hot dogs are good and can be prepared any number of ways (plain, grilled, bacon, cheese, chili, etc), but anything you can do with a hot dog...anything straight, smartass...you can do with a burger and have it be better. No disrespect to the frankfurter, but against a good burger it just doesn't stack up.

do you work out?

I enjoy being lazy, eating delicious food, and mind-altering substances far too much ruin a good time getting sweaty running around when the cops aren't behind me. I have all the respect in the world for those that do...but as long as I can look directly down and see my equipment and don't pass out walking up an escalator, I figure I'm good.

Do you still post on Niketalk?

wow, NT! Once upon a time, I was an avid Niketalker (which, despite it's name, has its main appeal in nonsneaker discussions) by the name of goldNboi7 among others, where I did a very similar thing to what I do every day here, share my perspective on life...but I kind of outgrew all the bullshit rules and restrictions. Hell, I would have been banned for a month just for saying "bullshit rules and restrictions"...after a while, I just couldn't take being censored any more...it's a little of what made me start umf. In short, na, I don't fuck with it like that no more...tell everybody I said hi though.

*tap tap pull*

How do you want 2 die?

Quickly, and a long time from now...it I can't do it in my sleep after a long, fulfilling, successful life, in a distant future nuclear war actually doesn't sound too bad, it's instant, likely painless and nobody would have to miss me...or anybody else, we'd all be vaporized.

Damn, that was a lot! This is why I love y'all...one thing I could never ask for, no matter how many polls I create, are better readers. We're about out of time for today, but if you wanna get one in for next week, hit up the blue question box >over there> or if your scroll button is missing, just hit the link:

any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...

Is 10 the new 20?

2011-06-28T14:13:00.001-04:00

They say (or said at one point, I don't know) that 30 is the new 20...while I'm glad ladies on the wrong side of a midlife crisis can still experience all the joys of being a confused-ass girl of just over 18, I often wonder how close we are to having the effect work from the opposite side. Of course, we're not at that point in society (I hope), but unfortunately there's plenty of evidence to the contrary...and I'm not talking Barbie jobs here. It seems like the future we live in is a pedophile's wet dream. (It's not exactly a new thing either...this new movement has its roots way further back than any overpriced clothing store. Ever since the first beauty pageant, a contest to decide who is the most attractive child, was staged, we've been on this path.)

I first noticed this very disturbing trend with last year's release of "children's lingerie" by that wonderful Cyrus family (not joking, I Googled it so you don't have to...now I'm gonna be on somebody else's "crazy Google searches"-themed post) and it's only gotten worse from there. For example, Abercrombie and Fitch, in addition to a full line of thongs for children (huh?), also carries a line of swimwear for the kiddies which are...strategically padded (because apparently kids just aren't sexy enough without a push-up bikini top).

Now, anybody who reads this knows that I think padding of even the adult female form is pointless, deceptive, and just plain wrong...so you can imagine what my opinion of it for those who haven't even hit high school yet. (I want to go back in time to the executive meeting where A&F executives decided that was even the distant relative to a good idea so I can knock the idea man's Adam's apple down his throat.) Why did the world need shapely children again?

Oh, but it doesn't stop there...no, people all over the world are just laser-fucking-focused on pushing kids into areas that are way inappropriate for anybody under the age of 18 (16 in the UK and 14 in the deep South). Across the pond in England there's even a fitness school that offers children's pole dance classes...read that again...children's pole dance classes (that is also not a joke...and I'm just so sure that there's no way any creep can watch those). I can't string together a chain of expletives strong enough, and that's saying something. I'm sure there's some smart ass (and likely undercover pervert) who thinks this is a good idea because it's exercise in an increasingly fatter world, but there are literal hundreds of better ways for kids to get exercise...you know, tag and kickball and jump rope and hopscotch and gymnastics and t-ball and...you get the point. There's less than 0 excuse for that shit.

When did kids stop being kids and start being tiny people that could be real knockouts with a little dolling up and some cool stripper moves? I'm sorry, I must be on the wrong fucking planet...on my old one, people who probably get erections watching Sesame Street get jail time, not high paying jobs at clothing companies and fitness chains. When I was a kid...hell, I still am a kid about 30 percent of the time! Fuck that, if I can still have pieces of my childhood, actual children should be able to as well. I must have missed the memo that it's okay to sexualize small children in twentyleven...I'll still pass though. Maybe it's just me and how I was raised, but I don't think anybody should have a push-up bra and a Push Pop at the same time...just sayin'.

Words with Fiends: a letter to some sad, sad people

2011-06-27T13:49:00.001-04:00

* fittedwearer's note: Lately I've been just about addicted to the popular smartphone game "Words with Friends". (My username isn't a surprise...I'm captNaj, if any of my readers want a game.) If you're not familiar with WWF, picture Scrabble and...well, that's it, actually...it's Scrabble. It does have a modern twist, however...the game allows players to match wordsmithing skills over the internet, and if there's anything I like better than the English language, it's competition...predictably, the game is right up my alley and I've spent a lot of time laying the WWF smackdown on folk (both that I know and that I don't) since I got my new phone....well, until I started encountering these people.

To whom it may concern,

I've noticed a very disturbing trend in my time playing the game. See, over the course of a couple dozen games, I encountered what seem to be some true professionals...that's you. (You might want to save that "thanks!" for later, though.) With you, long, complex words meet short, obscure words in a symphony of double and triple-word scored language. I did my best to keep up, but between some unlucky hands (what the fuck am I supposed to do with a J, 2 O's, an E, an A, an X and a Q besides name some hoodrat's child?) and your delayed yet timely creation of some seemingly impossible letter combinations, I started to rack up a couple losses in a row. Although it was much to my competitive chagrin, I simply chalked it up to having been bested by a better player fair and square.

I should have known that wasn't the case. I was looking for some new games in the app market this weekend when I stumbled upon an app called...well, I'm not gonna say all that, I don't want this bullshit spreading, but it was an app developed specifically for use with WWF where one can enter one's letters and receive a list of possible words one can make with them...or cheat and defeat the entire purpose of the game, more or less. I couldn't believe it. Of course, this begs the question: what kind of pathetic loser cheats at fucking Scrabble...and pays 99 cents to do it? Who (besides you, apparently) does that?

I decided to find out...I checked the comments section. It was exactly what I would expect out of people like you. "Haven't lost a game since I got this!" (I bet.) "Love this app, worth every penny, my friends all wonder how I got so good!" (Cheating.) "My average score went up 50 points, I feel so much smarter!" (The average woman who pads her body gains some measurables and likely feels sexier...but when it's actually time to use those attributes, she may be found lacking.) These people are the same kinds of people who use 2-headed coins for flipping, challenge people to drinking contests and use water, and use words from word-a-day calendars out of context in an attempt to impress their friends and coworkers. It's not that serious...who the fuck are y'all fooling?

It's like steroids in baseball, doping in the Tour de France or Status Shuffle on Facebook...it cheats everybody involved and just makes the game as a whole less fun to play...besides that, what's to be gained by cheating in a cell phone board game? If you don't have the skills to do something, either improve or don't do it...but don't stoop to this level. I want y'all to know I know what you're up to, and it's not cool. Am I overreacting a bit to this? Maybe...but you started it. At least I didn't need any help to take this too seriously...and did it for free. Here's a 7 letter rack that captures how I feel perfectly: U-F-K-C-O-U-Y. Scrabble that.

Love,

Back to School Part III- The Interview

2011-06-24T14:45:00.000-04:00

If you've been with us for the past couple Fridays, you've seen the Intro and the Injustice....now we come to part III of our "Back to School" series, the Interview. That's right, as promised, I hooked up with a Philadelphia School District insider, here referred to as "Mrs. Smith" who every day (until this week when schools let out) comes face to face with our future, the children of your average big city public school. Beyond telling you that they are employed by a middle school (6th-8th grades) I can't reveal the insider's name or position for reasons that will likely make themselves apparent soon, but trust me when I say this source has as accurate a perspective on the state of public schools and the children they claim to educate as any employee of a public school in America. I thank that person for this interview, and hope that this can serve as a wakeup call to anyone who thinks the kids are all right in our public schools as they currently exist (or maybe just make you laugh a little). Anyway, here it is, my interview with Mrs. Smith.

umf: First of all I want welcome you to umf and thank you for your time.
Mrs. Smith: Thank you.

Okay, what's your level of involvement with students?
I interact with them too much, actually. I'm around them a lot and I get to see them hands-on.

How long have you been working in the Philly school district?
3 years.

Describe what you see on a daily basis.
To be honest, you can see pretty much anything. There are all types of fights, they bring in strange items. One time this boy snuck into scool with a dead cat *laughs* When caught, he threw it in the air and ran.

Paint an overall picture of the average child of today.
Fucked up. They come frome fucked up homes and have to live fucked up lives. You have to feel sorry for them. Honestly, it;s difficult to understand where they're coming from sometimes.

Do you have confidence in their future?
I'll put it this way: I love to see children succeed, regardless of what or where they come from...but I don't see it.

Ineresting...in your opinion, are the facilities and equipment provided by public schools adequate for proper learning?
It depends on the teacher. If they're a good teacher, they'll be able to reach the interested kids with whatever.

Do you have those kind of teachers in your school?
There are a few...not a lot, unfortunately. A lot of them come in with the notion that it's "just teaching", it'll be easy, they'll get summers off...it's sad.

On the flip side, what percentage of kids would you estimate are legitimately interested in learning?
*thinks* I'm gonna say...25%, generously.

Do you think that's a failing of the schools, the kids, or the parents?
Definitely at home. If the parents don't give a shit, why should the kids?

In your opinion, are the children of the Philadelphia school district being properly served by their schools?
I wouldn't say that they are.

Given what we pay in school taxes, do you think it's a fair deal?
No.

Is it more about keeping the school test scores up, or actually teaching?
Test scores...it's been like that since I went to school.

How many kids pass simply because the teachers are sick of seeing their faces?
A lot more than you think. "No Child Left Behind", my ass.

Word. Why do many children of today seem lost?
I blame the parents. Nobody seems to think about it that way, but parents have to show their kids that there's more to do with life than run the streets and smut their way around the world.

Hmm...semi-sequitur, you work in a middle school. Sex ed classes aren't usually until 8th grade at the earliest if they happen at all. Is this too late?
*scoffs* You'd be surprised how early these kids start. Honestly, they need it in elementary school.

So I can take that as an endorsement of the Philadelphia free condom program in schools?
Hell yeah! *sings* Every kiiiiid needs condooooms... *laughs*

haha...swiching gears, do you think the district is being mismanaged?
Yes I do.

Whose fault is this? Can you pinpoint a person who deserves blame?
That horrible, horrible woman (district superintendent) Arlene Ackerman. It seems to me that her priorities are all out of order. She often blames the schools for the parents' shortcomings.

So the schools are free from fault?
No, but if the person managing the district isn't willing to take he necessary steps to correct problems, there's not a lot the schools can do.

Do you personlly know anyone who has falisfied their address for better schooling?
*laughs* Hell yeah. Kids that live near me sometimes go halfway across the city or even outside of it.

Are schools outside the city any better?
I don't personally know, but that's generally believed.

What is your opinion of school vouchers?
It hurts public schools. I personally think it's by design, they want to get rid of public schools at large and replace them with charter schools.

Do you think that the methods of teaching are outdated? If so, why?
No. I'll say it this way: if anything they need to get back to the basics. There's too much branching out of subjects to kids who haven't even grasped the basics.

What about your own public school experiences? Do you feel you got a good education or just wasted a lot of time you could have spent watching "Cheaters"?

Um...I'll say I was lucky...I had very good teachers and they pointed me in the right direction. I emphasize that I was one of the lucky ones.

Tough question: when you have kids, will they go to public schools?
*thinks* It depends on the area that I'm in.

Isn't that very telling of a large gap in the quality of public schools?
Yeah, I guess so. There's just not enough communication in larger districts.

Got what I wanted...moving one, is the school system of today more likely to produce bright young minds or dull young laborers?
I'll put it this way, a student will take what he wants from his education.

Can the schools help at all?
Of course. I've been a student...it goes back to the quality of teacher.
You get to make one change in your school...what is it?
Better administration. It starts at the top.
Okay, I want to thank you for your time today, it's been educational for all of us.
You're welcome...it's all because I love the kids.

Wanna go get lunch?
Okay. *smiles*

All right everybody, I hope you enjoyed this look inside the education of your average big city American chlid. The children are our future...God help us all. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm hungry and somewhat sober...happy Friday umf!

"Search Me..." VII

2011-06-23T15:04:00.003-04:00

What's good umf'ers? I'm sure by now you're familiar with the "Search Me" concept...random and weird Google search terms people actually used that will lead them to umf. I've done 6 posts on it (as you may have guessed from the roman numerology of this one) and it never ceases to entertain me..problem is there's so long between these posts that a lot of good ones slip through the cracks. For that reason, I'm retiring these posts after this one...but just for fun, I'll toss one up on the umf fanpage (and you can take this opportunity to *like* it if you haven't already) when I see one that pops out. Just like the posts, it will also contain the post it probably led to and the Intelligence Quotient, or the likelihood from 1-100 percent that they left umf with the information they wanted...aight, let's get this thing started.

fuck fathers day poem (and 3 variants)- Father's Day was last Sunday, and apparently some people decided to bring their daddy issues to umf. What they found here was a poem praising the merits of a decent father...who, if they had, would have rendered the search unnecessary.
IQ: 17- I apologize to all disappointed Googlers for my civility toward my own pop.

antiquated bullshit- no question this led to the Daylight Savings Time post...have you ever seen those 2 words together before or since til now?
IQ: 57- it's one of the better examples of antiquated bullshit I can think of.

jailbait only- I knew writing that guide to avoiding underage girls would have some...odd effects on my Google searches.
black jailbait- like this.
girls that are 18 that look underage- and this.
jailbait girls- and this.
sex girls uk age 18 book girl sex underage girls- and definitely this.
children of the porn- like seriously, people are fucked up.
IQ: 0- there is nothing like that here you sick freaks!

but

there's no way she's 18- and
my girlfriend looks underage- was more what I had in mind when I wrote it. I like to imagine I helped some guy peel his friend (or himself) off of some 15 year old girl through my guide.
IQ: 83- There's a thin line between 16 and 19 nowadays...I think I did a decent job drawing it.

idea behind miller lite vortex bottle- Led to one of my "Inventions Nobody Fuckin' Asked For" posts. Haven't done one in a while, actually.
IQ: 14- I don't know what the idea was, but I know it was a stupid one.

"either be smoking or be passing" (and 3 variants)- led to my Smokers' Field Guide I wrote during Green Week, umf's celebration of cannabis culture (I know you didn't think I did all this sober haha). The quotation is from "Friday", and I included it verbatim in the post because it's just as true today as it was in 1995. Get your session ettiquette up.
IQ: 98- I'd venture to say it's one of the best guides of its kind on the internet.

psychedelische brownies- Another remnant from Green Week, this person was apparently searching for a good space brownie recipe...and found one.
IQ: 89- Close enough...

tub of chickies and petes crab fries- I had a post about that great use of potatoes, but had no idea they even sold 'em in tubs.
IQ: hell, they taught my ass something!

my wife flashing other men- I have no idea why this led here.
IQ: 2- me, that seems like a personal problem.

dreamlook eye lift stupid- was likely searched by somebody like me who saw the infomercial and went...what the fuck?!
IQ: 86- I confirmed their suspicions.

letters to my future wife- let the Googlenaut see a very personal part of my life...the letter I wrote to my own future wife about her wedding plans and why they're HER wedding plans.
IQ: 50- Either it was my future wife and she got a serious heads-up, or it was...somebody else searching for letters from the future addressed to people they will one day marry. They;re about equally impossible, so let's flip a coin.

osama died so is it over?- was the ticket to my post answering that and all other Osama-related questions following his death a while ago.
IQ: 100- Happy to help.

a bunch of free condoms- let the searcher see my thoughts on Philadelphia's new safe-sex program for schools.
IQ: 95- Sounds like exactly what they'll need....a WHOLE bunch.

"athletic cup" mom- what?!
IQ: n/a- If your mommy needs an athletic cup, you have bigger problems than umf can help you with.

all my friends are graduating from college except me- likely was one of my fellow college dropouts looking for some solace in this time of transition between graduating high school and doing what one wants to do in life. I know how you feel, man...that's why I wrote a post about it.
IQ: 97- You don't have to go to college to graduate.

what the hell is a slut walk (and 14 variants)- even though I'm still trying to figure that out 100% even a week after it was in Philly, this search dropped the various curious parties off at my post (which I STILL stand behind) about that...unique event.
IQ: 89- the "what" I had a decent grip on...the "why" still escapes the fuck out of me.

fuck drunk wife together- um...
IQ: ?

how to identify hoodrats (and 10 variants)- ah, the hoodrat searches. Writing that guide on how to spot them was a better and better idea as time passes.
IQ: 92- It's likely the only Hoodrat Field Guide in existence anywhere.

is it wrong that there's no winner and no loser in kids field games (and 3 variants)- this question was answered with a post explaining just how wrong it was.
IQ: 88- It's a winner's number.

its saturday thats a day for heels plenty of vodka- no idea what that means or why it leads here, but that last part sounds good.
IQ: 65- I don't know shit about heels, but being drunk on weekends is one of my areas of expertise.

seriously i dont know whats on ur mind- was almost the exact sentence I said when I wrote this post about Facebook hitmen and how they destroy lives.
IQ: 12- Likely had nothing to do with the post, but I do want to know just what was on that bitch's mind when she did that to herself.

anthonist (5x)- Not sure how my personal belief system spread so far, but glad to see people are interested.
IQ: 97- Not sure where you could get better info about it.

people whose facebook posts are from status shuffle suck- but then, you knew that bfore you searched for it. Either way, there's a post for that too.
IQ: 17- I dont think I told them anything they didn't know already.

oh, and for anyone who thinks the world didn't need a post telling people how to sound cool on Facebook, I present these searches:

how to sound cool on facebook status (5x)

how to sound cool on facebook (8x)

how to sound interesting on facebook

how to sound cool

short cool quotes to post on facebook

cool facebook posts

what cool guys post on facebook (2x)

cool shit to post on facebook

...and you think people don't need to read this?!

IQ: 100- If they can follow instructions, there's no limit to how cool they can sound.

and of course,

undermyfitted (23x)- Nice to see people coming here on purpose. :)

IQ: ...duh.

Hopefully you enjoyed this last post looking at the crazy roads people take to umf. It's always interesting to see what people are willing to type into their search bars...even more so when it involves this piece of the net.

Formsprung- Season 2

2011-06-22T15:03:00.002-04:00

Hey guys, remember me? Sorry about the sudden and unexpected lack of giggles, we had some technical difficulties here at umf...which brings us to our first question of the day:

You okay? You usually don't skip 2 weekdays in a row! Give me my umf!

Got you lol...I'm fine, just didn't have an internet connection here at work, and thus couldn't post on umf (what, you thought I did all this on my own time?) and it killed my entire online life for a couple days. Glad you missed me though :)

Haven't heard from ya on the Book in a while, what you been up to?

"the Book" tho hahaha...see above question for an explanation, but I've been good...mostly laying at home watching old episodes of "Power Rangers", which Netflix, in their infinite wisdom, decided to make available for streaming through my Roku. I love the future...

Favorite restuarant?
Come on man...just "restaurant"? Not Mexican, Italian, American, fast food, slow food, cart food...I'm way too fat on the inside to make a decision like that.

However, I will say the one thing I could eat at any time is a burger and fries from 5 Guys...I'm simple like that.

Drake Fan?
He's one of the best out right now, but that's the point...there ain't a lot out there. He's kind of like the LeBron of hip-hop. For what he is, the personification of the mainstream and face of rap in the new milennium, he's fine...I just don't get all the "best ever" talk.

NEW ORLEANS!!!!!!!!!! man when you comin down homie?
Soon as I get the bread for a nice long vacation tour of the US...right now I can't even afford to visit my mommy's house a couple miles away. It is on my destination list though.

Sites you check daily?
Daily? Not too many, actually, I just check the ones I do check all the damn time...Facebook, Cowboys news, Facebook again, lately Craigslist (lot of info about writing jobs there...I need one, this job sucks), a few other e-soapboxes are on the 3 or 4 day a week plan...oh, um, and umf...between them, I get all the information I need to run my day to day life (and plenty I don't).

I know you saw Green Lantern. How was it?
I totally expected to hate it based on the reviews that came out, but I really liked it...the people that didn't like it weren't familiar with the source material in most cases and thus did not understand it. Was is bad? No...the problem was it wasn't the most accessible movie...but then again, GL has never been for everybody, why would the movie be? People should really find out what the fuck they're talking about before they talk about it...as a huge fan, I wasn't disappointed. (I mean come on, how many times do you see a gatling gun made of pure energy?)

Wat do you think about the billions of dollars spent at war while people starve?

You really have to ask? I think it's utter bullshit...I understand that a country has to be able to defend itself, but we seem to be on offense. There are a whole lot of better things I can think of to do with $5 billion dollars a month (that they tell us about). Hell, for what they've spent on the war so far, they could have sent the whole damn country to a buffet for a year or 2, cured cancer, AIDS, and the common cold, built a space road from here to Mars just for the hell of it, AND pursued disposable cookware technology...come on!

Would you re-elect Obama?

Didn't elect him the first time...neither candidate interested me, so neither did the election. (I trusted that the American people were smart enough not to put that Palin chick anywhere close to power, especially one weak, enfeebled old man heartbeat away.) However, he seems to have done a decent job and the Republicans can't seem to find anybody credible and sane to trot out against him so he'll likely be re-elected anyway...he has my vote if there's somebody they dig up that I really don't want in the White House.

Well, that was a fun warmup coming off a long break...hopefully we won't experience any more service disruptions this...lifetime. That's about it for the day, but if you wanna get one in for next week...well, actually, y'all seem to have a handle on that (but I'll throw the link up anyway for the newbies).

any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...

Back to School- The Injustice

2011-06-17T12:16:00.000-04:00

Let's play a game. Imagine that you have 2 people having a contest to see who can use a ladder to scale a 10-foot wall fastest. These 2 people have relatively the same height, build, and athletic ability, and start out with the same drive to climb the wall...let's say there's a big burlap sack with a green dollar sign filled with money on the other side of it for the winner. Their chances are pretty even, right? Okay, now what if I told you Climber A had a 6-foot ladder and Climber B had one of those rickety 2-foot high house painting stools with 3 steps that very technically counts as a ladder. Little bit of a game changer, eh? True, they'll both still have their obstacles...Climber A still has to actually climb the ladder made available to him and put in his work once he gets to the top and Climber B can definitely still climb over if he's determined enough (and maybe with a little bit of a boost from a person willing to help out) ...but the smart bet's on Climber A, right?

This is the problem that American public schools face today. Many people assume that public schools present a largely uniform experience, but the difference between these taxpayer funded schools in different areas is greater than one might imagine...in fact, it's almost like first class and coach educational systems. Entire generations of kids find themselves in Climber B's cleats, looking at their inferior equipment, magnified challenges, and lack of dedicated, passionate instructors willing to give them a boost...and often, they choose to just quit the race. Dropout rates in the City of Philadelphia constantly hover around 50%...unless your education was lacking as well, I don't need a bar graph to tell you that's way above the national average (33%).

There are those who bring up charter schools as a viable alternative...I'm not sure how paying some company to fuck things up for profit is an effective use of taxpayer dollars...maybe that money would be better spent, uh, in the schools that need it? There are those who suggest that people dissatisfied with public education should opt for a paid, private education instead. While this is an option, it by definition excludes those without the ability to afford the $3,000 per year tuition of St. Jesus Preparatory School For Exceptional Young Men. Some people even have an answer for that, suggesting that the government provide school vouchers for free private education. It's a program that's being considered and implemented in different areas of the country. While that's a noble thought, it doesn't address the real problem...that the free ones are so bad, the government is considering paying people not to go there! I might drop out too!

I brought up the Philly dropout rate, and other urban areas tell a similar tale...Detroit, Baltimore, New York, Milwaukee, Cleveland, Los Angeles, Miami, Dallas, Denver, Houston...all graduate under 50% of their students. That's under. 50. Fucking. Percent. (Do I really have to Google up all the stats for high school graduate earning power vs. non-graduates? They won't even let you flip burgers without a high school education some places...hell, they're starting to investigate strippers' educational backgrounds...it's a tough job market.) What do these areas have in common? Many have high minority populations...because who needs the plantation when you can ensure that large swaths of certain subsets of people are guaranteed to work menial, unskilled jobs for just enough money to feed themselves and get their black, brown, and off-white asses back to work for their entire lives? (Yeah, I said it.)

It's not any secret that schools in areas with heavy minority populations consistently underperform when stacked up against schools "in the hills"...people will often use fake addresses or take impossibly long commutes just to get a decent free education. I've had the opportunity to spend time at both kinds of public schools, and the differences are clear as day. Skipping over the neighborhoods, which present challenges of their own, it's a wide gap. The maintenance of the actual facilities, the quality of educator, the number and newness of books (I once had a History book that ended with the Vietnam War) and computers (if applicable) ...hell, even the food is markedly better in the suburbs. Why? We pay the same taxes pretty much wherever we live, (if it ain't sales, it's property, if it ain't property, it's income, if it ain't income, it's some tax they made up last week) so how is it that the investment in our most valuable resources are so severely unbalanced? Are we saying that some kids are worth more than others because of where they live?

I'll stop short of calling it genocide only because it doesn't directly kill people, but make no mistake, lives are being destroyed. There are kids out there right now that will never reach a fraction of their full potential because they never had a chance. The fact is, we as a country do not have equal access to an acceptable free education....it's beyond a fucking shame, it's an ongoing national tragedy. I was one of the lucky ones, I'm making the most I can with a overall subpar education...but somewhere, the potential next Einstein took one look around his classroom, saw the bars on the windows, the computer that only takes floppy discs, the minimally compensated, lackluster and uninterested teacher, and his Science book that ends with a proud recognition of the recent discovery of the mysterious planet Pluto, and said "fuck this"...if that's not injustice for all, I don't know what is.

What's on your mind? (...no, seriously, what the fuck could have been on your mind?!)

2011-06-16T14:14:00.002-04:00

*fittedwearer's note: please, please, PLEASE watch the video...skip to 0:45 if you're pressed for time...it's of the local newscast of the event and to hear the...Caucasian accent...on the reporter while he reads the various slanguage that was used is...fuckin' priceless. I hope this post is half that funny hahaha...aight, let's go.

By now, I'm sure we all have heard the tragically retarded story of London Eley, a Philadelphia woman who decided that the best way to end her baby daddy blues was to end her baby daddy, Corey White. (The guy appeared shocked that she was capable of such a thing, stating "I thought we was better than that". Of course, he's either lying or stupid...you don't skip directly from "relationship bliss" to "murder for hire"...there are a few public arguments, burned/bleached articles of clothing and busted car windows in between those 2 points. Don't ignore the warning signs, gentlemen...message!)

Of course, this kind of thing goes on all the time, but what made this particular case unique was the manner in which the request was made...that's right, that dumb bitch put an open job posting out on Facebook offering $1,000 for her husband, dead or deceased. (When the fuck did that become a good idea? Isn't that a lot like a drug dealer hanging a sign on one's front door that says "crack house" or a prostitute just waiting on some corner on her knees with her mouth wide open and a tip jar beside her? I mean, I know people tell on themselves on Facebook all the time, but I'll give my FB friends this much credit: I've never so much as seen a status saying "weed for sale, inbox me for prices", let alone "$1,000 to the first man to bring me my ex's face on a RIP t-shirt!" ...it's just not smart.)

Apparently she forgot about all the other ways we can contact each other here in the future...texts, emails, phone calls, all that...and elected to place her want ad in the most public area possible for somebody that doesn't run a site with the best fuckin' readers in the world (yeah, I said it again) ...right on her Facebook public wall. (That's some bold shit...she didn't even make it a private message!) The first person of interest to see this story was one Timothy Bynum. A mere 18 years dumb, Timmy was apparently a hardened killer (obviously, anybody with a gun in their profile pic is obviously a wankstus hilariosi...for more information about Facebook Species, aim here.) accepting her request as calmly as adding a friend.

After finding out some critical information about his target like "wat he look like nd were he stay at" and reminding her that "he need dat $$$ first tho" (yeah, that's how he types...but would you really expect an internet hitman who poses for pictures with the gun he works with to be a genius?), Bynum was ready to commit the what may have been the first absolutely confirmed Facebook-based murder in human history...or would have had relatives of White, still friends with the mother of his kids, not SEEN THE POST ON THEIR NEWS FEED and called the cops. As diablocal schemes go, this one was fucked from the word "share". (Besides, if you watched the video, you see why she made a double mistake...she tried to kill one of the rare folk that would have sex with her while sober. Apparently they can be choosers :p )

Both Bynum and Eley, having given police every piece of evidence they would ever need to convict them, will probably go to jail (and if I was president, they'd also be sterilized so they couldn't reproduce and make kids who would write bomb scares on Twitter or something...nothing worse than a retweeted #terroristthreat) and they'll richly deserve it. I have no idea how this is a good idea, and honestly I wouldn't recommend it at all...but if you want somebody off your real-life friendslist that badly, here's a few tips to help:

1) Don't do it on Facebook...at least not on your wall. At the very least, use the private message function.

2) If you really have to do it on there for whatever reason, at least block the family members of the person involved from your status.

3) Really, if you want to kill someone's family member, it's not a good idea to still have them on your friendslist.

4) Find a hitman who does not openly advertise himself as such...a business card or picture depicting himself at work is usually a bad sign.

5) If you are a hitman, do not pose with your office equipment on Facebook. If you seek one, do not hire one who poses with it.

6) Spend more than $1,000 on a hit...you get what you pay for.

7) Craigslist still exists.

Seriously people...don't do this to yourselves...before you haul off and make your whole life a hilarious failure, ask yourself...are you THAT sure you want to delete that person?

Formsprung- Season 2

2011-06-15T15:05:00.005-04:00

We got a lot of questions today, so let's just skip the intro...

Is the hate for Lebron cause he's black or cause he is choking?
lol...it's mostly because he's an arrogant, egotistical douche who constantly gets compared to the best of all time despite doing nothing of actual note besides sell a bunch of sneakers and get his mom fucked by some random Cavalier...but the choking did not help, I'm sure.

so how much do looks matter to you?

As far as non-romantically, not too much...the content of somebody's character trumps the design of their meat suit. However, as far as dating goes, I'm not gonna lie...there's a lot to be said for character, but only one to be said for waking up next to somebody you can barely stand to look at: "ugh". I'm okay on that...7's and up (with a 6 being tolerable with exceptional personality traits), please and thanks...

NEW ORLEANS!!!!!!
haha hey what's up man? Haven't seen you around for a while...

I know you have a gracious fitted collection but wat you feel about snapbacks?

Oh, I do, I do...just added to it today in fact. I like fitted hats (which explains the site title, in case anybody hasn't put that together yet). Whenever I think about snapbacks, I think of those free team caps they give away at sporting events with some bank logo or something on the side...there's just something authentic about a fitted...oh wait, it's because they're authentic lol...ever seen a baseball player with an adjustable hat?

Wat is your dream car?
Aston Martin DB9 convertible, navy blue...what, you looking for a Christmas present? ;)

Name a book I should read, besides the bible.
Wouldn't have suggested it anyway, the message is there, but there are several continuity errors/plot holes and the writing as a whole leaves a lot to be desired. Try "The Art of War", there are some real-life lessons in there.

Can a slutty girl recover?
haha "recover"...hopefully not, we do need them in the world...it's like a banned episode of "Dirty Jobs", might not be something you want to do or something you'd want anybody you're involved with to do, but a certain amount of people have to do it...not that there's anything wrong with that.

FUCK MY EX!!! and her new man!
That's not a question lol...but since they're likely fucking each other anyway, it does almost qualify as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Seriously, don't even waste time thinking about the bitch...move on, you'll eventually forget you ever cared, trust me.

Dude, you're still sending naked pics? Didn't you learn your lesson from your heart-tip debacle?
I do not know what you are talking a bout...and even if I did, it would be less a debacle than poorly targeted but positive advertisement :p

Who is your fav artist at the moment?

At the moment? By and large, popular music sucks these days...but right this second, Green Day's on, so let's go with them.

Do you see Jerseys coming back in style?

Nope, and honestly I hope they never do. They're to display support for a team, not accessorize with...and that's why I proudly still wear mine (go Cowboys!)

Do you believe in FATE or free will?
Do you even really have to ask? I'm a huge believer in free will....otherwise why do anything but sit back and wait for destiny or...whatever...to magically improve your life? I do believe in luck (as a perception of random chance) but mostly I believe people will go as far as they can take themselves (or have someone give them a ride to).

Did you get high the first time you smoked? Cause I didn't -_-, I just acted like I did.
hahah...actually, I got very high...the first time I remember smoking, I thought the ground outside my dorm was slanted, spent 20 bucks in snacks from the gas station across the street and once I got back to my room I couldn't figure out how to get my track jacket off for a good 15 minutes...good times :)

Oh, and shame on you for acting. Just had to mention that.

why didnt you get the HTC Sensation?
Because it wasn't out when I was getting a new phone 2 weeks ago lol...surprisingly, I'm not one of those guys who needs the newest thing out all the time, I just need something I won't have to worry about for a while...like my G1 (for the first 2.5 years). It's all good, I'm pretty used to this Galaxy now and it's all customized and AJfied so I officially ain't getting a new one until this one dies...or a better one with actual keys comes out (ain't holding my breath).

will your son go to pub or private school?
Won't matter...he'll have me as a parent, which means he won't be as vulnerable to a lot of the bullshit both kinds of schools present as many other kids. He'll know he won't need to remember a lot of what they teach him, that his grades and his intelligence don't necessarily have a damn thing to do with each other, that the mainstream way ain't the only way, and that he can't be "bullied" non-physically without his own consent. Those are things a lot of adults don't know...he'll be fine either way.

That was great, y'all! Thanks for all your curiousity this week haha...never thought I'd discuss my dick, our school system, weed, cell phones, existentialism and LeBron James in the same post...just one of the perks of running a site with the greatest fuckin' readers on earth (and I dare anybody else to say different...I WILL fight you). Aight, that's it for this week, it's all we have time for...but if you wanna get one in for next time, find the blue question box >over yonder> or if that's a bit too challeging for ya, just click this link:

any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...

Lies they Tell the Chirrens- Looks don't matter!

2011-06-14T13:50:00.001-04:00

Before I type word one of this post, I know how important it is to encourage the development of positive, non-physical attributes...in fact, I dedicated an entire post to the widely known correlation between attractiveness and a lack of any other real abilities or strengths. However, the fact that such hot-but-useless people are not only able to survive, but thrive, proves my upcoming point that much more. I could elaborate into a grand, 3 paragraph introduction on the subject, but I think I can sum it up pretty quickly: "Fuck what your mommy told you, looks damn sure do matter". The only people who actually think they don't are either attractive and have been that way for so long they don't know any different or...yeah, you probably guessed that next joke.

We can debate whether that's right or not all day, but it's a lifelong fact. It's common knowledge that a sexy ass woman gets away with a lot more nonsense than an asthetically challenged one. Does it matter that she's dumber than a box of rocks, a omega-level superbitch or that the last time she tried to prepare food, 8 people died? Nope! She's a perfectly suitable partner...she's hot! We all know attractive teenagers are the only kind allowed to appear on television under penalty of law. Hell, whether you realize it or not, even cute kids get more attention than those who...ain't cute yet. (It's the difference between "Aww, she's adorable! Give her here!" and "Oh...she's so...small...look at that...uh...little hat she's wearing...okay, you can put her back where she was now".)

Don't believe you're the same? Okay, lets try 2 scenarios on for size. In the first one, the most attractive person you can think of (I'm not going to sit here and come up with examples for both sexes...women I can do fine, but...yeah, I'm all heterozealous and shit...it's not happening) walks up to you in the street, fully physiqued and sharply dressed, and kindly asks for the time. What do you do? Well, you likely gave them the time right after you reclaimed your jaw from the sidewalk...maybe you even came up with some stupid little small talk to get them to remain in your presence longer. It's just common courtesy...for pretty folk.

Now, let's try the second. Here, a far less atrractive, unkempt, overweight, dingy looking but generally harmless person walks up to you and asks you for the time in the same way. I can believe that many of you would give them what they asked for...but no more. You would just give them the info in a cold, robotic manner like that time hotline. (In fact, I'm betting the response to this from some people was somewhere between "ignore them" and "reach for my mace".) It's just common practice...for nonpretty folk.

Point is, even in the best case scenario, you would give them the hour on your watch, but not the time of day. Why? Is the attractive person any better or worse a person than the unattractive one based on the information you have? For all you know, the hot one is the new American Psycho and the not one is one of those Jesus-in-disguise kind of deals ("When I was naked, you did not clothe me. When I was hungry, you did not feed me. When I was fugly, you would not talk to me."). Will this stop you from making an unconscious judgement about this person based on the way they look? I'm not seeing it.

It doesn't even have to deal with a situation like that...people make entire careers out of the way they look. I'm not just talking about models, smartass...I'm talking normal, everyday shit. High-end retail stores? You usually won't find a duck in there. Restaurants? Ever notice that the server tends to be more attractive (and female) than the busboy? Ever seen the tip cup of a cute young female bartender who can barely make a screwdriver vs the 30 year vet who knows, and makes well, every drink recognized by the International Bartenders Association? Yeah. Hell, it doesn't even have to be a public relations kind of thing...if 2 people with the exact same qualifications, backgrounds, and applicable experience apply for the same job of any kind, you can bet that the prettier one wins just about every time...and to even attempt to delude our children into thinking that anything else is the case is 3 clicks under neglectful parenting.

We just love to tell younglings that the way they look shouldn't make a difference and that "you can't judge a book by its cover". While those things may be true in theory, in basically every kind of practice we have on this planet, it does make a difference. A big one. (Plus, the second one is also invalid because nobody reads books any more...the more contemporary phrase would be "judging a DVD by it's cover"...and since I have Netflix and do it all the time, I know for a fact that's bullshit.) The fact that we even feed our children this full rack of baby back bullshit just never ceases to amaze me...of course looks matter, otherwise we'd be blind! Sure, the fact that the way you look can be a distinct advantage or disadvantage isn't quite fair...but neither is pretending that isn't the truth, and that's why this is yet another lie they tell the chirrens.

(undermyfitted...)

(things went way) Left in Twentyleven

Job Appreciation

How to Save a Life

Hip Hop is Dead

Captain Plan-It

Video Formsprung Wk7

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Drive Me Crazy (in a Lexus)

PSA: f.u.c.k. (selling books!)

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When Worlds Collide (or the Re-Introduction)

So, you wanna be a drug dealer?

Penn Statement

My New Job

Romostasis: A Sit-Down with Tony Romo

Video Formsprung-Wk5

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Video Formsprung-Wk3

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umf live! (10/7) Occupy *wherever* Movement, sports fanhood and health, Westboro back on that bullshit, "F.U.C.K. for Your Life" update, more...

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Formsprung- Season 2

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Checkin' In: A letter to umf'ers (yeah, you!)

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Formsprung- Season 2

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Drunk with the Clicker: In The Flow

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Surviving Philly- A Field Guide

PSA: Overexposure

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Life: Unwrap, Use, Discard

My Ambitions as a Writer

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Famous Last Words

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Training Day

Farewell, welfare!

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Staycation: All I ever wanted...

Back to School- The End (or the High School Reunion Song)

Prima Facebook: a guide to what your profile picture may say about you

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Is 10 the new 20?

Words with Fiends: a letter to some sad, sad people

Back to School Part III- The Interview

"Search Me..." VII

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Back to School- The Injustice

What's on your mind? (...no, seriously, what the fuck could have been on your mind?!)

Formsprung- Season 2

Lies they Tell the Chirrens- Looks don't matter!

umf live! (10/7) Occupy wherever Movement, sports fanhood and health, Westboro back on that bullshit, "F.U.C.K. for Your Life" update, more...